


ode to you

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, High School AU, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self Harm, Sexual Assault, fake bad boy josh dun, good christian boy tyler joseph
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 18:05:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 83,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6818563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes some punk drummer and a few weeks of tutoring to get Tyler Joseph to open up about his problems to anyone, including himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. everybody thinks i'm just so free

Tyler had a knack for climbing things instead of facing his problems.

He'd always been a bit of a monkey that way. He started climbing on furniture when he was a few months old and couldn't quite walk, but even when his little legs started moving, he kept climbing. He nearly made it on top of the fridge one day, and would have made it if his mother hadn’t plucked him from the counter in loud terror.

He didn't understand it then, and he didn't now.

It became more of an escape to climb things as he got older. Most nights, Tyler would shove his bedroom window open and climb out onto the roof, just to watch the stars and jot his thoughts into his journal- late night thoughts always made great poems. It was half a way to jolt his brain and half a way to escape his brother and the rest of his family without running away from home or something drastic.

So when Tyler elected to climb up the wall- yes, the _wall_ \- surrounding Triad High School and hop the fence rather than face his father’s stern glances after a less than productive basketball practice, it shouldn't have been much of a surprise to anyone.

That was, until he started to fall.

There was a long stretch of grass just outside the high school wall, a fair field of green beyond the prison gates of Triad, so he knew it wouldn't hurt very much when he fell, but all the same his limbs flailed and fingers clawed for purchase against the rough bricks, until he did, in fact, fall. But not entirely into the grass.

“Jesus, kid, are you _insane_?”

Technically, his legs had landed in the grass and broken his fall- albeit painfully, but unfamiliar arms had snuck their way under Tyler’s arms and hoisted him onto his feet. With wide, frankly terrified eyes, Tyler looked up to thank his savior.

“I, um, was just…”

The savior in question was achingly familiar to him, but he couldn't put a name to the face. His hair and eyes were a warm brown, and there was a little silver ring looped onto the side of his nose. Past the look of disdain he seemed friendly, so Tyler continued.

“Was just, uh… I didn’t think the ledge would be that… small.”

The boy just shook his head, and his arms dropped to his sides. Tyler forced himself to look embarrassedly at the wall, cheeks burning, rather than at the boy. He knew he was shy, but this level of horror was beyond the norm even for him.

“What are you hopping fences for anyway?” the boy asked. “School’s out already. There's, you know, a gate.”

Tyler’s cheeks burned even hotter, something he wasn't sure was even possible. “I'm avoiding someone,” he answered cryptically, internally cursing himself for acting so damn mysterious.

“Oh?” the boy teased. Tyler just rolled his eyes and started walking the other direction. Apparently the boy had nothing better to do, and he simply followed. “You running from a girl? What'd you do?” A pause. “What'd _she_ do?”

Tyler let out a huff. “Not a girl, I don't want to talk to my dad,” he corrected. “He's the basketball coach, and today's practice was awful.”

The boy was quiet for a moment. “Wait, so you're Tyler Joseph, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn't know the teacher's kid liked climbing things. You rebel.”

Tyler whipped his head around to shoot the boy a glare, but it faded as he tried to fight a laugh. “You don't know me, punk.”

“Okay, having a nose ring _doesn't_ make me a punk.”

"What's _your_ name?"

"Josh," the boy answered slowly. "Josh Dun."

 _Ding ding ding._ “You're a punk.”

“Whatever, dude.”

Tyler couldn't help but laugh. By now they’d reached the sidewalk, just across the street was Tyler’s neighborhood, and he'd have to deal with his dad's quiet fury no matter what. “Better get going,” he sighed, with one last glance Josh’s way.

His heart may have fluttered a little bit when Josh looked the slightest bit disappointed at his words, but he shoved that right down. He didn't have the time.

“Yeah,” Josh agreed. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back onto his heels for a moment, lips pursed and eyes narrowing in thought. “You live a block away from me, I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” The pause afterward was palpable, and Tyler could feel the beads of sweat trickling down the back of his neck, but whether it was from the hot summer-not-quite-fall-yet sun or sheer nerves, he couldn't tell. “We should hang out or something. You seem cool, monkey boy.”

Tyler rolled his eyes and glanced both ways down the road. As he made his way across, jogging a bit to make it to the other side, he called back, “my parents don't like punks, you know.”

Josh just smiled, a wide, toothy grin, and Tyler felt his heart skip several beats. “Yeah? My parents don't like jocks.”

Tyler thought about his smile the entire walk home.

~

The waning moon that hung in the sky just above Tyler quickly became his object of focus as he struggled to find words to scribble down into his journal. He'd immediately clambered out his bedroom window after dinner and left it mostly shut behind him, and the rush of air that finally entered his lungs from the separation was a welcome relief.

That night, his parents required a good fifty hoops more than usual of him before he came in for dinner, and he could guess why.

The basketball team was shrinking, fewer kids had tried out this year than ever before, and with championships looming in the relatively near future, a lack of players was a definite setback. Championships were _the_ event in the Joseph household. Ever since his dad had become the basketball coach at Triad, on top of the really cool history teacher, their family had been to every game, and now that Tyler and his brother was on the team it was even more important that they succeeded at every single one, especially the championships. His family was so passionate about the sport, and he couldn't bear to let them down.

With a sigh, Tyler set his journal and pen aside, then reclined onto the bumpy tiles of the roof and stared straight up into the sky. Faint traces of starlight twinkled like a little distant dance around the shrinking image of the moon, a sight that would usually spark words in his head that he could pour out onto the page, but not tonight. His head was cloudy tonight, murky gray and a little bit of warm brown, too.

He couldn't think about that. He had too much on his plate as it was, with being the best basketball player he could be to make up for the lack of kids on the team, with keeping his grades up, with being at church practically every other day of the week, with being someone his parents would be proud of. All his life he'd felt the weight of the labels and names he was expected to live up to like a tangible force pushing on his back, driving him to do things he wasn't crazy about. Like basketball, honestly.

A glance at the empty page beside him.

He would bet good money Josh Dun didn't worry about these things. He had a nose ring and everything.

Punks weren't afraid of anything, were they?

With shaking hands, Tyler picked up his journal and clicked the pen, writing down a single phrase that echoed in his mind relentlessly as the image of a bold, smirking punk filled his vision.

" _Can I understand you_?"

From there, the words poured out. Half of them didn't make the slightest amount of sense, nothing but the thoughts whirring around his skull too fast for him to take a meaningful note of. But the ones that did make sense were etched frantically onto the page, underlined, meant to be remembered.

He dropped the journal again, this time staring at the scribbles that covered half the page and trying to make sense of them.

One thing had really struck him about the world as soon as he entered high school. Most of the kids his parents approved of, the ones he was allowed to hang out with and befriend, had it easy. Sickeningly easy. They were the kids who didn’t start trouble, the kids that had good grades and went to church every Sunday for worship and Wednesday for youth group, the kids who were seen but never heard. And it was all well and good until he looked a little deeper.

They were also the kids who let other kids get bullied. They were kids who never offered a hand or a listening ear, just a simple and easy, “I’ll pray for you.” They were the passive kids, the no harm, no foul kids, the kids who followed the status quo to a T and didn’t consider reaching out to anyone who wasn’t just like them.

He didn’t want to be like those kids. He didn’t want to stand by and do nothing. 

As the sky grew darker and the crescent moon grew brighter, eerily akin to a sinister smile hanging limply in the black, Tyler realized that they’d do it to him, too. They'd let him suffer. They'd sit back and watch as he fell apart, whether at the hand of a bully, or his circumstance- and as the night grew darker still, and the voices in his head grew louder, his own mind was added to the list of predators.

_There's no way Josh Dun lives like this. He's got it so easy._


	2. so much pent up inside of me, i wanna be stronger

Tyler would never understand how the leaves could be drifting to the ground already, and the days growing shorter, but the sun still managed to beat down intensely during the day, making him wish he had a job and a car already- he wouldn't have to walk in this heat every day. But there he was, side by side with his brother, kicking rocks and leaves out of the way as they meandered down the sidewalk. Triad High School loomed in front of them, a tall red brick building surrounded on the sides by cement walls and connected to the sides with mismatching green gates. It looked more like a prison than a public school, but it would continue to be his home away from home for the next three years or so. He wasn’t very thrilled.

“Who was that guy you were talking to yesterday?” Zack asked him.

Tyler hesitated. “Some punk,” he answered with a laugh. “Didn’t catch his name, but he had a nose ring and kept smirking.”

“Maybe he’s gay.” Tyler gripped his backpack a little tighter and barked out a laugh. “He looked kinda familiar. Why didn’t you just come home with us?”

At that, Tyler made a face. “Dad was pissed about the team,” he grumbled. “Didn’t want to face his wrath prematurely.”

“Yeah, but then you got extra hoops.”

“So?”

“So, maybe instead of climbing shit-”

“ _ Zack _ !”

“- You could just ride with us next time.”

Tyler rolled his eyes. In the fine-tuned world they lived in, it was hard to remember what a loose cannon his brother could be at times. “I wasn’t… climbing shit.”

Zack raised both eyebrows. “You hopped the fence.”

“... That’s hopping the fence, not climbing.” A disdainful sigh sounded from Zack, and Tyler couldn’t help but laugh. “Come on, you’re gonna be late.”

“So are you.”

“Nah, Bentley’s always late, I’ve got time to kill.”

“Don’t climb more shit.”

Tyler shoved his brother lightly. They passed through the open green gates side by side, but as they entered the courtyard in the center of the three buildings, Zack hooked a left and Tyler kept walking down. He passed the arts building on his way; he had first-hour geometry but Mr. Bentley was always a good ten minutes late, so he spared a glance down the hall. 

A boy with warm brown hair and wide eyes and an assumed nose ring met his glance, and smiled. 

Tyler walked a little faster. 

He started to think about it, though for what he wasn't sure. He’d never seen Josh at any church related stuff, though there were several in the area his family could've attended. Tyler could lie if his parents caught him talking to the guy, if that even ended up happening again. But the nose ring.

His parents wouldn’t like Josh, it was a fact of life. And he couldn’t hang out with people his parents didn’t like. He wasn't even sure why he wanted to, what it was about this punk that caught his undivided attention and held it captive. It was enough terrifying incentive to maybe stop, as his brother had so eloquently put it, climbing shit. 

Josh didn’t seem to have such a problem.

“Hey, monkey boy,” his familiar voice sounded from behind. Tyler turned his head a little just to show Josh as he rolled his eyes. “Break any bones today?”

“Nope, and I won’t.”

Instead of waiting around to see what Josh would have to say after he barked out a laugh- a happy sound that made his heart twist in his chest with the urge to turn right around and go talk to him before he really had to get to class- he kept walking. He stared at the pavement below his feet, willing the guy to go about his day without him.

Josh didn’t call out to him again, and it bothered him a lot more than it should’ve. 

~

It went from bothering him to plaguing his thoughts once biology class rolled around.

The letters on the page were all culminating to form the same four letter word over and over in Tyler's head no matter how hard he tried. And he did try, stared long and hard at the names of plants in the frustrating attempt to memorize them before the end of class, but that four letter name wouldn't leave him alone.

A part of him felt guilty for brushing him off like that earlier, but the rest of him was so convinced that he meant nothing to the cute punk boy with the nose ring-

_Cute_?

He focused a little harder.

By the time he had quieted down his tumultuous thoughts to a dull roar, the bell had rung, and he was finally free to scramble out of the room and out into the open air. The moment his feet hit the grassy courtyard he sucked in a deep breath, then sighed it out. His head slowly but surely started to clear, oxygen breaking up the murky clouds in his mind.

To his dismay, there across the courtyard heading for the ramada under which most upperclassmen ate lunch, was Josh Dun.

Of course.

The boy with the warm brown hair and nose ring and cute wide eyes that he couldn't stop thinking about for two seconds, apparently. Brown eyes flickered his way, lips curled upward into a Cheshire Cat-like smile, and Tyler tore his eyes away, frantically looking around for a distraction. 

"Ty?" With a sigh of relief a little too loud, he focused his attention on his brother approaching with a confused look. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he assured Zack. "Not feeling too good, probably gonna spend lunch in the gym."

Zack nodded understandingly, then looked curiously to the side. "Wait, isn't that the guy you were talking to yesterday?"

With a pang of dread spreading through his stomach, Tyler followed Zack's gaze briefly. Sure enough, there was Josh, slowly breaking away from his friends, occasionally glancing his direction.  _ Shit _ .

"Yeah," Tyler confessed. "Why?"

Zack whistled lowly. "That's Josh Dun," he whispered. Tyler frowned, failing to catch the deadly connotation attached to the name. "The girls love him. He's the resident baddie- mom and dad think he's trash." 

"Oh." His heart sank a little, and he cursed himself for it.

"I've gotta go to math," Zack rushed to say. With another quick glance to his side, he saw Josh making his way across the courtyard. "I'd tell him to screw off, if I were you."

" Why? "

His brother made a break for it. “Apparently he likes guys!”

_ Oh _ .

Tyler turned to face the door as it swung shut behind his brother, sheer panic filling his chest. Was that why he was so afraid of Josh? It could easily explain why he couldn't stop thinking about him. What if Josh  _ liked _ him?

"Hey, Joseph."

The closeness of the voice startled him, and he jumped a little as he spun around on his heel. There was Josh, less than a foot away from him, a dumb grin on his dumb face.

"Uh, hey."

Josh's grin morphed into a little smirk, and Tyler could physically feel his head reeling. "Don't worry, kid, I won't bite." His smirk widened, reaching his eyes. "Unless you're into that."

"Shut up," Tyler muttered and ducked his head with a choked laugh. "Hate to break it to you, but I like girls."

"Me too."

He raised his brow. "Only girls."

Josh hissed and shrugged. "Your loss," he mumbled. "But I didn't come over here to flirt."

"Why don't I believe that?"

He let out a loud chuckle at that, and if Tyler's heart hadn't been racing before, it sure was now. "You look lonely, monkey boy. You could come sit with me and my friends for lunch if you want."

_ Holy shit. _

Josh Dun, the baddest boy at Triad, wanted him... to sit with him at lunch.

"S-sorry," Tyler choked out. His feet started stumbling backward across the courtyard of their own accord, but all the better. "Gotta, um..." His heart was pounding. Josh was looking at him intensely, too intensely, like a predator stalking its prey, waiting for the perfect moment to- "Gotta practice. I gotta go."

"Whatever you say."

Tyler paused his frantic retreat a moment, cocking his head to the side with a frown. "What do you mean?"

For a moment, Josh didn't respond, and he wondered if he knew Tyler was avoiding him and was pissed. Not his best acting work. But then Josh took a few steps closer, and his thoughts evaporated into thin air, the only sound in his ears his heart's panicked thrumming and Josh's voice dropped suddenly low.

"When you're done worrying what everyone else thinks," he muttered, eyes wandering over Tyler as he spoke- it made him squirm and shrink himself uncomfortably, but he didn't mind it,  _ why don't I mind it _ \- "you know where to find me."

Tyler ran.


	3. you just seem oh so far

One of the requirements of being in the National Honors Society was community service, and for Tyler, that took form in two hours of tutoring every Saturday morning. He'd come to the library with a group of other honors kids and walk struggling students through their homework- or more often than not, struggled himself to get kids who just didn't care to cooperate. He did this every week, knew the familiar faces of kids who wanted to learn and idiots who wanted to get out, and figured that week wouldn't be any different.

Until, of course, he saw the bright grin that reached warm brown eyes and the speck of silver hooked around the nose of Josh Dun, sitting at the library table where he spent his Saturday mornings.

For a moment, Tyler just stared. He briefly considered turning right around, calling Mr. Middleton and faking sick, escaping the far too captivating boy just a few feet away from him. But he really needed the service hours, so, in the end, he simply groaned internally and trudged over to the table, throwing his backpack into one chair and sitting down in the other across from Josh.

"You've got to be kidding me."

Josh chuckled, folding his hands behind his head and slumping back into the chair. "Nope," he teased, popping the 'p.' "I failed my last Algebra test. You gotta help me do corrections."

Tyler rolled his eyes, and instinctively reached for the paper sitting in front of Josh. A fat, disappointing "20%" was scribbled in bright red ink on the front of the test, and he sighed. "What is this, matrices? How did you fail _matrices_?"

"Because, wise guy," Josh mumbled, snatching the paper back- Tyler couldn't help but snicker at the action, and Josh shot him a heatless glare for it- "I couldn't figure out matrices."

"Do you have a calculator?"

"No, left it at home."

Tyler could have screamed. He wanted to rip the goddamn test in half and just walk right out of the library. Of course Josh Dun was one of the kids who just didn't _care_ , of course he was really cute and kind of intimidating but not in the worst way possible, and of course he wasn't as mad as he should've been that Josh decied to show up at tutoring, and he turned out to be one of _those_ people. 

"Fine," he grumbled, and turned to fish his calculator out of his backpack. "We'll use mine."

A hand suddenly grasped Tyler's arm, and he jumped, immediately whipping his head back around to meet Josh's gaze. His eyes were bright with mischief, and he wanted to run. "Or," he whispered coyly, "we could skip this place and have fun not doing math."

"You came to tutoring, not me."

"A little birdie told me you'd be here."

Tyler frowned, glancing down at Josh's hand on his arm, and the boy let go of him. He was almost a little sad at the loss of contact. Almost. "Why are you so desperate to hang out with me?"

Josh shrugged, leaning back into his chair with a smirk. "Cause I feel bad for you, maybe."

"Why do you feel bad for me"

"You have no fun!" Josh exclaimed quietly as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Tyler just stared. "Are you kidding? You're so... cautious. You gotta do everything right."

"Yeah," Tyler tried slowly. "Cause I worry about my future, college, you know."

"College isn't the future," Josh dismissed with a wave of his hand. "College is just more school, only you have to pay for it. The future starts once you're done with school, and no grades or sports scholarships or GPA's are gonna help you out there."

Tyler raised both eyebrows at him. "A degree could help."

"... Okay, but besides that. And it depends on what you get a degree for."

Tyler rolled his eyes, and simply snatched up the test again, much to Josh's apparent dismay. "Do you want to do test corrections or not?"

"I'd really rather not." Tyler made a face. "Okay, fine. Teach me how to do matrices, oh wise grasshopper."

~

For the better half of an hour, Tyler tried his best to explain matrices to Josh, a method that had probably taken him one class period to learn himself. But as was usual with kids like the punk across from him, you could only explain so much to someone who didn't care enough to listen.

"Are you even trying?" Tyler suddenly asked. Josh's gaze snapped up, and he frowned. "Cause you haven't redone a single problem yet."

"Sorry," Josh mumbled, and it startled Tyler. An apology from the assured boy across the table from him? He ought to have documented the occasion. "Distracted." A pause. Suddenly, Josh grinned. "I need coffee."

"... Okay?"

"So, let's go get coffee."

Tyler sighed despondently. "Of course you wanna drag me along."

"I'm _amazing_  company, thank you very much."

The only response Tyler had was a roll of his eyes. Scenarios started to swarm in his head, and he tried to grasp them all as he mulled the thought over. Coffee with Josh. It sounded like a date, and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. If Josh did like him, he didn't want to lead him on or anything. Tyler was straight, he was certain. But one little coffee, just to appease him, couldn't hurt... right?

Josh was smiling at him, and it did funny things to Tyler's stomach.

"Fine," Tyler relented. He watched as Josh pumped his fist into the air in triumph. "I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?"

"Nah," Josh assured him. It wasn't very reassuring.

Tyler glanced around the room. Most of the honors kids were hard at work with other students, others were reading books or on their phones. Mr. Middleton was nowhere in sight, and they'd already taken roll... 

"Come on," Josh whispered, grasping Tyler's wrist loosely and tugging. He wasn't sure how he felt about Josh's hand being so close to his, but he pushed the worry down. He leaped from his seat instead, grabbing his backpack along the way, and with another mischievous grin from Josh, they were off. 

"I'm parked over here," Josh told him once they'd rocketed out of the library, and pointed over to a tall gray truck at the front of the lot just past the barely open and incredibly ominous green gates. His grip on Tyler's wrist finally relented, and Tyler recoiled quickly, earning an amused chuckle from Josh. “Coffee Rush isn’t too far from here.”

“Coffee what?”

Josh stopped in his tracks long enough to give Tyler an incredulous look. “You’ve never been to Coffee Rush? Oh, you poor, innocent youth.”

Tyler gave him a weak glare. 

“I can’t wait to taint the fuck out of you,” Josh mumbled. Tyler let out an indignant squeak as Josh grasped his _hand_ this time, gently yanking him along as he started walking again. “Okay, monkey boy, we’re off.”


	4. i don't understand why you would care

Tyler wished that Josh's presence at Saturday tutoring was nothing but a one time occurrence, and the punk boy lost interest in him and proceeded to go about his life elsewhere. Of course, he had no such luck in the wild realm that was Josh Dun's sudden appearance in his life, and the excuses for tutoring simply poured in. 

It even came to the point that the topic of Josh Dun, the untamed and unrelenting punk, was brought up at the Joseph family dinner table.

"Was that Josh at tutoring again?" Zack whispered to him, and with a frown, Tyler nodded. "You have the worst luck ever."

"Was who at tutoring?"

Tyler sighed. "Some kid named Josh Dun," he muttered. "He's annoying, but I can handle it."

At the mention of his name, his mother's lips thinned into a tight, disapproving line. "Oh, I know who that is," she spoke disdainfully. "You be careful around him, Tyler, okay? I've heard Deborah's mom speak about him before, and from what I heard, he's a very… a very bad influence, that boy."

Deborah- well, Debby- had dated a bad boy the year before and took a drastic turn from the good girl life she'd been stuck into since then. Had she dated Josh? 

"Yeah, kind of got that vibe from him."

But as Tyler wandered through the courtyard the next morning, a little too early- he'd grown sick of Zack's warnings about "going punk" on the way to and from school, and had bailed on him finally- he couldn't bring himself to walk away when Josh waved and maneuvered around the sparse groups of students to get to him.

"Hey," Josh greeted, a little breathlessly, then took a long sip out of a portable cup of coffee. 

Tyler kicked his foot into the grass, his grip on the straps of his backpack tightening instinctively. "Um, hey." 

"I was wondering-"

"Aren't you ever gonna get sick of me?" Tyler blurted out. 

He watched as Josh's brows furrowed together, then as he took another long sip of coffee. He hadn't meant to explode on him, but it was early, and Tyler wasn't in the mood to be used. "Probably not. You're fun to mess with."

Tyler glared. "Seriously?" His eyes immediately averted just past Josh and he started walking right past him, laser focused on the math building he'd need to be getting to in a little while anyway. 

"Hey, wait, I didn't mean it like that."

Tyler didn't answer, simply kept walking. Emptiness filled his chest as he went, but he should've known it was a game to Josh. He didn't care about anything, he bet. 

"Tyler."

He froze in his tracks. It was probably the first time he'd ever heard Josh use his first name. He was monkey boy, Joseph, but Tyler?

With a weary sigh, he turned around.

Josh was frowning, shuffling his feet a little as he looked around. "I'm sorry it bothers you so much," he mumbled. "I only ever tease you, you know. But I get it, you don't really know me, and maybe... I don't know, if you took it personal, I'm sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to mess with you that bad."

At first, Tyler wasn't quite sure what to think. He could've sworn Josh was apologizing to him, Until then he’d been convinced that Josh would never care  enough to mind his feelings, and suspicion began to swim in his head. But then warm brown eyes locked gazes with him, and the suspicion started to dissipate, replaced with relief. He looked so  _ worried _ .

"I forgive you," Tyler relented finally. A smile crept up onto Josh's lips. It made Tyler’s heart skip a beat. He ignored it.

"I, uh... was gonna ask you if you could help me with algebra homework," Josh continued, and again his gaze dropped to the ground. "I mean, if you want to."

Before Tyler could respond, Josh's eyes lifted sheepishly, and his heart stuttered again. 

"Sure," he choked out slowly. "I'm free at lunch, or... or Saturday, we could..."

Josh shook his head. "Busy at lunch," he said. "What about after school?"

Tyler paused, considering. He didn't have practice on Mondays... "Alright," he agreed. "Meet you outside the library?"

"Cool," Josh confirmed with a nod. The two hovered there for a moment, drawing out the interaction a little longer than necessary. Tyler didn't want to walk away just yet, though he wasn't sure why, and it didn't look like Josh wanted to either. 

But then the bell rang, a shrill, high sound, and Tyler had never been more grateful to be on his way to math class.

"Uh, see you," he mumbled softly, then immediately turned on his heel and sped across the lawn. He could've sworn he heard Josh laugh, the jerk.

~

The afternoon sun that reflected off the hot pavement and was intensified by the metal roofs of the building made for perfectly  _ way _ too hot outdoors that day, but Tyler stood outside regardless, leaning his back on the wall right next to the library doors, phone in hand.

tyler: tell mom i'm staying after to tutor extra hrs

zack: k. who u tutoring

tyler: some dumb punk

zack: ur kidding me

tyler: wouldnt kid u kid

He heard a "hey" across the courtyard at the same time a new message popped up- probably Zack indignantly claiming he wasn't a kid- but he locked his phone and threw it into his backpack, head snapping up to look in the direction of the voice.

"Hey," Tyler greeted as Josh made his way over. He shuffled over and made a move to open the library door, but Josh interrupted.

"We're not going to the library."

Tyler turned around, eyebrows raised in confusion. "What?"

Josh smirked, ambling backward down the pavement, in the direction of the student parking lot. "I left my math homework at home!" he explained. "We're taking a field trip."

"You're kidding."

"To my house."

Tyler sighed, rolling his eyes as he started to follow Josh, who was still walking backward and occasionally glancing over his shoulder to see where he was going. "You're an idiot."

"Oh, like you've never left your homework at home before."

"Yeah, but I've never asked for help on homework that I didn't have."

Josh wiggled his eyebrows, then spun around in a circle as he waltzed out the gate and into the lot. "Maybe I'm just luring you to my house for a satanic ritual."

Tyler made a face. "You sound like my mom."

"Your mom does satanic rituals?"

"No, but I bet she thinks you do."

At that, Josh barked out a laugh. "That's a good one. Oh, I'm writing that one down. Satanic rituals are too mainstream for me, though, sorry, Tyler's mom."

Tyler couldn't help but snort at that. There off to his right was the familiar gray truck, at least one thing familiar about being on the way to Josh's house. 

"My parents are at work, though," Josh continued as he unlocked the truck and circled around to the driver's side, "so we could probably rig up a sick ritual while they're gone."

Tyler threw open the shotgun door, making a face at Josh as he clambered into the seat. "You're ridiculous."

"Yeah, but that's why you stick around."

He stuck his tongue out, and Josh bit at the air in his direction, making him laugh as he pulled the door shut. Soon enough they were rolling out of the parking lot, and onto the open road. "So wait, do you really like guys?"

Josh snickered, leaning back into his seat a little as he maneuvered the truck with one hand. "Asking the real questions," he teased. "And girls, yeah. I don't discriminate against hot people."

"That's definitely a way to put it."

"So you really just like girls?"

Tyler let out a hollow laugh, immediately glancing out the window and fixating his gaze on the trees that rolled by. "Yeah, why?"

"Cause you just got a little too defensive about it, and I really don't believe you."

Tyler nearly choked on thin air. “I’m not gay,” he insisted lightly, a short laugh passing through his lips, but the sound was devoid of humor. He was acutely aware of Josh right next to him, eyes on him as they slowed at a stop light, and of the sudden rush of heat to his face from the accusation alone. “Hate to break it to you.”

“Your loss.”

“More like yours,” Tyler teased back at him, sending Josh a look, and smirked as Josh erupted into laughter.

“You have no idea,” he distantly heard Josh mumble.

The response made Tyler fidget his hands in his lap and let out an uneasy chuckle. It was a bad idea, going to Josh's house, being alone with Josh, being around Josh at all. Zack was right. What if Josh liked him? What if he was just leading Josh on over and over and he was going to end up hurting the guy?

"I can hear you worrying from here," Josh teased, reaching over and placing his hand on Tyler's arm. His touch was feather light, barely there, but it sent shockwaves through Tyler's skin, and he would've jumped at the sensation of a feeling of warmth hadn't immediately followed. Not a hot, embarrassed warmth, but a soft, pleasant one. "I won't keep you long, okay?"

"... Okay."

Once they rolled into the driveway of Josh's house, panic started to creep in again, and Josh seemed to sense it, because his grip on Tyler's arm tightened slightly once he parked. "You alright, monkey boy?"

The familiar nickname made him sigh. "Yeah. I'm fine."

It wasn't a _complete_ lie. 


	5. i wonder what's inside your mind, and if there's anything to find

He wished he could say that tutoring Josh at his house had been a one-time occurrence, and from then on Josh made sure to bring his homework to school when he needed Tyler's help with it.

But he'd be lying.

He'd also be lying, as it turned out, if he said it really bothered him. But on days he didn't have basketball practice right after school, hanging out with Josh- of course, they didn't get much studying done, this was Josh Dun, of course- seeing his new found friend and spending time with him was what got him through the day.

It was strange, calling Josh his friend. It was also strange to not walk home with Zack on Mondays and Wednesdays anymore, but then again, he didn't really miss being disciplined about what a bad guy Josh was every waking moment. Because honestly, he wasn't a bad guy at all.

It confused him to no end how nice Josh was to him, if anything. Josh bought him coffee, called him his friend, waved at him across the campus, always looked so honest to god happy to see him, something completely unfamiliar to him. He'd never had a friend like Josh, none of the other boys on the basketball team had ever liked him this much. It was strange, but it made his days a little easier. He had something to look forward to now.

Even so, Tyler couldn’t help but protectively make sure Josh didn’t get too attached. Double the snark ensued, and their morning interactions became easily outlined.

"Monkey boy!"

"What do you want this time?"

"C'mon, you love me."

" _ Highly _ debatable."

"Listen, I have a chemistry test Friday and I was wondering..."

"You just keep me around to do your dirty work, don't you?"

"I'll buy you coffee!... Hey, wait, you know that's not true."

"Uh huh, that's why you're bribing me with coffee."

"... So you'll do it?"

"Josh!"

"Hey, I'm serious!"

"So am I."

"... You know that's not true, c'mon. I like you."

"Cause I do your homework for you."

"No, because you're a cool kid. You're funny and smart and you don't take my shit."

"You bet I don't."

"So... meet me outside the library?"

"... Yeah, sure."

"Cool. We'll get coffee on the way, you won't regret it, kid."

"I'm already regretting it."

While predictable, Tyler still looked forward to talking to Josh like nothing before. 

_ If climbing walls is gonna make me friends, I should do it more often. _

And hanging out with Josh, even when they weren't studying and Josh was being a cringe-worthy dork, wasn't so bad after all. Josh made him laugh, he had the craziest stories for Tyler to live his inner rebel life through vicariously and in the end... Josh was nice to him. He was a huge, stupid tease half the time, but never mean.

Over the course of a few weeks, Tyler had grown surprisingly well acquainted with Josh's truck, how to adjust the seats to recline and pretend to completely tune him out and take a nap, how to roll the windows down and stick his head out the window like a dog, which made Josh laugh. (He'd also grown to love Josh's laugh, something he'd never admit to in a _million_ years.) But on top of that, he'd become familiar with Josh's house, especially with his room- which was weird to think about, so he didn't really think about it when Josh led him upstairs that afternoon and into the now familiar space where Josh spent most of his time. It was a comforting room, pretty small and cramped but not suffocating. The walls were dusty blue and tinted warmly by the sunlight streaming in from the window, there was a little white desk- that probably hadn't gotten much use before they met- and his bed, soft and grey and perfect to crash on in frustration when Josh wouldn't stop goofing off.

But today, something was off. Today, in the corner of the room to the left of the wide window, was a massive black... thing. It looked a bit like a drum kit, but with little black circles attached to stands rather than actual drums.

"Sorry," Josh mumbled as he seated himself at the stool next to the mutant drums. "Forgot to put these away yesterday."

Tyler's head cocked to the side. "You play drums?"

A small smile spread Josh's lips wide. "Yeah," he answered. "Just a little on the side, cause my parents aren't crazy about me doing music. These live in the guest room when my parents are home, I only practice when they're out of the house."

"That's cool," was the only significant response Tyler could really think of. His eyes remained glued on the kit in pure fascination, and Josh chuckled at his focus.

"I could play a little for you, if you want."

Tyler blinked, his eyes averting to meet Josh's gaze, and he nodded. "Yeah. I mean, that'd be cool."

Josh smirked, then reached under the kit for a large pair of headphones and two long wooden sticks with one rounded off tip each. "Here," Josh said, handing him the headphones as he flipped a switch next to one of the drums. "It's an electric kit, so you can only hear it with the headphones on." He tapped one drum experimentally, shifted a few things, then beckoned Tyler over. Tyler, for one, was dead silent, lips pressed firmly together as he watched Josh do his thing. "Hold one up to your ear, I've got it turned up so I can hear it, too."

And then, he began to play. 

It was strange to hear, being nothing but a percussive beat with no other music along with it, but Tyler couldn't care less. He was enthralled with the way Josh moved about the kit, the control he had over his movements, the insane patterns he'd mastered somehow. Through the headphone held up to one ear he heard the drum sounds itself, but Josh played with such an intensity that he could distinctly hear the smack of the drum sticks on the padding with every hit. He was practically beating up the electric kit, and Tyler was enthralled.

He had no idea that Josh Dun held so much... _potential_.

By the time Josh had wrapped up drumming out a pattern for him, Tyler felt awful for thinking so little of him. "You're..." He swallowed hard, handing the headphones over with wide, amazed eyes, "... you're really, uh, good."

Josh grinned, flipping the switch to turn the drums off and setting the headphones and drumsticks on one of the drums. His eyes averted to the floor, and Tyler's heart fluttered in his chest. He ignored it, as he did most things his mind and body did in reaction to Josh things. "Thanks," Josh mumbled. "Taught myself everything I know."

"You... wait, what?"

He laughed, a bright, happy sound, and Tyler's heart stuttered again.  _ Why does it always  _ do _ that _ ? "Like I could get lessons anywhere. Can't afford it, barely afforded this thing. I mostly look up online lessons and try and replicate what I hear on the radio."

"That's..." Tyler shook his head, eyes dropping to the drums. "That's the coolest thing I've ever heard."

"Maybe I'll teach you a few things sometime," Josh snickered, shoving Tyler's arm gently. "C'mon, you're always getting mad at me for not getting to work. I have math shit to do."

"Fun," Tyler muttered dryly. "You do that, and don't ask me for help unless you really don't know what you're doing."

"Ugh, fine."

Tyler gave him a stern look. "I have homework, too, don't be lazy."

Josh tried to pout, but he ended up smiling as he waltzed over to his bed and flopped backwards onto it. "Can you grab... my backpack?"

"You have arms and legs."

"Yeah, but it's..." He made pitiful grabby hands, and Tyler scoffed. "So far away."

"It's on the floor next to you."

"Tyler."

"You're pathetic," Tyler mumbled, then grabbed the backpack and dropped it onto Josh's stomach. He grunted a little at the impact, but immediately laughed it off.

"You know, for an unassuming goody two shoes, you've got spunk."

"Or you're just really annoying."

Josh laughed, and his heart danced in his chest. His eyes always looked so bright, wide and happy, with those little crinkles around them, when he laughed. If more sassy comments would keep him laughing, he'd never shut up. "Touche, monkey boy," he relented finally, reaching into his backpack for a folder. "Touche."

As Tyler sat himself on the floor and started to fish through his own backpack, Josh made a small coughing sound. He looked up with furrowed brows.

"C'mere," Josh insisted, patting the space beside him.

Tyler froze. "Maybe I don't want to sit by you."

"Dude, you're my guest. Don't sit on the floor."

"You don't own me."

"I will literally pick you up and make you sit here if you don't."

"I will rip your head off if you pick me up, Joshua Dun."

Josh wiggled his eyebrows mischievously. “Challenge accepted.”

“No, don’t you  _ dare- _ ”

But it was too late. Before he knew it, Josh had leaped off the bed and crouched beside him on the floor, then scooped Tyler up into his arms before he could scramble away. 

“Put me down, I swear to _god_ -!”

“Calm down!” Josh laughed, pausing a moment to just stand there with Tyler in his arms, snickering at his plight. “Maybe I just won’t put you down, this is hilarious.”

Tyler frowned, punching at Josh’s chest weakly. He wanted to be mad, he wanted to want to actually rip Josh’s head off, he wanted to want to be put down. But with Josh looking at him with those bright, happy eyes, Josh looking so pleased to be holding Tyler, everything in his world began shifting. Or had it already been shifting?

“Put me down,” Tyler mumbled, hanging his head a little. It ended up resting on Josh’s shoulder, and he tensed. It felt nice. Too nice. It was Josh, his friend, holding him. Of _course_ it felt nice.

“You’re cute,” Josh muttered, then sat down on the bed and dumped Tyler into the space next to him. He fell into the pillows and glared, but there was no heat behind it.

“You suck.”

“You swallow.”

Tyler’s eyes flew wide open, and Josh erupted into laughter. Things were back to normal, he figured. Whatever normal meant in the context of Josh and Tyler.

He hoped to god it would stay that way.


	6. i start to close my eyes and sing a song

Thursday after school meant more basketball practice. It made him a little sad, because he'd been having so much fun hanging out with Josh, but reality was finally hitting him upside the head and reminding him of his place at Triad High School, and his responsibility as the son of Coach Joseph. He had to be the best basketball player possible. He had to make his family proud, he had to keep the status quo going.

And unfortunately, the status quo didn't mean jocks could befriend punks.

He rushed down the pavement in the direction of the gym, but the sound of a closing door to his left startled him, and he jumped. Some band kid was leaving the arts building, instrument case in hand, humming a tune Tyler didn't know. His eyes glued onto the door, looked past the small windows into the empty hallway, and he sighed.

Ever since he'd heard Josh play the drums for the first time, he'd felt a longing to make his own music. He thought maybe, just maybe, he could use his poetry and... but music wasn't attached to the Joseph family name. Sports were. Even if he had the freedom to walk into that hallway, find a piano, and figure out how to play, his family...

So he did just that. Walked into the hallway, found an empty practice room with a piano in it, and sat down to play.

It suddenly struck him that he had no idea how to play the piano.

Josh looked up drum tutorials online to learn. Were there piano tutorials?

So he looked it up. Chord charts. Chords? Musical chords. Music theory?

Music, it seemed, was a lot more complicated than he realized.

He started with chords. He placed his fingers on the keys in the order shown on piano diagrams, and plunked out chords. He ignored the pedals under his feet for the time being, just played chord after chord, scale after scale, note after note. His fingers stretched along the keys as he plunked out every sound. And the thing was... he loved it.

His heart soared straight into the ceiling as strange new sounds flowed from the piano at his fingertips, as he plunked out notes in different chords and scales and marveled at how they sounded together.

With shaking hands, Tyler ripped into his backpack and pulled out his journal. There, a few pages in, was one of his most recent poems. He set the journal on the stand and played a few chords. They sounded too happy. His words weren't that happy.

Major chords, he realized. He couldn't use major chords for this. So he looked up minor chords.

Better.

"I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark, and I," he spoke, unsure of where his words were going, how to line it up with the music, how rhythm even factored into it, but he didn't care. "Don't know where I should go when the tears and the fears begin to multiply."

He did the same thing over and over until a janitor knocked on the door and he realized that he was absolutely, positively _dead_ when he went home.

tyler: i think i might be grounded for eternity

punk loser: what did you DO

tyler: skipped practice

punk loser: o my god my rebellious child

tyler: shut up

punk loser: why'd you skip?

tyler: nunya beeswax mom

punk loser: cmon

tyler: ugh i was in one of the practice rooms playing the piano

punk loser: oh?

tyler: shutup

punk loser: i wanna hear

tyler: u can't i'm omw home to be grounded for eternity

punk loser: that's a shame

With that, Tyler packed his backpack and began the journey home. In the back of his mind, the text from Josh asking to hear him play replayed over and over.

He'd have to come back sometime, maybe during the day instead, to practice again. He knew he wasn't going to be going anywhere after school for a long time.

But surely... if he was tutoring Josh, they could still...

Tyler shook his head. That dumb punk was rubbing off on him, and for some reason, he didn't mind.

~

Being grounded didn't seem to change Tyler's schedule very much, aside from restricting him from staying after school unless there was basketball practice. That meant cancelling on his usual meetups with Josh on other days, but it didn't seem to phase him.

"'Grounded' is just a fancy term for 'extra obstacles,'" Josh explained, earning an indignant roll of the eyes from Tyler. 

"You're ridiculous."

"Oh, c'mon. You're gonna miss me."

"Miss your ugly mug? Never."

Josh smacked his arm lightly, and the second Tyler turned to walk toward the math building, started trailing after him like a lost puppy. "Come sit with me at lunch, then."

"You got homework?"

"Nah." Tyler turned his head a little to meet Josh's gaze. He looked a little sheepish as he moseyed alongside Tyler, hands shoved in his jacket pockets. The summer was slowly dying down into fall, sending chilly breezes through Triad, a thoroughly unwelcome reminder of the basketball championships right around the corner. 

"So what do you need me around for?"

Josh shrugged. "You're good company," he tried, lurching forward to grab the door and hold it open as kids brushed past. Tyler gave a wan thankful smile as he rushed into the building.

"What do you even have this hour?"

"English. Will you sit with me at lunch?"

Tyler sighed, ducking around the nearest corner and spinning around to face Josh. A few kids trickled in from the doors on the sides of the building, but the little offshoot hallways made of leftover room between classrooms were mostly clear, and gave Tyler the space to think through his words. "Look, I don't want your pity friendship."

"Pity friendship?"

"You always say I look lonely," Tyler muttered, leaning back against the wall, and he heard Josh sigh as his eyes dropped to the floor. "So I guess it's noble of you or whatever, but if you don't actually like me I'd rather just-"

"Stop right there," Josh interrupted. He felt a hand on his shoulder and his eyes snapped up, and suddenly Josh was very close to him, looking at him with an intensity he wasn't sure he could understand. "First of all, I don't pity you. Do I feel bad? Sure, but I don't pity you. I like you, you're funny and smart and all, you're fun to hang out with."

"We don't hang out, I help you do your homework."

Josh snickered, and it made Tyler frown. "No, we hang out. Trust me." Tyler just stared. "Wanna know a secret?"

"... Um, sure?"

Josh leaned a little closer. The minute bell rang, the halls were clearing as kids ran to class, but Josh was getting closer, until his mouth was inches from Tyler's ear. He could feel hot breath against his skin, and his eyes widened, his breathing hitching until he was trying to scramble backward- but all he met was more wall. 

"I have an A in math."

Tyler's head started reeling wildly. His voice was so low, low and quiet and close, just a whisper against the shell of his ear, and it sent a shiver down his spine. But then he processed the words, and all he felt was confusion. 

“But you… failed that test, and you…” Josh chuckled as he backed up, and a sudden rush of air went into Tyler’s lungs. “You… why’d you go to tutoring, then?”

“Like I said before,” Josh teased, spinning down the hall and to the door as the bell rang, shrill and loud and an unwelcome reminder that he had life to attend to, and there wasn’t nearly enough time in the day to figure out Josh Dun. “A little birdie told me you’d be there.”

Josh waltzed right out the door, and Tyler simply stared.


	7. make a wall, and make me fall, and break me down

That day, Tyler sat with Josh at lunch.

He couldn't tell you why.

In fact, as he walked across the courtyard to the empty green table Josh sat at under the ramada, backpack on the metal surface next to a paper tray of nachos, he couldn't find it in him to explain to _himself_ why he was about to sit with Josh. He spent his lunch hours in the locker room for a few minutes, then hit the gym and practiced. Every day. But apparently, that was part of the grand effect Josh had on his life. No practice this afternoon.

It wasn't quite relaxing or taking a break, not yet- he still couldn't place Josh's intentions and wasn't keen on letting down his guard just yet. But it was something else, something new, and Tyler couldn't quite bring himself to dislike it.

He liked Josh, and only hoped Josh wouldn't make him regret it somehow.

"Hey, Tyjo," Josh greeted with a grin. Tyler just rolled his eyes and slid into the seat opposite Josh. "Didn't think you'd make it. You looked like you were gonna pass out this morning."

Tyler narrowed his eyes, and the careless nose ring punk boy laughed. "Maybe you shouldn't act so freaky, then," he mumbled, then shyly swung his backpack into his lap and dug into the biggest pouch for his sandwich. "But I'm not here to hang out."

"Oh?" 

"I want answers." His eyes lifted to meet Josh's, but his eyes had averted suddenly, despite the smartass smirk still lingering on his lips. "You were being cryptic this morning."

Josh shrugged, and glanced over to meet Tyler's gaze briefly, then immediately dropped it. Instead he picked up a nacho chip and started swirling it around in the cheese. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did you fail your math test?"

He chuckled a little under his breath at the mention of it. "I told you, it was to get into tutoring so you'd have to help me."

"But why?"

Josh met his gaze again, and this time his eyes were glowing. "Why'd I wanna see you?"

Tyler swallowed harshly, but nodded.

The cocky smirk on Josh's lips morphed into a genuine smile, and under the table he felt a soft kick against his shin. "I think you know why."

"I really don't."

"I think you do," Josh continued, taking a bite out of the cheesy nacho chip. "I think you know why, but you just won't admit it to yourself."

Immediately Tyler's gaze dropped and glued itself to his sandwich resting in his hands. What was that supposed to mean? Did Josh have a crush on him, for real? Was he just messing with him?

"I really don't," he grumbled, tearing a piece of the bread off his sandwich. "I wouldn't be asking if I knew."

As he shoved the bread into his mouth, he glanced up a little. Josh was staring at him with an intensity he couldn't place, and he couldn't help but cower under his gaze. 

"Come over after school."

Tyler frowned, swallowing. "You know I can't. Grounded."

"Tell 'em you're helping me study."

"You don't need help studying."

"They don't need to know that!" Josh smirked a little, but it wasn't mischievous for once. It was... giddy, almost. "C'mon, we can play Mario Kart. My parents are out of town, I'll order you pizza if I have to."

"You're just trying to bother me so you won't be lonely."

"... Touche, monkey boy, touche."

Tyler sighed a little at the familiar nickname. He thought he would've hated it by now, but the way 'monkey boy' rolled off Josh's tongue was far more preferable than hearing Josh goad him about how he _surely_ knew why he'd gotten Tyler to tutor him on Saturdays over material he already knew.

"We'll see," he muttered, then reached into his backpack for a bag of grapes.

"That's so a yes."

"It's not a yes, it's a maybe."

"It's halfway to yes. Don't crush my optimism."

"It's not a yes."

It was definitely a yes.

~

The day Tyler went home with Josh to play Mario Kart and eat pizza was the first day in Tyler's life that he had explicitly lied to his parents about his whereabouts. True, he had homework to finish, and true, so did Josh, but did either of them have any intention of doing it while Tyler was over?

Not even a little bit.

The minute Tyler set foot in Josh's room, he collapsed back onto the bed and feigned sleeping. He'd seen the electric drums on the way into the room, and his heart had leaped at the sight of it. Maybe Josh would play for him again...

Suddenly there was a tickling sensation on either side of Tyler, and he yelped, eyes flying wide open and arms flailing to cover his midsection. There, hovering over him off from the side of the bed, was Josh, fingers dancing across Tyler's sides and making him giggle uncontrollably.

"Get off," Tyler gasped, frantically attempting to shove Josh's arms away. "I hate it!"

"You love me," Josh laughed, pulling Tyler into his arms only to tickle his stomach the instant Tyler let him.

"I swear to god, Josh, I'll rip your arms off-"

With a loud laugh, Josh finally let him go, grinning brightly in amusement over Tyler's plight. Tyler, on the other hand, sat up cross legged on the bed and pouted up at him like a petulant child.

"I hate you."

"You don't."

He didn't.

Tyler's eyes wandered over to the drums. "You should play for me again."

Josh ran a hand through his warm brown hair as he approached the drums and flipped the switch, glancing back at him with daring eyes. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"C'mere," Josh beckoned. With an uneasy look, Tyler swung his legs over the side of the bed and shuffled over to Josh. "I wanna teach you a little bit."

Tyler froze up, staring at the drumsticks as Josh held them out for him. "I don't know if I..."

"C'mon, if you're gonna sneak around and play pianos you might as well get the hang of rhythm."

Tyler shrugged, and took hold of the drumsticks.

"Okay, sit down, I'll be right behind you."

Tyler shifted around uncomfortably, but did as he was told, plopping himself down less than gracefully onto the stool. He looked around the drums with wide, intimidated eyes. This was a whole new world of musicality he had never dreamed of approaching, but in that moment he figured hanging out with Josh a little bit wouldn't be too bad after all.

"Okay, so hold the sticks so just a little bit of the end is off the palm of your hand," Josh instructed. When Tyler attempted to grip the sticks, Josh reached around on either side of him and shifted his hands, keeping his own hands wrapped gently around Tyler's. Tyler, for one, could physically feel his heart attempt to beat out of his chest. 

"Okay," Josh murmured. His voice was suddenly close to him, suddenly directly in his right ear, and it made him shake. "Okay, so you... the right pedal is for the huge drum in the front, the kick drum. The left pedal's for the hi hat, but don't worry about that yet. You're gonna... hit the hi hat, this cymbal looking thing, on every whole count, uh... like a one, two, three, four."

Tyler attempted to replicate it, shrugging a little within Josh's grasp."

"Okay, now on beat three, you hit this one." Josh guided the left drumstick over one of the circles, and directed him on when to hit the drum. "Then you press the right pedal for the kick drum on one."

Josh guided him through the pattern once, then slowly let go of Tyler as he went through the motions himself. He followed through the pattern a few times, then suddenly felt the headphones close over his ears. He could hear the deep beat of the kick drum, the shaky sound of the littler drum- the snare?- the crashing hi hat. He was playing the drums.

"Whoa," Tyler mumbled, setting the drumsticks down on the snare and staring wide eyed at the drum kit. 

"That there," Josh teased, placing the headphones on top of the drumsticks, "was some top notch novice drumming." 

Tyler spun around on the stool suddenly, and Josh backed up a tiny bit when they came face to face. But he couldn't wipe the smile off his face, and it seemed to rub off on Josh. "Cool."

"You're not too bad, you know."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Tyler's gaze fell to his lap, and he scrambled off the stool quickly, shyness quickly enveloping him. What if Josh was just being nice? He was probably horrible, there was no way he could compete with Josh, anyway. And then came the fear of why Josh even kept him around, why Josh wanted to hang out with him so bad, why Josh had come to tutoring that day when he hadn't needed the help, why Tyler even mattered to him-

"Tyler?"

His exceptionally worried head snapped up, and his gaze locked with Josh's. There was a mix of heat and worry in his warm brown eyes, and it made Tyler feel warm and funny inside. His heart was still pounding, but whether it was from how unbearably close Josh was or how unbearably embarrassed he felt about his probably nonexistent drumming skills, he wasn't sure.

"Sorry," he mumbled, trying to shuffle away from his problems like always, but Josh blocked him, and he glued his gaze to the floor. "Look, I don't know what it is that you want from me, but... but I don't get it. I really don't. I'm some stupid kid who fell while he was climbing shit, there's nothing interesting about me, and if you just feel bad for me- I mean, you said you didn't, but I don't know why else you would even bother-"

"Tyler, look at me."

Tyler looked up again.

Slowly, Josh inched closer to him. Tyler took an instinctive shuffle backward, and before he knew it, Josh had him cornered by the hi hat, a determined look in his warm brown beautiful eyes.

"Josh?"

Josh only shushed him gently, and he felt one warm hand as it settled lightly on his hip. Panic flooded into his veins, pumping through his heart and fogging up his vision. Josh must have noticed, because he gave his hip a soft squeeze and backed up a little. "You can tell me to stop," he murmured. 

Tyler froze. He needed to tell him to stop. He didn't want Josh this close, not with the way that boy was looking at him right then, the hungry look in his eyes as he sized Tyler up. He wanted to shrink, to disappear from the room or melt into a puddle on the floor. Anything but answer.

"Josh," was all he could stammer out, a broken, feeble sound. He felt weak. Why couldn't he just say  _ stop _ ? Josh inched a little closer, and the jello-like feeling in his legs intensified. He was going to pass out. "Josh," he repeated, even smaller than before.

"Tell me to stop," Josh repeated, “and I'll stop.” Tyler shook his head. His voice wouldn't work. Maybe it didn't want to. Hell if he knew.

"Josh."

"Tyler."

He was too close, way too close. He was everywhere, all he could see was Josh, all he could feel was the warmth of his body, and before he could curse himself for not saying one dumb word, Josh's lips were planted firmly on his own.

Tyler wanted to scream, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. There was so much Josh, everywhere, lips on his, hands on his skin, burning through him, gripping him tightly, filling his senses, the slight smell of sweat mixed with musky cologne, the soft grunt Josh let out against his lips as he pushed forward. His back hit the wall beside Josh's drums, and he whimpered, fucking  _ whimpered _ against Josh's lips, and Josh immediately broke away.

He wanted to complain, and could've kicked himself for it.

"Are you okay?" Josh asked, and there was a sincerity to the words. Tyler could barely move, sure as shit couldn't speak, and hardly managed to nod once. "You can stop me, Tyjo. It's okay."

Tyler shook his head, this time with a little more force as he managed to breathe through the aftershocks. Josh just kissed him. Josh  _ kissed _ him, and fuck, he liked it. He liked it a  _ lot _ .

He watched intently as Josh's gaze flickered down and landed on his lips, then met his eyes. A blush spread hotly across his cheeks, and Josh chuckled. 

"... Do you want me to do that again?" 

Against his better judgement, Tyler nodded.

This time, Josh's lips landed softly against Tyler's. They fluttered down sweetly, lips barely brushing together, and without thinking Tyler craned his neck to deepen the kiss. He heard Josh chuckle against his lips and felt his arms snake around his hips, pulling their bodies flush against each other as he tilted his head to gain better access to Tyler's lips.

Tyler's head, for one, was swimming. He was caught up in the endless sensations of kissing Josh, so caught up in the racing of his heart and the warmth of Josh's body, the strange roughness of his stubbly cheeks and chin, surrounded on all sides by Josh, Josh, Josh- until he went slack and his head bumped unforgivingly back against the wall, causing a soft thud.

"Sorry," Josh was quick to whisper, and Tyler couldn't help but shake his head. He wanted Josh's lips, but they were ghosting kisses along his jaw now, making their way down his neck. "You're beautiful, Tyjo."

"Josh," he gasped, his head tilting back just enough for Josh to tug the collar of his shirt aside and bite down gently on the tender skin of his collarbone. “ _ Shit _ .” He hissed at the sensation, but immediately after, Josh’s tongue soothed the bite and he began to suck, and he was  _ reeling _ . 

"Good boy can curse, huh?"

Tyler blushed. "Sh-shut up," he grumbled. 

With a laugh, Josh's lips meandered back up his heated skin and claimed Tyler's lips again, with a little more force than before, but still cautious. Tyler sighed against his lips, and draped his arms around Josh's neck, fingers curling into the hair at the back of his head and pushing him closer. In response the hands on his hips gripped a little tighter, and he felt it when Josh rolled his hips to meet his own.

_ That's not my erection that's not my erection that is NOT MY- _

"Josh," he gasped out, abruptly pulling back from the kiss, but still incredibly unwilling to let the boy go. Josh only nodded, leaning forward to peck his nose gently.

"It's okay," Josh assured him, a hand smoothing up and down his back gently. "We can stop."

"But," he started to complain, but he bit his lip at the last minute and nodded, letting Josh go as he stepped back. "Sorry."

Josh frowned. "Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong."

For a moment Tyler just stared, stared at the wide brown eyes full of concern, at the lips reddened from kissing, the warm brown hair that he now knew was soft to the touch and fun to play with, and sighed. "I still wanna kiss you," he mumbled.

At that Josh laughed, and crawled over onto the center of his bed, sprawling out with a dopey grin. "We can still kiss," he offered, opening his arms wide and making Tyler snicker. "C'mere, monkey boy."

With a disdainful roll of his eyes, Tyler shuffled over and reclined into the slant space beside Josh, squealing a bit when he was immediately enveloped into his arms. He started to laugh, but was quickly cut off by Josh's lips again on his own, and instantly forgot what he'd been laughing about. Hands wandered gently up and down his sides, keeping a safe distance now, and Tyler was endlessly grateful for it. He'd need time to adjust to this, to... whatever this was. 

Tyler slid a hand up Josh's chest and let it rest there, leaning over a little bit to deepen the kiss, but it remained sweet, a gentle caress of lips against lips. 

He could get used to this.


	8. i can feel your breath (i want to know you)

Tyler couldn't sleep that night for shit. 

All that filled his mind was that kiss, thoughts that made him toss and turn and blush underneath the heavy covers as he tried to clear his head and get some goddamn rest, but his brain couldn't find the strength to push away the memory of Josh's lips on his, warm and soft and nice...

He needed to breathe before he hyperventilated at the mere thought of it.

Of all things that could've possibly happened while hanging out with Josh Dun, he shouldn't have been so surprised that a kiss was one of them. Was he right? Did Josh like him, or was he just a horny teenager? Maybe both. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, and as the night dragged on, he was too damn tired to worry himself over it.

So he drifted off finally, thoughts of Josh's lips pressed gently against his own swimming in his head, filling all the empty and wounded spaces with warmth and light.

In the morning, however, the light was gone, and his mind had turned cold.

Tyler was depressed. He had such intense and spontaneous mental drops, emotional drops, and usually he was pretty good at hiding them or working past them, but none had ever been as physically intense as this. Nowhere near it. 

His mind felt heavy, his limbs weak as he struggled to sit up and crawl out of bed, swaying side to side on his feet as he glanced around the room. Zack was already up, that was nothing new, and he was grateful for space. He needed a minute to get his shit together.

Immediately Tyler shuffled across the room and searched through his closet, grabbing a t-shirt and jeans, then changed out of his pajamas and into his clothes for the day. He slid on his tennis shoes next, and all of a sudden crumpled to the floor, a pitiful squeak of pain escaping his throat before he could choke it back. It wasn't his body that hurt, his ass that he'd fallen onto. It was his head.

He felt cold. He felt broken. He felt  _ bad _ . It was as if he was fatally ill, but instead of his body wracked with sickness, it was his mind. His emotions. He couldn't _take_ it.

Without thinking, Tyler stumbled back across the room and reached for his phone, yanking it off the charger and unlocking it with shaking hands. Josh's contact was the first one he saw, and he hit call before he could really think about what he was doing, why he was calling, why he needed Josh so badly.

"Hey," came a slightly breathless Josh's voice after a few rings. Tyler didn't answer, his voice caught in his throat, and all that came out was a frantic gasp for air. "Hey, are you okay?"

"No," he croaked out. He could feel tears pricking in his eyes and could've smacked himself for being so damn weak. "I... sorry, I don't know why I... I'm..."

"Hey, it's okay," Josh assured him. There was a pause, and he heard the creaking of a bed distantly. "Do you want me to come get you?"

"You don't have to do that."

"Do you need me right now?"

Tyler paused.  _ Yes _ , his mind screamed.  _ Yes, you're all I've been able to think about for weeks now and it's driving me crazy and I don't understand you but you make me feel whole and worthwhile and like I have purpose and I  _ need _ you _ . "Please."

"I'm on my way."

"Okay."

"Hang in for me, Tyjo. I'll be right there."

"Okay."

"I'm hanging up now."

" _ Go _ , Josh."

He heard a soft, humorless chuckle on the other end of the line before the call ended, and as soon as it did, Tyler flopped back onto his bed and sighed. 

This boy was going to be the death of him.

In the meantime, Tyler opted to scramble about the room and grab his things, stuffing notebooks and pencils into his backpack, before rushing downstairs. Josh didn't live too far away, so Tyler figured he'd be there any minute. 

"Getting a ride to school," he called to Zack, who was sitting at the table mid-bagel bite. "Don't wait up."

"Never do."

Tyler rolled his eyes, and simply rushed himself right out the door. As he did his phone buzzed, and with a sigh, he glanced down at the text visible on the lock screen.

zack: don't tell me. josh dun.

Tyler didn't answer.

Instead, he watched intently as a gray truck rolled up just a few feet from Tyler's house, and a messy head of warm brown hair peeked out the passenger window. 

"Heard you needed a ride, monkey boy."

Tyler shook his head incredulously but rushed over to the truck nonetheless. Just seeing Josh's wide brown eyes and lips perpetually tilted upward at the corners had lifted his spirits- but as soon as the thought crossed his mind, another wave of biting, all-encompassing cold swept over his mind and he dropped again.

He reached up with weak hands and managed to throw the passenger door open. "Hey," he mumbled as he clambered into the seat, then pulled the door shut behind him.

But Josh didn't start driving. "Are you okay?"

Tyler swallowed hard. "Fine," he murmured instinctively.

"Don't give me that," Josh insisted. His hand slid across the empty space between them and grasped Tyler's hand gently, his thumb gliding softly over the back of his hand. "You called me for a reason, didn't you?"

Tyler wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to beat his head against the car door until the cold went away and his thoughts stopped _screaming_. "I," he croaked out, but it was all he could manage before another wave of cold washed over him and he broke. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes and streamed silently down his face.

"Tyler," Josh sighed, and his grip on his hand tightened ever so slightly. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here, alright?"

"I'm sorry," Tyler mumbled, forcing his eyes up to stare out at the road. "Sorry. We should go."

"Okay," Josh whispered, and put the truck into drive, but instead of turning around and heading out of the neighborhood in the direction of Triad, he went forward.

"Josh?"

"I'm gonna text a friend and ask her to call in sick for you," he answered vaguely. "We're taking what's called a mental health day."

"... A what?"

Josh smiled weakly, eyes fixated on the road, but grip on Tyler's hand never faltering. "Mental health day. Or, more commonly known as a  _ break _ .”

"You're making that up."

"I'm not, people take breaks all the time!"

" _ Josh _ ."

He laughed lightly and gave Tyler's hand a squeeze. "I'm serious. Have you ever just given yourself a day off?"

"Don't have the time." 

Josh clicked his tongue disapprovingly, taking a left out of the neighborhood. Tyler sighed and slumped further into his seat defeatedly. "That's where you're wrong. No time is a lie forced onto us by the really fucked up public education system so they can overwork you and make themselves look good. Do you have practice after school?"

Tyler blinked. "Uh, no. It's Wednesday, right?"

"Mhmm." Suddenly he was turning right into a park, and Tyler rolled his eyes at his choice of ditching locations. "Sweet. Have you eaten anything today?"

"Oh, uh, no."

Josh looked over at him in disbelief. "Okay, my parents leave for work in an hour. I'll make you food- god, Tyler, you have to  _ feed _ yourself."

Tyler shrugged.

With a sigh, Josh pulled into one of the parking spaces in front of a long green slope of grass. The park was empty save for a few runners across the yard, and a few ducks in the man-made lake to the left of the grass. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been to the park, maybe not at all since he was a child. 

"Listen," Josh finally spoke, his voice a soft murmur. "You don't have to tell me anything, okay? I just want you to know that if you need to get anything off your chest, I'll listen. Alright? Don't bottle up whatever's bothering you for my sake, I only care if you're alright."

"I'm not alright," Tyler muttered, his gaze dropping to his hands as they fidgeted in his lap. Josh turned off the truck, then reached over again and settled one hand over Tyler's. "I'm not, I..."

"Tyler?"

"... Yeah?"

"Tyler, look at me."

The last time Josh said that, they ended up kissing. Slowly, cautiously, Tyler lifted his eyes to meet Josh's. His were wide and full of concern, scanning over his face carefully, and Tyler sighed. "You care."

Josh's eyes nearly bugged out. "Of course I fucking care. This is... this is _you_ we're talking about."

"But I'm not..."

Immediately Josh surged forward, and their lips connected again. It wasn't forceful, just the sheer pressure of Josh's lips against his, but Tyler felt himself fill to the brim with warmth from the simple contact alone. His hands lifted instinctively and knotted into Josh's hair, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. 

He felt Josh lean over the console between them and instinctively backed up toward the car door to give him space, sighing faintly against his lips as Josh hovered protectively over him. Suddenly Josh pulled away from the kiss, however, and Tyler couldn't help but pout up at him.

Josh laughed, running a shaky hand over his face. "This isn't what I had in mind when I said you should take a break," he teased, but there was no menace in his voice.

"Are you complaining?"

In response, Josh leaned further down, until Tyler's head bumped against the car door and he felt Josh's hand cup the back of his head apologetically. "Not even a little bit," he whispered, and this time, Tyler leaned up and kissed Josh.

He could feel Josh's little jump of shock, but the boy above him recovered quickly, immediately returning the kiss with a fervor that made Tyler weak. His arms coiled tightly around Josh's neck in the attempt to pull him closer, and in response Josh hauled him upright, sliding both hands down Tyler's back and up underneath his shirt, cool hands trailing up and down his heated skin and making him shiver.

The kiss slowed for a moment, and Tyler suddenly felt the slick tip of Josh's tongue trace his bottom lip. He shuddered at the feeling, but still felt the loss when Josh pulled away a little. "Is this okay?"

If Tyler had nodded any harder, he figured his head might've fallen off.

With a low chuckle, Josh connected their lips again, and he felt the tip of his tongue trace around his lips slowly, as if memorizing the shape. A quiet gasp escaped Tyler's throat at the sensation, and his lips instinctively parted, then before he knew it Josh's tongue was exploring his mouth with a vengeance and _hell_ , he liked it.

His first instinct was to haul Josh closer, to feel every inch of his body pressed up against his own, but his knees hit the console between them and he whined, pulling away slightly from the kiss. "Josh," he whispered hoarsely, and Josh simply nodded. 

"Hang on, baby," Josh told him, and his eyes widened impossibly at the pet name, but he nodded. He may have liked hearing Josh call him baby a little too much. He watched as Josh crawled over the console and into the scant space in the back seats of the truck. "C'mere." He paused, then shook his head. "If you want. You don't-"

"Shut up," Tyler stammered less than confidently, but immediately started crawling over the console and onto Josh's lap. His legs straddled Josh's half from the lack of space to not do that in the back of the truck, and half to get as close as possible to Josh. It was weird and new and really, really weird but then Josh was kissing him again and he couldn't care less.

"Tyler," Josh growled against his lips, and Tyler whimpered at the sound. A moment later Josh’s lips broke away, and Tyler nearly complained, but they traveled down the side of his neck instead, leaving a hot trail of open-mouthed kisses against his skin. His mouth hung open loosely, nothing but a quiet sigh leaving his lips as his head tilted to the side of its own will. "You like that, huh? You liked having my teeth on you the other day, didn't you?"

Tyler could've cried at just how obscene Josh sounded. “God, yeah,” he whispered.

“Yeah?” Suddenly he felt teeth scrape far too lightly against the hollow of his throat. A low, breathless whimper escaped from Tyler’s mouth at the sensation, and he didn’t miss the sharp breath it earned from Josh. “Fuck, baby, you sound so pretty.”

“Josh,” he whined, his hands grasping at Josh’s hair as his head ducked to catch his lips with his own again. 

“Tell me what you want, baby boy,” Josh whispered, his hands sliding up and down Tyler’s sides slowly, methodically. Tyler froze a little, eyes dropping to Josh’s chest, the seat behind him. “Tyler? We can stop.”

“Don’t wanna,” he muttered despondently, and his eyes flickered up to meet Josh’s. He looked wrecked, eyes dark and full of pure lust, lips red and glossy and delicious, parted slightly with his heavy breathing. He looked  _ beautiful _ . 

 

Josh’s lips brushed lightly over his jaw, and he sighed at the contact. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “That’s okay. We can keep kissing if you want, only if you want. You stop me as soon as you get uncomfortable, okay?”

Tyler tugged lightly on Josh’s hair, and he watched as Josh lifted his head to look at him carefully. “Thank you,” he whispered, lips rolling together nervously. “I don’t know what I’m… but you’re, you’ve been really… I just…”

Instead of letting him ramble, Josh cut him off with another kiss, and Tyler was endlessly grateful for it. It was as if the simple pressure of Josh's lips was his reset, clearing his mind of the bad, angry, cold thoughts that piled up over time and made way for the good, warm ones. Josh was warm, warm skin pressed against his cold body, warm lips spreading heat everywhere they touched. 

_Blue and red_ , he figured. _That's us._


	9. just to maybe hear you say, that you are falling too

tyler: was asked to do extra tutoring hrs today, is that okay?

mom: of course. be home in time for dinner though.

tyler: alright

Josh shot him a bright, proud smile as Tyler hit send. "I shouldn't be this proud that my less than truthful tendencies have rubbed off on you," he admitted, "yet here we are."

"You're unbelievable," Tyler muttered as he threw his phone into his backpack. But there was a matching smile on his own lips despite it all, and he couldn't find it within himself to be really mad about it. It was Josh, after all.

Josh. It still didn't make sense just why they became friends, but now it was undeniable- they were friends. They didn't study, they hung out, played video games and messed with each other. Tyler had even started showing Josh some of the poetry he'd written- _some_ , not all. He wasn't keen on letting the majority of it go just yet, but some of it he'd revealed, and Josh's reaction was well worth it.

When he wasn't hanging out with Josh at lunch, he was in the music rooms in the arts building, creating for himself a foundation in music theory. He'd lost count of the number of online music theory crash courses he'd dug up and drank in greedily, of the number of chord charts he'd saved to his phone and drawn in journals to use as references as he wrote music.

He'd started to write music. Hell, he didn't know how to play the songs he'd heard on the radio, or sang in church, the songs he already knew. But now he could play his own. There were only a few in existence so far, untitled works with depressing words and shabby chords, broken melodies, but they existed, and they were his. His creation, stowed away in a secret journal of poetry that only he knew about.

A journal that Josh now knew about, too, and funny enough, it didn't bother him any. In fact, it was a relief for someone to know, a weight off his shoulders. 

Josh had changed his life, and it only kept coming.

"What crazy, potentially illegal shit do you have planned for tonight, Jishwa?" 

Josh laughed, leaning over and swatting at Tyler's arm playfully. They'd created pet names for each other already. It was  _ disgusting _ . "I dunno, I kinda want to dye my hair."

"Yeah, have fun with that."

Josh shook his head. "I'm serious! I have a bleach kit at home, I'd just have to get dye and I'm set."

Tyler shrugged a little, turning in the passenger seat to face Josh. "What colors are you thinking?"

"Something bright and annoying that'll piss off administration."

Tyler burst at the seams, cackling at the thought. "You gotta do it. You don't even need my encouragement, I know you'd do it anyway."

"You know me well," Josh snickered. "What about blue?"

"Bright neon blue."

Josh grinned, hitting the steering wheel triumphantly as he pulled into the driveway. "Bingo! I'll go look for some tomorrow." He smirked, eyes flashing over to meet Tyler's as he parked the car. "We should bleach my hair today."

"You're kidding."

"Nope," he chuckled, popping the 'p.' "It'll be fun! You can watch the transformation as it happens."

"If the world didn't think you were a shameful punk before," Tyler muttered just loud enough for Josh to hear as he hopped out of the truck, shaking his head with mock disapproval, "they're sure gonna get that clue now."

"Gotta maintain that bad boy image," Josh sneered, and with an arm thrown around Tyler's shoulders, they headed into the house.

"You're the least bad boy I've ever known," Tyler teased, shoving him lightly as the door clicked shut behind them. "You're one big softie."

Josh gasped, a hand falling over his heart as he feigned hurt. "You wound me, Tyjo."

"Hey, boys," a friendly voice greeted from the kitchen. Tyler smiled a little as Mrs. Dun poked her head around the corner. He was still wary around her, as he was with most adults, but Mrs. Dun was nice, and treated him like she would any of Josh's friends, with a smile and a kind word. "You two hungry?"

"A little, yeah," Josh admitted, and he trotted into the kitchen to grab a bag of chips. "I think we have Red Bull. Ty, want some?"

"Do you even know me?" Tyler teased softly, following close behind Josh. Mrs. Dun chuckled and went back to cooking. 

"You two are crazy," she said fondly, and it made Tyler smile as he accepted a cold Red Bull from Josh.

"We're gonna bleach my hair today," Josh informed her proudly, chest puffing a little as he started to steer Tyler toward the stairs. "Then I'm gonna dye it neon blue."

"I'm sure your teachers will love that."

Josh laughed as they both started jogging upstairs. "You know it!"

"Your mom is so cool," Tyler mumbled as they stumbled into Josh's room, the door falling shut behind them. 

"Yeah, she's nice." Josh paused, turning to face Tyler with his head cocked to the side. "On a scale of one to ten, how badly d'you think your mom would react if you brought me home to hang one day?"

"You're asking about my physical death. Gonna have to say a hundred."

Josh laughed out loud, eyes bright as they locked onto Tyler's, and he felt his heart flutter at the sight. Tyler was slowly but surely getting used to that happening literally every time Josh did something unbearably adorable. "Don't worry," he teased, reaching forward and ruffling Tyler's hair. "I'll protect you."

"Yeah, sure," Tyler mumbled, ducking his head as he fixed his hair and did not blush. At all. Not even a little bit.

"C'mon, the bleach is in the bathroom." Josh opened up a door on the right of his room, and lo and behold was an adjoined bathroom, with one long sink and several cabinets beneath. He creaked one open and produced a green box of hair color, showing a blonde model on the front with her hair flowing. "They act like you'll end up platinum blond in one go," Josh muttered, shaking his head as he pulled out another box. "But my hair's super dark, so we have to do it twice."

Tyler simply raised his hands in defeat. "I have no idea how this works," he informed Josh, eyeing the boxes of bleach warily. "Just so you know."

Josh simply grinned, baring his teeth. "This is gonna be fun."

He then cracked open the first box, pulling out a foreign packet and a weird bottle, along with instructions. "Wait, do I have-" He checked under the sink again, and this time pulled out a pair of rubber gloves. "You work all the bleach into your hair, as close to the roots as possible." He held up the weird bottle looking thing then, showing it to Tyler, who was simply leaning against the wall and observing. "This is just to mix up the bleach."

"I feel so informed."

Josh stuck his tongue out like a child, and Tyler rolled his eyes. "We'll dye your hair someday."

"Yeah, right."

"Maybe bright ass pink."

Tyler laughed. "Good luck with that."

With a final smirk Tyler's way, Josh ripped open the packet and dumped white powder into the weird bottle. Tyler watched with ever so slightly heightened curiosity as Josh mixed the powder with water and shook it up, stirring it to a paste, then screwed on the bottle cap and picked up the pair of rubber gloves. "Have you done this before?"

"Nope," Josh laughed as he slid the gloves on. "That's why I use the internet."

"Don't sass me, boy."

Josh stuck his tongue out at him like a petulant child, and Tyler couldn’t help but laugh. "I'll do what I want, mom."

Finally, Josh started to squirt out the pasty substance, spread it between his now latex covered hands, and began working it into his hair. Tyler's eyes were fixated on the warm brown hair being coated thoroughly in bleach, fixated with unwavering fascination as Josh continued to squirt out bleach and cover his hair in it. Josh must have noticed his interest, because as soon as he peeled the gloves off and tossed them in the trash can, he darted across the bathroom and planted a brief kiss against Tyler's forehead.

"And now, we wait."

Tyler could only nod, head completely reeling. Being so close to Josh was something he still wasn't entirely used to, something that still startled him and made his heart race and his face heat up. But he brushed it off, ducking his head to hide his blush and smacking Josh's arm when he chuckled at it.

A pattern began after that. They sat on Josh's bedroom floor for the next thirty minutes, sprawled out playing Mario Kart and making snarky comments at each other, then Josh darted into the bathroom to rinse out his hair and blow dry it. When he returned next, his hair had been lightened to an orange-blond, and Tyler couldn't help but giggle.

"You look like you're on fire," he teased. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going."

"Hey." Josh paused, turning to look at Tyler from the bathroom doorway. "You look great."

Josh just stared at him for a second, hovering with a shy smile on his face, then muttered some sort of thank you and ducked back into the bathroom. Tyler laughed. 

A quiet Josh Dun was something he'd never expected to see in his life- and yet. And yet.

Minutes later Josh returned with orange-blond hair covered in more pasty bleach, and they continued their intense Mario Kart session. By the end of the second thirty minute run, Tyler was in first place, and Josh in third, much to Josh's dismay.

"Toad is a little fucker," Josh mumbled, skulking across the room toward the bathroom as Tyler fell back onto the floor giggling.

"You're ridiculous," Tyler laughed out.

Josh just shook his head, looking down at him with fond eyes. "Says you." He crouched down suddenly, face dangerously close to Tyler's. "You're cute."

"Shut up."

"No." His lips landed briefly on Tyler's nose, sending a wave of embarrassed heat up Tyler's body, but an instant later Josh hopped up and dashed into the bathroom again.

When he returned next, Josh's hair was coated in bright blue dye.

Tyler had crawled up onto Josh's bed while he'd been gone, laying on his back and sprawled out comfortably, and immediately sat up and stared in mute fascination as Josh wandered over to him.

"I thought you didn't have dye."

"My mom picked up some, apparently," he laughed, sitting on the bed beside him. "She saw it in Wal-Mart and bought it as a joke."

"Yet, here we are."

Josh grinned, suddenly leaning forward and connecting their lips for the first time that afternoon. Tyler's eyes widened at the unexpected action, but immediately drifted shut as he felt Josh's hand card softly through his hair, felt his other arm wind around his waist and pull him close.

"Don't get blue all over me," Tyler mumbled absently as Josh pulled him into his lap, gasping at the sudden move. "Josh."

"Yeah, baby?"

Tyler whined, ducking his head back and forcing Josh to look at him. "You're literally covered in blue dye."

"And?"

"I don't wanna get blue dye on me." Josh leaned forward again, and Tyler couldn't help but kiss him breathless. He was helpless against Josh's lips, the feel of Josh's arms around him, helpless to resist a single thing that boy did. But as soon as a hand snaked under his shirt, Tyler pulled back and made a face. "I'm not making out with you while you have _bright ass blue_ _dye_ in your hair."

"Tyler," he tried, giving him sad puppy dog eyes, but Tyler just shook his head and crawled away, sprawling back out across the bed with a smirk. "Oh, baby boy, you're gonna get it later."

Tyler's eyes widened at the words, and he rolled onto his side, hiding his face against his arm. "You're mean."

"You love me."

Tyler simply rolled his eyes. 

The Mario Kart tournament resumed, but Josh's focus was elsewhere and Tyler knew it. Between the less than subtle looks and the hand wandering up and down Tyler's thigh, it was hard to stay focused on driving a damn computerized car around a snowy circuit. But thirty minutes passed, and Josh was hopping back up and darting into the bathroom, leaving Tyler burning with curious anticipation and slight nervousness. He lifted himself back up onto the bed and sat cross-legged, staring blankly at the muted TV screen showing his demotion to second place- but Josh was still in third, so he didn't mind. 

"What do you think?"

Tyler jumped, head snapping to the side to look in the bathroom doorway, and stared. As promised, Josh's hair was a bright blue, cotton candy-like, wet strands of mostly-dry blue hair sticking up in places that were smoothed down by Josh's nervous hand. 

"Wow," Tyler murmured, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "It looks sick."

"Yeah?" Josh inched forward. 

"Yeah, I love it."

"Me too."

He inched forward again, slowly shuffling across the room until his knees bumped Tyler's. Their eyes were locked, and Tyler was reasonably nervous. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Hands reached down and clasped Tyler's, and he almost relaxed, but they immediately pushed him back onto the bed and pinned Tyler's hands to either side of his head. Josh hovered over him, a wicked smirk on his face. "Cause I think I told you that you were gonna get it."

"Yeah?"

Josh hummed an affirmative, his lips wandering down Tyler's neck vengefully. "If that's okay," he whispered hoarsely, scraping the edge of his teeth down the column of Tyler's throat, "with you."

Tyler whimpered loudly, head falling back against the pillows and neck arching toward Josh's mouth. "God, yeah," he answered under his breath. Josh chuckled, before taking the skin below Tyler's collarbone between his teeth and sucking gently. "Oh,  _ shit _ ." 

One of Josh's hands released Tyler's, sliding purposefully down Tyler's side as his hand knotted itself instinctively into Josh's hair. "You make such pretty sounds," Josh praised lowly. Suddenly his hand gripped Tyler's hip, holding him steady as his hips rolled down against Tyler's, and a high pitched moan broke free from Tyler's throat. "Is that okay?" 

"Yes," Tyler whined, his legs spreading of their own device. He didn't know what was happening, what he wanted, what he felt. What he did know was that Josh's erection rubbing against his growing one felt fucking good, and he wanted to feel it again. "S'good,  _ please _ ."

"Fuck," Josh hissed quietly, sitting back and pulling Tyler up to straddle his hips. "You like that?" he teased, pulling Tyler's hips down against his own. All Tyler could do was nod frantically, jaw completely slack and voice utterly gone. "Yeah? You look so good like this." Tyler keened, bucking his hips a little and clawing for purchase at the backs of Josh's shoulders, gnawing his bottom lip raw. "Such a needy baby boy, aren't you?"

" _ Josh _ ," was all he could choke out before Josh's lips were on his again. He felt warm hands snake under Tyler's shirt, slide up his back, around to his stomach and down his torso, hovering a moment over the button of his jeans- then paused and gripped the hem of Tyler's shirt.

"Is this okay?" Josh asked, lifting Tyler's shirt ever so slightly. Tyler paused, gaze dropping and flickering back and forth around the room, but he ended up nodding. "You can say no. I won't be mad."

Tyler met Josh's eyes finally, looked steadily into warm brown eyes filled with concern, and he nodded again. "It's okay," he murmured, and with that Josh started to pull Tyler's shirt up. Tyler lifted his arms to help in the process, and as soon as the clothing was off it was tossed onto the floor. 

Immediately Tyler went to cover himself with his arms, but Josh grabbed both his wrists and held them aside. "Fuck, Ty," he muttered. His warm lips traveled the familiar path down his throat, and as the cool sheets hit his back again he felt his warm lips reach his chest, pressing soft kisses across his torso. "You're fucking beautiful," Josh whispered, and it made him sigh dreamily. "You're a work of art, I swear. I could kiss you all over forever."

"No one's stopping you," Tyler teased weakly, but then Josh's lips closed around one nipple and he wasn't talking anymore. A sharp breath wracked out of his body at the sensation, and he groaned. " _ Josh _ .”

He made the brief mistake of looking down at Josh, who was tracing around his nipple with the tip of his tongue, and the image was so filthy his head instinctively fell back against the pillows and his eyes squeezed shut. A wave of heat went straight down to his crotch, and he moaned, hips lifting slightly.

"What do you want, baby boy?"

Tyler paused. It was a familiar question. Last time he hadn't had an answer, and apparently, this time was no different. "I," he choked out, fairly distracted by the edge of Josh's teeth scraping over his nipple. "Josh, please."

"Please what?"

"I don't  _ know _ ," he whimpered, hips lifting again. He wanted the pressure back, wanted to feel Josh against him, wanted the throbbing in his pants to go away. "Hurts," he complained. 

"What hurts, baby?" Tyler could've cried, and bucked his hips up instead. " _ Oh _ ." Suddenly a hand slid down over the tent in his jeans, and he couldn't hold back the loud moan that escaped his mouth at the friction. Immediately Josh crawled up and cut him off with a rough kiss, and honestly, Tyler wasn't complaining. "You gotta be quiet for me, okay baby? I can take care of you, but you gotta be quiet."

"What are you..." Tyler's head was swimming too much for coherent thought. "Josh, I..."

Suddenly Josh was sitting back a little, and both of his hands came up to cup Tyler's face gently. "You can still stop me, okay?"

" _Don't_ ," he croaked out with a weak rock of his hips. 

Josh grinned, then slid his body down, kissing down Tyler's chest as he went. "Let me take care of you, okay baby boy? Don't you worry about a thing, I've got you." Tyler only nodded distantly, too far gone to speak any coherent words. He felt Josh's fingers trace the zipper of his jeans, felt the tip of his finger trail down his erection through his pants and bit his lip hard, a soft whine escaping his lips. "You sound so pretty," Josh growled, and suddenly pressed his lips to his still clothed erection.

He felt it as the pressure from his jeans slowly disappeared, as the restricting pants were pulled down his legs and tossed aside. His head snapped up suddenly in embarrassment, and he started to close his legs, but Josh's hands gripped his thighs decisively. "Don't," he ordered, but his eyes were soft. "You're fucking beautiful, Tyler."

Tyler simply whined, turning his head to hide in the pillow that smelled wonderfully of Josh. His boxers were pulled down after that, and he couldn't look. 

"Look at me, baby."

He froze, giving a small shake of his head. 

"Baby boy."

At that, Tyler whined, turning his head a tiny bit to face Josh. Then his head turned completely to face him, wide-eyed in awe. Josh had taken his shirt off while he hadn't been looking, something he _cursed_ himself for missing, but his eyes drank in the sight regardless. "Josh," he whispered, and with a sly grin the boy leaned over him and kissed him hard. 

"You're so beautiful," Josh murmured. Suddenly a hand wrapped loosely around Tyler's cock, and he moaned into the kiss, hips bucking up into Josh's hand. "You like that? Do you ever jerk yourself off like this?" 

Half of Tyler wanted to cry at the overwhelming amount of Josh around him, and the other half was simply too far gone to notice anything that wasn't the hand stroking his cock at a much too leisurely pace. "Yeah," he choked out, turning his head back to the side and biting his hand to keep from making too much noise.

"Fuck, you look so good," Josh grunted. "So good for me. Bet no one else has touched you like this." Hot lips connected with the shell of Tyler's ear suddenly, and he moaned into his hand. "I want you to think about this next time you get yourself off. Want you to think about me touching you instead, just how you like it." 

Immediately after he said it, his teeth dug into the skin just below Tyler's ear, and that was it. He came hard onto his stomach, a broken cry of " _ Josh _ ," muffled into his hand as he let go.

"Good boy," Josh praised. He continued to stroke Tyler through the orgasm, until he stopped shuddering and babbling in a whisper. He felt it as Josh disappeared off the bed, and immediately Tyler turned his head to watch as Josh grabbed his own shirt off the floor and wiped softly at Tyler's stomach with it. "You okay?"

Tyler just nodded, eyes drifting shut as Josh pulled his boxers back up and settled onto the bed next to him, shirt discarded once more. "Thanks," he mumbled quietly. 

He felt the warm arms that wrapped around him and pulled him against a warm body and sighed, nuzzling his head into Josh's bare chest. He'd never experienced something so intimate- besides where Josh's hand had been a moment ago- and somehow, this was more. Closer. "Believe me," he heard Josh reply, feeling his chest rumble against his cheek, "it was my pleasure."

Tyler wrapped an arm around Josh's middle, snuggling as close as possible.  _I could stay here forever._

_You don't deserve him._  


A sigh.  _No, I don't._ He was sure of it. 


	10. it's hard for me to see where ocean stops and sky begins

On the way to the music store on a Monday afternoon, Tyler wanted to say it.

But he didn't.

He got lost in the way Josh smiled when he talked about music, the way he drummed on the steering wheel with his hands at stoplights, how his eyes lit up, warmer and deeper and brighter in contrast with his stark blue hair when he looked Tyler's way. And he wanted to say it. There were three words weighing heavily on the tip of his tongue, ready to fall off into the world.

But he didn't say it. It couldn't be true. 

Instead, he shuffled through his backpack for his journal and opened it up to his first song. The first song he ever completed over weeks of pouring over chord charts, the circle of fifths diagrams, sheet music software, all culminating into the words on the page in front of him.

Drown. The first song. 

There were others, there were unfinished lyrics, single poems with no melody. But Drown was finished, and today, he would play it for Josh.

And he was _terrified_.

It wasn't that he didn't trust Josh, far from it. He didn't trust himself. What if his words were awful? What if the melody was boring? What if he made a fool of himself in front of this boy?

Why did he _care_ so much?

As Josh pulled into a parking space outside Guitar Center, the question struck him again. Why does Josh care? It didn't make sense, no matter how hard he thought on the question. He was just some kid Josh bumped into- or rather, just some kid who had landed on him- one day. He was just some kid. Josh would deny it to his grave, he was sure, but Tyler couldn't sway his thinking. He was just some kid, and he didn't know why he mattered.

Tyler shook the thought as soon as the truck was put into park. "I'm ready to be blown away," Josh informed him seriously, and Tyler simply rolled his eyes.

"Lower your standards a little bit, please and thank you."

Josh smiled fondly, laughing and shaking his head a fraction. "You think too little of yourself," he reprimanded, then leaned over the console between them to look Tyler directly in the widened eyes. 

"I'm serious, it's not that-"

He was cut off with a very brief kiss, and the air in his lungs was successfully stunned right out of him, rendering him speechless. It wasn't that he wasn't used to sudden kisses from Josh, but damn, they were in a very public place and he wasn't sure he wanted anyone who knew his parents to see him kissing a blue haired punk boy.

Josh, on the other hand, was grinning triumphantly. "Let's go," he cheered casually, then immediately propelled himself out of the driver's side of the car, leaving Tyler to suck in a deep breath and slide out of the passenger seat and onto the pavement below.

It was going to be a long afternoon.

Josh wrapped an arm around Tyler's shoulders as they walked up to the music store, and Tyler couldn't help but relax in his embrace. It was dawning on him gradually that he'd never been to a music store, that the place would be full of unfamiliar, judgemental faces. How could he play his music here? How would his dark thoughts be safe here?

But it was too late, Josh was pulling open the door to the Guitar Center for him, and on trembling feet Tyler shuffled inside, careful to stay under the protective warmth of Josh's arm.

Inside, he figured, was heaven on earth. 

The first thing he laid eyes on was a display of an electric keyboard surrounded by sale signs and acoustic guitars sat on speakers. He could see an entire wall of electric guitars in the back, a section of the store to his left devoted to speakers, audio equipment, recording software. To his right were drums, and as he lifted his gaze to Josh's face he could see that the drummer was instinctively drawn to them. An entire wall was devoted to different drum pieces, kick drums, snares, toms, there were even a few display electric kits, and past that, a practice room containing a real complete drum kit.

"I come here all the time," Josh told him as they walked further into the store. In front of the wall of electric guitars were rows upon rows of acoustic ones, where one worker sat tuning one. "They let me play their real kit. Company policy says it's reserved for employees, but the manager says as soon as there's an opening, I'm as good as hired."

"That's sick," Tyler mumbled. He couldn't help but stare at the music surrounding him. How had he gone through life unaware of places like this, places devoted to creative expression, to beautiful sounds, to life-giving art? 

Josh was grinning at him, and he didn't miss it.

"Here," Josh told him, pointing back toward the wall of electric guitars. Beside it was a closed door with a little window inside it. "That practice room has a piano."

"Alright."

"You doing okay?" Tyler looked up at him in slight shock and nodded silently. "Alright. Let's go."

Tyler allowed himself to be strung along to the back of the store, and simply watched as Josh opened up the practice room like he owned the place. 

The first thing he saw was a mess of wires on the floor toward the corner of the room, a rack of stored up keyboard equipment- or so the boxes were marked- on the far wall in front of him, and there, to the left of the door blessedly blocked by the wall, was the piano. A simple piano backed against the wall, but a piano that Tyler could play. Sort of.

Slowly, Tyler wandered over to the piano and set his journal on the music stand above the keys. He paused for a moment, glancing back at Josh as he shut the door behind them. Josh gave him a bright smile. "Sing us a song, piano man," he chirped as he plopped himself onto the floor beside the piano.

Tyler rolled his eyes. "You're ridiculous."

"You love it."

Tyler just snorted as he sat himself down at the piano, then flipped through his notebook to get to the first finished song. There it sat, waiting. Chords were written down at the start of each line for reference's sake, but he knew the right-hand melody- or, as much of a melody as he'd come up with. He hadn't sung through it before, simply read the poetry following the first verse, and panic immediately sank in as he set his fingers on the keys. He glanced briefly at Josh, who was smiling at him, the picture of patience.

He didn't quite know what he'd done to deserve Josh Dun, yet here they were.

And so, Tyler played. His eyes drifted almost completely shut, he was forced to block out the distant sounds of the music store as he plunked out chords and notes, but it flowed naturally through the piano. He sang the words on the page to the tune of the right-hand melody, and it worked. It didn't sound awful, albeit breathy and wavering and terrified, but he was doing it. 

"Can you wash me? Can you drown me?"

And the poem. It was so quick, words he couldn't set to music because they were simply too fast, too much to sing at once. It felt like rap, and he wasn't sure if he liked it.

"Is the blood mine or yours? Don't want to do this anymore."

His eyes started to open further and focused intently on the keys as his fingers pressed them. His mind was lost in the whirlwind of words and emotion, only vaguely hearing the words pouring from his mouth and the music flowing from the piano as his fingers hit keys with more force, more despair, more raw and unabashed urgency that coursed through his veins and propelled him infinitely forward.

"They say the ocean's blue, but it's black right now in the dark, on the sand, looking out at my crowd, depression and drowning singing now the full parts and lightning reveals where the ocean stops and the sky starts."

He could feel it in his throat that he was definitely yelling by now, spitting words onto the empty air between his head and the paper in front of him. He started missing keys playing the melody, waving them desperately in the space and plunking out the chords heavier and heavier to portray how gone he was, and this, the music, was the only thing steadying him out. His eyes burned as they stared at the keys below, words releasing effortlessly into the room as he played and he spoke, such a simple action that broke him and shook him down to his core.

"Random strikes of light remind me of what is true, but right now the ocean's blacker than black, and the sky is, too."

The final chords were softer, echoed by the right-hand keys as his shaking hand slowly drifted back down to earth, down to the piano at his fingertips. He shook all over, raw emotion pounding in his chest and flooding his mind and breaking him down inch by inch. 

One last chord, until it faded into nothing. 

Tyler lifted his hands. 

For a long, deafening moment, the room was silent. He could feel the silence pounding in his ears, and could've gone crazy just from how loud it felt. 

"Tyler?"

Tyler froze up where he sat, eyes still glued unwavering on the piano keys in front of him, wide and nervous. He hadn't meant to get so wrapped up in the words, in the sounds, hadn't realized how much heart and soul he'd poured into the music. 

"Tyler, look at me."

When would he stop saying that?

Slowly and carefully, Tyler turned his head and lifted his gaze to meet Josh's. 

Josh had sat up on his knees and shifted closer to the piano bench, wide eyes fixated on Tyler, mouth parted in awe. "Shit," he muttered with a soft shake of his head. "That was fucking insane. Do you... do you realize how good you are?"

Tyler just blinked and shook his head slowly. 

Apparently, that was the wrong answer because Josh was scooting back to sit cross-legged again, and opening up his arms, a determined look on his still very awestruck face. "C'mere."

Tyler scrambled off the piano bench, then paused warily in front of Josh, who opted to pull Tyler down into his lap and hold him close. "Damn it, Ty, that was amazing. You're a natural, baby."

Natural. It was weird to think about, being good at something other than sports, sports, sports. A natural... at music? "Really?"

Josh stared. "Really." There was a silent pause, but this time around, it didn't hurt. Not with the way Josh was looking at him. "Tyler."

"Yeah?"

A warm hand slid up and cupped his jaw, and Tyler sighed, leaning into the touch. "Damn," Josh whispered, and leaned forward to catch Tyler's lips with his own. "Watching you get so into it," he muttered against Tyler's lips, as Tyler resituated himself to straddle Josh's lap, "was so fucking hot."

"Yeah?" Tyler whispered back breathlessly. It was so easy to get lost in the music, even easier yet to get lost in Josh. He didn't mind what his life had come to very much.

"Yeah," Josh replied softly, and his lips began to wander down the slope of Tyler's neck, softly nipping at the sensitive skin above his collarbones, drinking in his hitched breaths and soft squeaks. "I don't  _ ever _ ," he growled under his breath, sucking a harsh bruise below Tyler's collarbone while his free hand tugged the collar of Tyler's shirt down enough to reach, "want you to think," Tyler whined, his hips rolling against his will as his head fell back at the sensations, "you're anything less," a hand steadied his hips as Josh's tongue smoothed over the bite on his skin, making him shudder, "than  _ fucking perfect _ ."

Tyler had to clap a hand over his mouth to muffle a whimper. "Josh," he gasped out. He watched intently as Josh lifted his head and stared.

"Let's get out of here."

Tyler couldn't have nodded harder if he tried.

~

The space around him was unfamiliar, but there was something soft underneath him and something warm and familiar hovering above him, and he instinctively relaxed. He suddenly felt lips on his neck and sighed.

"Josh?"

The boy above him merely shushed him, then rolled his hips torturously slowly against his own, making him tilt his head back further and moan. "Want you so bad, baby boy," Josh growled in his ear suddenly.

A warm hand slid down his torso, and he suddenly realized that neither of them was wearing anything. Part of him didn't really mind, the part of him that was definitely very focused on how good it felt to be so close to Josh this way. But then the warmth disappeared, and the waves of doubt crashed over him anxiously.

"Josh?"

A low chuckle sounded somewhere around him. "What a sick  _ freak _ you are. Wanting a _guy_ to fuck you so bad."

Tyler woke up.

He stared blearily at the ceiling for several minutes, letting his alarm clock ring before Zack mumbled something intelligible and irritated, forcing him to roll onto his side and shut it off. As soon as the deafening noise turned to silence, he felt it. Nausea that rolled in his stomach. The pounding of his head.

It was just a dream, he tried to tell himself. Just a dream. That didn't happen. Josh would never say that.

But dream Josh was right.

It almost made him laugh, how terrified he'd been of Josh having a crush on him. Now here he was, staring at the ceiling in half awake despair, willing away his crush on the punk boy with the bright blue hair and warm brown eyes and the nose ring.

As soon as the guilty floodgates were opened, he started to think. Usually, thinking kept him grounded and safe, but not this thinking. Not the memories of Josh's hands on his skin, lips on his lips, the butterflies in his stomach when Josh smiled, the breathy groans and obscene looks-

It had all happened so fast, and he wanted to hate it. But it was Josh.  He could never bring himself to hate Josh, hadn't been able to from the very start. And now here they were. 

He gave another glance to his alarm clock and sighed. Of course today it would go off so damn early. No wonder Zack had been so quiet in his dismay.

At first, he tried rolling back over and going back to sleep, but he couldn't get it out. The words. The voices. Cold was setting in his mind, sweeping through and frosting all the warmth left until Tyler felt numb all over. 

He hated this.

With shaking hands, Tyler reached for his phone and typed, blinking tears down his face. 

tyler: help

it took a few minutes, but there was a response.

cute punk: what's wrong? are you okay?

cute punk: do i need to come get you?

tyler: it's 3 AM

cute punk: you're more important than this dumbass essay.

Tyler sighed, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling once more. He wanted Josh. He needed him close. He needed Josh's arms around him, needed him to hold him in that protective and borderline jealous way, like anyone else could sweep Tyler away and he simply couldn't let that happen. 

tyler: what happens if you come get me

There was a pause.

cute punk: we can sit in my truck and talk if you want

cute punk: we could cuddle

cute punk: we could get taco bell

Tyler giggled under his breath at the last option.

tyler: cuddling sounds nice

cute punk: i'm on my way

~

Tyler had only snuck out of his house once.

It was freshman year, and he'd left his journal at the park down the road, but didn't realize it until he went to write on the rooftop after dinner. So, as soon as the house was asleep, he crawled out onto the roof, scaled down the tree next to his house, and darted to the park and back.

Never in all his years did he think he'd sneak out of the house to see a boy. But there he was, climbing down the same tree and shuffling quietly to the gray truck parked along the curb at the end of the road.

When he clambered up into the passenger seat initially, he couldn't find Josh, but he glanced back- and there he was in the back seat, arms open wide and a weary smile on his face. "C'mere," Josh murmured, and Tyler did so gratefully.

He slid over the console legs first and landed less than gracefully in Josh's lap, but then Josh's arms were tightly wrapped around him and he couldn't care less. He simply sighed, nuzzling his face into the crook of Josh's neck and inhaling deeply. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

The contents of his dream crashed down against his icy brain, and he gasped a little at the rough impact. He shook his head softly, and his mind reeled at the movement. What was he doing here? Of all places to run when a boy was flipping his world upside down, he'd run straight into that boy's arms. 

"Tyler?" This time, his voice was much softer, much gentler. Tyler wanted to cry. A warm hand tilted his chin up, and warm eyes bore into his cold ones. "I want you to be honest with me."

A pause. Tyler nodded warily.

"Are you scared of me?"

Tyler just stared. His gut instinct was to shake his head rapidly and say _no, of course not_ , but he didn't. He gave his head a slight shake, but no more. "It's not-" He needed to explain. He needed Josh to understand, had to convey somehow what he was thinking and feeling and fearing, but his throat was closed and none of his thoughts made the slightest amount of sense. 

"Are you scared of us?"

Tyler felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Josh's voice was so calm, so calm and understanding, but so sad. "M'sorry," Tyler mumbled, head falling back into the crook of Josh's neck. He could feel fresh tears spring into his eyes, and cursed himself internally for being so weak. 

"No," Josh argued, and his arms tightened around a very terrified and shaking Tyler. "No, you have nothing to be sorry for, Ty. Absolutely nothing, you hear me? We moved too fast, that's not your fault. I should've known you're new to... that you've never done this before."

Tyler let out a soft cry against his will, immediately burrowing further against Josh's neck and grasping his shirt tightly, holding it like a lifeline. He heard Josh sigh, felt him rub soothing circles against his back with his hand, and Tyler melted into his embrace.

"It's okay," Josh cooed softly, then pressed his lips to the top of Tyler's head. "You're okay, Tyjo. I promise. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, okay? We can just hang out from now on."

"No," Tyler whined and lifted his head to look at Josh despondently, pathetic tears leaking from his eyes. "I... I don't want to, I wanna keep... I just..."

"Hey," Josh whispered, shushing him gently. Both hands lifted to cup Tyler's face gently, thumbs brushing the tears off his cheeks, and he didn't fight it. "It's okay. You're okay, I promise.”

"No I'm not, I'm wrong- I can't... can't, it's wrong... but you... but  _ you _ ..."

Josh shook his head, pressing their foreheads together. "Tyler Joseph, there is nothing wrong with you. Not one fucking thing, okay? Look at me, Ty. You're so beautiful. You're so talented, the way you write... I can _feel_ what you're saying. I feel it. You're so strong, you've been living with the shit you write about for years and you're still going. And you're brave, you've been sneaking around and doing your own thing- don't you see how  _ amazing _ you are?"

Lips pressed firmly together, all Tyler could manage was a slight shake of his head. 

"You're amazing," Josh murmured, looking him directly in the eyes. "You are the single most amazing boy I have ever laid eyes on. I wanted to hang out with you so bad because I saw you, and all I could think about the rest of that day was you. All I've been thinking about for weeks now is you. You blow me away, Tyler, I swear."

"Josh," he croaked out brokenly, squeezing his eyes shut as more tears leaked out.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," he whispered.

“Anytime,” Josh assured him, pulling him back against his chest, fingers carding gently through Tyler’s hair as he cried, but it was okay. It was okay.


	11. sing a song, but don't believe

When Josh drove the two of them to his house on a Tuesday afternoon, there was a small red-haired girl sitting on the steps, arms crossed and a petulant look on her face. Tyler swore she looked familiar, but where could he know her from?

As soon as Josh parked the truck, and she spoke, he guessed it.

"Josh Dun, you owe me coffee from, like, two _weeks_ ago."

Deborah- well, Debby. 

He didn't exactly know her well, but their moms were good friends, and he used to see her at youth group on Wednesday nights until she started hanging out with Josh. He briefly wondered if they'd fallen into the same snare, the inescapable trap that was Josh Dun. He knew they dated- and apparently were still good friends.

As soon as Debby saw him, her eyes lit up, and a soft smile spread across her lips. "Well, well," she teased, sauntering over and shoving Tyler's shoulder lightly. "The teacher's kid sneaking around with a dirty punk like this guy?"

Josh pouted. "Hey!"

"You know it's true," Debby laughed. "Hey, Tyler. Haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah," he agreed. 

Shyness suddenly enveloped Tyler, and he instinctively shuffled toward Josh, who smirked and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 

"C'mon. My mom doesn't get off work for another couple hours, and I want pizza."

With that, the trio headed inside, Tyler immensely grateful for Josh's protective stance, and Debby giggling at the two of them from behind. He could feel her searching stare on his back, and though he knew it wasn't mean, it made him tense.

As soon as the door shut behind them, Josh pulled out his phone and looked between the two of them, giving Tyler's shoulders a gentle squeeze before letting go. "Pepperoni good?"

A chorus of nods ensued.

"I'll order." He gave Debby a sharp, but heat-less, look. "Be nice."

"Always am!"

Josh simply rolled his eyes and meandered into the kitchen. "Make yourselves comfortable, then."

Immediately Tyler walked mechanically over to the couch and sat down, throwing his backpack onto the floor at his feet. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Debby glanced around the room, a wan smile on her face. 

"He talks about you a lot, you know," she spoke suddenly. Tyler lifted his head to look at her, head tilted in confusion, and she laughed. "Does that really surprise you?"

He paused, gaze dropping as the thought washed over him. Did Josh really talk about him to his friends? What did he say? Did his friends like him? Did they laugh at him? They probably thought he was ridiculous, or stealing Josh away-

"Only good things," Debby assured him with a soft laugh. “I can hear you worrying from here.” She shuffled over and sat down next to him, eyes wide and friendly. "He's crazy about you, if you haven't noticed."

Tyler couldn't help but stare as the words left Debby's mouth. "What do you mean?"

At that Debby laughed, and it only worsened Tyler's confusion. She must've realized, because a moment later she was frowning. "You haven't noticed? The way he holds you, or looks at you? I know Josh, and honey, he's head over heels."

The words sent Tyler reeling into uncertainty, eyes darting across the living room, away from the so blissfully unaware girl beside him. Josh liked him. Liked him? Had a crush on him.

"Pizza's on it's way!" he distantly heard Josh call. "Want drinks?"

"Sure thing," Debby called back. She leaned toward him slightly, a sympathetic smile on her face. "Hey, I didn't mean to freak you out. I thought it was obvious."

Tyler just shook his head in the vain attempt to clear his mind. "It's fine," he lied. He needed to calm down. He was terrified. 

He almost jumped when Debby set a hand on his arm, but managed to calm his head enough to meet her gaze. "I don't know how close you've gotten just yet," Debby whispered with a mischievous smirk, "but he loves being called daddy."

"He... what?"

"Debby, you're being nice, right?"

"Of course I am!" she called. She snickered, her voice dropping back to a soft murmur. "He's got a total daddy kink, but you didn't hear it from me."

A daddy kink. What even _was_ that? Did Tyler even want to _know_?

Before he could think of a response, the doorbell rang, and Josh was fast walking down the hall to greet the pizza man and retrieve the most welcome distraction Tyler could think of- food. No talking, just food.

"You should give it a try," Debby teased lightly. He knew she was teasing, was trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension in the room, but he felt heavy all over. Tyler buzzed with nervousness, and without thinking simply stood from the couch and darted upstairs, _rocketing_ into Josh's bathroom and locking the door behind him. 

What was he _doing_?

The last thing he wanted to do was worry Josh, or make Debby feel bad, or ruin the afternoon with his stupid fear of his own head and his own feelings, but there he sat on the bathroom floor, knees drawn to his chest and eyes darting around as his mind roared. 

Cold. He felt cold, icy cold running through his veins and crawling across his skin, leaving nervous goosebumps in its wake. His mind was coated in a harsh blanket of snow, freezing his thoughts, freezing him from the inside out.

"Tyjo?"

Immediately his head snapped to the side, shattering the icy freeze as he stared blankly at the door. The cold remained. "Y... yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you lying?"

Tyler sighed despondently, gaze dropping to the floor. "Let me panic in peace, Josh."

"Tyler."

The snow started to melt away.

"You don't have to let me in," he heard Josh continue. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

Tyler sighed. He could've sworn he saw his breath hovering before him- but he wasn't that crazy, he hoped.

Slowly, Tyler clambered up onto shaky feet and shuffled to the door, unlocking it, then backing away and hiding within himself, shrinking. The door creaked open slowly, and there stood Josh, a worried frown on his beautiful face. 

"Did Debby say something?" Josh asked softly, taking one careful step forward. Tyler's gaze dropped to the floor and stayed glued to it, to the worn blue mat beneath his shoes, and the cool grey tile underneath. He remained silent as Josh stepped closer, until he was able to wrap both arms tightly around Tyler's cold frame and hold him close. Josh was so warm.

"You..." He paused, nuzzling his face into Josh's chest and inhaling deeply. "... you like me?"

A hand carded softly through Tyler's hair, making him sigh. "You know I do."

"No, I mean... I mean, you..."

"I know what you mean, and I know what Debby said. And you know I do."

Tyler shook his head, his arms wrapping around Josh's waist and holding onto him like a lifeline. "But... why?"

Tyler felt the warm hand underneath his chin, and a soft gasp escaped his lips as his head was tilted upward. "What do you mean why?" There was sadness reflecting poignantly in Josh's eyes, boring into him and making his heart drop. "Have you looked at yourself lately? Listened to your voice? Read your writing? God, you're... you're _wonderful_." Josh shook his head lightly, leaning down so their foreheads gently bumped together. “Tyler Joseph, I couldn't have stopped myself from falling for you if I tried.”

He couldn't breathe properly, all his breath had been stolen by the determined look on Josh's troubled face. Without thought, Tyler reached up and grasped the back of Josh's neck, and promptly yanked him down into a hard kiss. 

Unsurprisingly, the kiss startled Josh, who jumped a little at the unexpected movement, but he recovered quickly and kissed back with a vengeance, as if proving a point, and it was working. Tyler felt the warmth that radiated off of Josh as it melted away the ice on his skin and in his veins, replacing it with urgent heat as Josh grasped his hips and pulled him as close as possible. The ice in his mind was slower to defrost, but it lost its weight as Josh lifted him up onto the counter and kissed quickly down his neck. 

"Josh?" Tyler asked breathlessly.

"Yeah?"

"Is Debby still downstairs?"

Josh laughed against his neck, nipping softly at the exposed skin and making Tyler shudder. "Right," he mumbled, but his hands continued to smooth up and down Tyler's sides and his lips continued to wander as they pleased. "I can't help it, you distract me."

"Mmm, sure."

"You do," Josh teased. "Wanna love on you all the time." He ended up kissing up the edge of Tyler's jaw, then whispered into his ear. "You're beautiful, baby boy." 

Tyler sighed, tipping his head back slightly, not even caring- yet- about how he'd manage to cover the hickey Josh started to suck below his ear. "You call me baby boy a lot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I won't if you don't like it."

Tyler shook his head a little, a soft breath releasing into the open air as Josh's teeth scraped the shell of his ear. "I like it," he whispered hoarsely, eyes fluttering shut. "You know, Debby told me something else today."

"Mmm?"

"She said..." Slowly, Tyler's hands crept up Josh's back and pushed him closer, until their hips met and he had to bite his lip hard to contain a whimper of pleasure. "You like it... mmm,  _ Josh _ ."

"Yeah?"

Tyler giggled and lifted his head a little to whisper into Josh's ear. "You like being called... daddy?"

It took a moment for the words to register, for Josh to react, but very suddenly Josh kicked the bathroom door shut and grunted against the flushed skin of Tyler’s neck. “ _Fuck_ , Tyler, you have no idea how hot you sound when you say that.”

Tyler whimpered, his grip on the back of Josh’s shirt tightening. “You mean… when I say  _ daddy _ ?”

A soft groan escaped Josh at that, and Tyler just smirked. He felt like he’d hit the jackpot, all of a sudden realizing just how to make Josh squirm the way he’d been making Tyler squirm for days now. 

Josh lifted his head to look at him, and his usually warm and soft eyes were blazing with fire that made Tyler whine softly. “You can’t just say that,” Josh growled, nearly bruising Tyler’s hips as he yanked him forward and grinded against him desperately, “you can’t just drive me fucking  _ crazy _ like that.”

“You drive me crazy all the time.”

A small smirk broke across Josh’s lips. “Do I?”

“Yeah.”

Josh chuckled, leaning forward to bite Tyler’s ear gently, earning a soft squeak as Tyler’s hips rutted forward instinctively. “Yeah,  _ who _ ?”

A wave of heat rushed over Tyler, half from embarrassment, and half from sheer _want_. “Yeah, daddy,” he whispered, shuddering all over at the feel of hot breath against his ear.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Josh groaned, trailing kisses back down Tyler’s neck. “Debby can fucking wait.” He paused suddenly, head lifting to look at Tyler with concern. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to do anything.”

Tyler could’ve cried at how sweet the very hot and very bothered boy between his legs was, though none of these things were exactly new to him. “Wanna kiss you more,” Tyler mumbled, leaning forward to connect their lips again. 

“I won’t argue with that.” He felt hands grip his thighs and lift him from the counter, and instinctively Tyler wrapped his legs around Josh’s waist, clinging to him like a small child as Josh opened the door connected to his bedroom and hurried him over to the bed. He sat down, Tyler in his lap, and a cheshire grin spread across his face. 

“Where were we?”


	12. it won't change no matter what goes wrong

Tyler’s eyes were drawn to the sky as the truck rolled into the parking lot far too early in the morning. Specks of pink and orange light flickered up from the horizon, out from behind the dark silhouette of trees that blocked the rising sun. The sun rose later and later each day as fall bled into winter, and with it, Tyler found it harder and harder to get himself up and out of bed every morning.   
  
Disgustingly adorable good morning texts from a dumb punk seemed to do the trick, however.    
  
The morning in question had been going smoothly; Josh had picked him up and driven him to school, told him dumb puns and jokes that made his sides hurt from laughing, resulting in hiccups that probably wouldn’t fade for a while, his dad had texted him about extra practices in light of the far too quickly approaching basketball championships…   
  
Oh.   
  
“So,” Josh interrupted his chain of thought, a sort of sleepy smile on his face as Tyler looked over at him. “Plans after school?”   
  
Tyler just frowned. “Extra practice,” he complained, slumping back into the passenger seat as Josh parked the truck. “Championships are in two weeks, I can’t get out of it.”   
  
“Ew,” Josh agreed. He remained silent for a moment, and it started to freak Tyler out. But then a hand slid into Tyler’s, interlacing fingers together and squeezing gently. “Will I see you at lunch, monkey boy?”   
  
At that, Tyler giggled, then consented with a slight nod. “Sure. Yeah.”   
  
Josh looked out the back window suddenly, eyes scanning the parking lot, and it dawned on Tyler just how far back in the nearly empty lot he’d parked. “Tyjo?”   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
Josh turned his head back to look at Tyler with a sheepish smile on his face and leaned forward an inch. “Is this okay?”   
  
For a moment, Tyler felt his heart caught in his throat, blocking his voice. They were at school- well, not quite, but close enough to count. Still, there was no one around, and maybe… so he nodded, a little too fervently.   
  
Slowly, Josh leaned over the console and connected their lips, and immediately Tyler sighed at the contact. There was something cathartic about kissing Josh, something that made his skin tingle with pleasant warmth and made his heart beat frantically out in his chest. It was like suffocating, but the air kept passing in and out of his lungs. 

It was a nice feeling, Tyler decided. And the wonderfully familiar hand that slid up his back to cup the back of his head made him think that he wanted to keep feeling it, over and over again.

~

Life had other plans.

Tyler had been somehow content with life for several weeks, and should’ve known it wouldn’t last. But when the final bell rang that day and the reminder that he wouldn’t be seeing Josh until the next morning sank in, he couldn’t help but feel his heart drop. 

Oh.

He didn’t like this reminder.

But he got up from his English desk just the same, shuffled mutely across the courtyard in the cold direction of the gym just the same. His eyes briefly caught neon blue hair and followed for a moment, until the punk in question saw him and gave him a soft smile and an encouraging wave. He barely returned it, still sinking in the unwelcome feeling of not escaping with Josh.

He had no escape from his fate now, or so it seemed.

So he wandered into the locker room and changed into his gym clothes, just the same. But it wasn’t the same.

The thought that anything could be the same after Josh had waltzed into his life and drastically improved it, then immediately been ripped right back out of it, was laughable. He could feel the ache in his chest to run to that gray truck at the back of the student lot before it rolled away as his tennis shoes squeaked across the linoleum floors of the gym, but he couldn’t. It would probably be too late, anyway.

His parents expected him to play basketball, and so he did.

And he hated every bit of it.

It wasn’t the sport, he dwelled on as he made empty free throws after a too long and too pointless practice, that he hated. He liked the mindless activity- as long as it was just that, a mindless activity. Moving and breathing and exercising long forgotten muscles. But to his family, it was more. Basketball was the lifeblood of the Joseph house, and if he let them down…

Well.

“Good work out there, kiddo,” his dad congratulated him as he finally made his way out of the gym. “Gonna ride home with us today?”

Tyler shook his head. “I actually… have an Honors meeting in a little bit, so I’ll walk home later. I’ll be back for dinner.”

“Alright, I’ll tell your mom. Love you.”

“Love you, dad.”

Tyler listened intently as the locker room door thundered shut, and frantically changed back into his school clothes. He’d been working on new lyrics the other night, played with new chord patterns at the music store, and wanted to match the two together. Maybe, if the tone fit, if it sounded right, he’d play it for Josh.

He missed that dumb punk bastard already.

Backpack slung haphazardly over his shoulder, Tyler rushed across the courtyard as soon as he was out of the gym building doors. He angled his strides toward the math building until his dad was out of sight, then made a direct beeline to the arts building, praying to god that the practice rooms were open, that they were open and free.

Luck wasn’t on his side. There in the doorway of the last practice room down the hall, the one he usually fled to when he had the chance, was the choir teacher… Mr. Flora? 

The teacher in question looked his way as he stopped dead in his tracks at the opposite end of the hall, a look of defeat on his face. “Do you need to use one of these?”

Tyler just stared for half a moment, then started to nod frantically. _What am I_ doing _?_

Mr. Flora unlocked the door, then paused to look at him. “Tyler Joseph, right? Coach’s son?”

He nodded again.

Mr. Flora simply hummed, starting to walk down the hall, a kind look on his face. “I didn’t know you played.”

Tyler started shuffling forward meekly, shrugging his shoulders as he passed the teacher. “He doesn’t, either.”

“Tyler?”

He paused in his tracks, turning to look at Mr. Flora. “Yes?”

“If you need help with anything music related, you just ask, alright? I’m usually here until around 4, so are the other music directors.”

Again, Tyler could only stare. This teacher he didn’t know, just offered a student he’d just met, a _jock_ , help? With music?

“Uh, y-yeah,” Tyler managed to stammer out with a frantic nod. “Yeah. Okay. Thank you.”

Mr. Flora shot him a smile, then turned and walked down the other hall. Tyler felt like he could pass out right there on the floor.

Instead, he hurried down the hall and into the practice room he’d been so eager to sneak into. There sat the familiar piano, the familiar gray-blue carpeting and cream white walls. Familiar. He was so relieved to find the familiar setting he could’ve cried.

Trembling in his hands, Tyler sat down at the piano and started digging through his backpack for his journal, then flipped it open to an untitled song and sat it on the music stand. His eyes scanned over the words once, then twice, and his fingers hovered over the keys. Which keys fit the words? Major or minor? Happy or sad?

Definitely sad. He didn’t write happy songs.

One chord followed another, plunked out sloppily to get a feel for the tone. A familiar chordal pattern glided across the keys, and he sighed in contentment. There it was.

So he began to sing. He vaguely worried about being heard, he wasn’t exactly singing quietly and he wasn’t sure his voice was any good. But it fit. With a few adjustments to the melody here and there, with a few new keys, just a little pause… and there it was. The song. His song. Another song he had written. 

It felt strange, to write a song. It was stranger yet to share the music with Josh, but as soon as he’d gotten a hang of the first few lines, he caught himself snatching his phone out of his backpack and opening up the front facing camera, then setting it to video and hitting play.

“Uh… I don’t know if it’s any good,” he mumbled shyly, eyes dropping to the keys at his fingertips. “But I wrote this a little while ago and I figured since it’s your fault I’m being sneaky and lying to my dad about staying after school, I’d share.”

He smiled a little. Josh would get a kick out of that.

And without warning, he began to sing.

“The young boy wants to move ahead, and the old man sings rewind. I wonder when in this timeline we’ll break to the other side.”

His voice was soft, most likely from the daunting presence of the camera in front of him, falling into his line of vision as he glanced up at the scribbled words in his journal every now and then to make sure he had it right in his head, that it matched up with the words frantically pouring from his mouth. He wondered vaguely what Josh would think, or if he’d like it. Part of him still worried Josh’s reactions weren’t entirely genuine, but the more Josh smiled at him and whispered those achingly genuine words to him when no one else was listening, he was inclined to start believing the dumb punk with the blue hair.

“The point in life must be pretty dark and hopeless, terrifying, and if you’re asking me when that is… it must be tonight.”

The piano turned soft then, along with his voice, as the little snippet of the song he’d actually worked out faded into quiet. His eyes flickered up sheepishly at the camera, and with a nervous bite to his bottom lip he ended the video and sent it to Josh. 

Instead of awaiting Josh’s reaction, Tyler flipped his phone and faced the screen against the music stand, then continued to play through the rest of the song, replicating the melody with new words, but creating new emphasis as he went. He dreamed up new components to the song, thought back to songs he heard on the radio when in the car with Josh, the slow, heavy buildup at the end that he had quickly become obsessed with. He imagined guitar, drums, maybe a bassline…

As if  _ that _ would ever happen.

With one glance at the time- ten minutes to dinner- Tyler started throwing his journal back into his backpack, but the texts flooding his screen were a _tiny_ bit distracting as he rushed off campus.

cute punk: holy shit tyler that’s amazing

cute punk: will you serenade me forever

cute punk: you’re so shy it’s fucking adorable baby boy

cute punk: have fun making sweet music u rebel

Tyler just grinned. Taking Josh’s questionable and rebellious advice was, as it happened, completely worth it.


	13. soaked through, through my bones and all i own

tyler: you make me blush, nerd

cute punk: oh I’M the nerd huh?

tyler: literally shut up

tyler: what’s up 

cute punk: doing homework. would rather be doing u

tyler: what a gentleman

cute punk: i do my best

tyler: are u sure

cute punk: what are you up to baby

tyler: studying

cute punk: gross

Tyler sighed, flopping back onto his bed despondently. It was day number two without hanging out for far too long with Josh- only  _ day two _ , and he was already losing his mind. He’d almost forgotten how much his parents really drove him insane since Josh had swept him away and offered him a breath of fresh air. But here he was, trapped in the Joseph household until championships were over.

It was going to be a long two weeks.

_ Buzz _ .

cute punk: you know what would be better?

tyler: besides most things?

cute punk: if i snuck into your room to make out

Well. There was that.

tyler: fair point

cute punk: i’d pin you down and start grinding on you. you love that don’t you?

Well, shit. 

tyler: shut up

cute punk: wanna bite your neck and make you moan, i miss you so bad, baby boy

Tyler clapped a hand over his mouth as he let out a telltale breath, eyes darting over to the bedroom door. It was closed, so he’d know when Zack came up for bed, he’d hear the creak of the hinges, and was thankful for at least that security.

Of course he wouldn’t be lucky enough for Josh to fucking quit and not work him up when he knew full well that there was nothing Tyler could do about it, not when his brother would be up for bed any minute and Josh knew he made too much noise-

tyler: oh my god stop it

cute punk: come on, you love it when i talk dirty

tyler: not when you’re too far away to fix this i don’t

Immediately Tyler rolled onto his side, hand sliding over his face in sheer embarrassment. He couldn’t believe the shit Josh put him through.

cute punk: tyler joseph, are you getting hard thinking about me?

Tyler buried his face into his pillow for the sole purpose of blushing bright red and groaning in utter frustration.

tyler: stop it i’m serious

cute punk: i can’t help how bad i wanna kiss you all over, jerk you off and make you scream

He was fucked.

Without thinking, Tyler slid a hand down and pressed it ever so slightly to the tent forming in his jeans. Big mistake, because the next moment he was choking back a frustrated whimper, and instead he fumbled to type a furious response.

tyler: josh i swear 

cute punk: wanna hear you moan my name all high and pretty

tyler: i’m gonna block your number

cute punk: no you won’t

tyler: no but i really want to

A creak across the hall. Tyler nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound, but thankfully it wasn’t Zack. Not yet. His palm flattened against his  _ definitely _ hard cock through his jeans, and he hissed, biting his lip hard in embarrassment. He’d only gotten himself off once in the shower, and he’d felt a strange sense of guilt the entire day afterwards. Yet here he was, desperate for  _ anything _ just over a few words on a screen.

cute punk: wanna suck your cock, ty, wanna make you beg me for more

A squeak escaped his throat at the image that blazed in his mind. He couldn’t take this.

tyler: josh please

cute punk: are you touching yourself?

He paused.

tyler: kinda

cute punk: if you go into the bathroom and turn the shower on they won’t hear you

Tyler briefly considered. If anyone in the house asked, it would save him time in the morning to shower at night. 

cute punk: i’ll call you and help you out if you want, baby

Fuck.

Without thinking, Tyler rolled out of bed and pocketed his phone, then scrambled out of the room and down to the bathroom, the blessedly empty bathroom. He locked it behind himself, nearly tripped over his own feet as he stumbled down to turn on the shower, immediately unzipping his jeans and kicking them off, settling to palm himself through his boxers with slight uncertainty.

tyler: i’m in the bathroom

Incoming Call: cute punk

Immediately Tyler accepted the call, his voice a weak whisper as he lifted the speaker to his ear. “Josh,” he croaked out.

“It’s okay, baby boy,” he heard Josh’s voice murmur, and he gripped his phone tighter, held it closer to hear him over the shower. “Are you touching yourself?”

Slowly, Tyler slid down his boxers and let them pool at his feet, then wrapped his free hand around his cock, a sharp breath escaping him at the contact. “Yeah.”

“Start out slow, stroke yourself nice and easy for me.” He complied without hesitation, whimpering under his breath at the delicious friction. “Fuck, yeah, that’s it. Sound so pretty for me. If I were there, I’d get down and suck you off myself. I’ll blow you next time you come over, baby, show you how good I can make you feel.” 

Tyler had to press his lips firmly together to keep from moaning out loud, instead a slow, quiet whine escaping his lips. “You’d like that, huh? Can’t wait to have my hands on you again. The things I wanna do to you. Stroke yourself a little faster for me, baby boy, you’re doing so good. Doing so good for me.”

“Josh,” he choked out, barely a broken whimper.

"You love being good for me, don't you?"

"Josh, _oh_."  His head was swimming with words and images, thoughts of Josh absolutely everywhere, taking over his senses, filling up all the cold, empty space inside of him with warmth, melting the frost in his veins and making his blood boil with want. “ _ Please _ .”

“Yeah, that’s it,” Josh’s voice encouraged distantly. He could feel the heat coiling in the pit of his stomach and had to duck his mouth against his shoulder to muffle another whine. “Getting close, baby boy?”

“God, yeah.”

“Come for me,” Josh ordered, and fuck, he did. His back hit the wall as his knees gave out, a muffled cry releasing against his shoulder as he let go over his fist. “Oh, fuck, that’s it. God, you sound amazing.”

It took him several moments of heavy breathing and intense focusing on the rough pants on the other end of the line, paired with the thundering water of the shower, all still slightly muffled by the dull warmth that enveloped his body. “Are you touching yourself?”

He heard Josh groan, and it made him smile. “Yeah. You got me all worked up, babe.”

“You sound so good, daddy,” he tried, his voice cracking into a whisper.

“Oh- f _ uck _ , baby, you drive me fucking crazy, you know that?”

Tyler giggled, fucking  _ giggled _ . “Wanna hear you when you come, daddy. Wanna hear you.”

“Oh my god-” His voice was broken off with a shameless, slightly muffled moan. “Oh fuck, Ty _ ler _ -”

With a dopey grin on his face, Tyler slid down the wall and sat on the floor, listening in mute awe to the downright pornographic sounds Josh made on the other end of the line. He was rightfully proud of himself for working Josh up so much, and mentally patted himself on the back for it. Served him right. 

“God,” Josh muttered, his voice hoarse and completely wrecked. “I fucking love hearing you say that.”

Tyler let out a quiet laugh. “Gotta shower. I’m all gross now.”

“Feel better, though?”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

His eyes drifted shut, a contented smile on his face. “Me neither.”

~

Tyler was on his way home from basketball practice when he got the text.

He’d finally accepted his dad’s offer for a ride home, much to Zack’s relief- that was, until Tyler snagged the shotgun seat- and things seemed okay. His dad was chatting amiably about practice, Josh was texting him disgusting pick up lines, everything was just… nice. Easy. 

And then his phone buzzed again.

debby: so ashley thinks operation-fuck-the-good-kid is still on

Tyler could only stare.

So Debby still had his number. He could vaguely recall texting her about youth group events, but nothing more. Who was Ashley? Who was the good kid?

... Was it  _ him _ ?

A wave of nausea rolled through his stomach.  _ Oh _ .

tyler: what?

debby: oh shit

debby: you weren’t supposed to see that

_ Oh _ .

debby: I promise this isn’t what it sounds like

Tyler was going to be sick. 


	14. i don't know if i wrote this song in vain

Tyler shoved his phone into his backpack very suddenly. He didn’t want to hear it. He felt sick, felt the roaring waves of remorse and I-told-you-so’s coursing through his veins. 

All this time, he’d been right to question Josh’s motives. 

_ Josh _ .

Tyler ignored Zack save for a short shake of his head in response to a barely registered question about shooting hoops as soon as the car parked in the garage. He bolted straight inside, claiming he had a lot of homework to do to his parents, and sprinted up the steps into his room, shutting the door a little too hard behind him. He needed to be alone.

At this point he wasn’t sure if he was going to throw up or cry or both. Anger and betrayal swam through his head viciously, poisoned his every good thought and memory of the past months, all the music, god, the  _ music _ . 

Without thinking, Tyler snatched his journal and a pen out of his backpack, still blatantly ignoring his buzzing phone, and opened it up to a blank page. He let the mournful words pour out onto the page, let his grief spill freely through the ink. 

_ “Won't  you come around and prove me wrong? ” _

His head was ringing, and so was his phone.

Gut twisting with self-loathing, Tyler reached into his backpack and grasped his phone, immediately pacing up and down the space between the two beds as his eyes scanned the continually blinking screen.

cute punk: tyler please let me explain

cute punk: i know it sounds so bad but please

cute punk: i know you’re mad and you have every right to be, but please hear me out

cute punk: shit tyler you’re scaring me are you okay?

cute punk: i’m so sorry ty. i’m so fucking sorry.

Missed Call (2): cute punk

With shaking fingers, Tyler unlocked his phone and hit “call back.”

It took half a ring for the line to pick up.

“Tyler, are you okay?”

He didn’t respond.

He heard Josh sigh. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve… you shouldn’t have found out like this. I should’ve told you.”

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed shortly.

“... Tyler?”

He remained silent.

“... I, uh… if you’ll let me, I wanna explain… cause it’s not, I mean, it sounds bad… I’m parked down the street.”

Oh.

“You don’t have to come out and… I can, y’know, explain over… I just wanted to make sure you’re… you’re okay.”

Tyler paused to think. Right now, he was incredibly wary of trusting Josh’s word. Half of him was heartbroken and betrayed, the other half was desperate for Josh to prove him wrong

_ Tell me, what should I do? _

In the end, he sighed. “Give me five minutes,” he grumbled softly into the receiver, already reaching for his backpack. “This better be worth it.”

“Thank you. Thank you, I promise, I… thank you.”

Tyler hung up and pocketed his phone. Hoped to god he wouldn’t regret lying to his parents again for this boy. Slung his backpack strap over one shoulder, and headed out the bedroom door.

“Hey, mom?”

“Mmhmm?”

“I almost forgot, I have a biology project to work on tonight,” he lied nonchalantly, glancing at his phone for the time. 3:04. “It won’t take long, it isn’t due until Friday, but my partner and I wanna start working on it over at his house, if that’s okay?”

His mom shot him a small smile and nodded, then quickly turned back to the sink, stirring something Tyler couldn’t see as she spoke. “Of course,” she replied. “Be home in time for hoops and supper, okay?”

“Okay, thanks, mom.”

With a grimace, Tyler bolted out the door.

The first thing he saw was Zack pausing his hoops to stare down the street with a frown. The second thing he saw was the thing Zack was frowning at- a familiar gray truck parked right along the curb at the end of their street.

“So, you’ve been hanging around that punk a lot.”

Tyler sighed, simply brushing past Zack. “Save it, mom.”

“Since when are you even friends with punks?”

Tyler shrugged, giving Zack one last glance before he braced himself for a hopefully good answer from the punk in question. “Since some punk wanted me to be his friend.”

_ At least, I thought he did. _

With that, he turned back to the gray truck down the road. He could see Josh fidgeting nervously in the driver’s seat, and caught the instant that Josh spotted him, caught the gleam of pure hope that flickered in his eyes and the small, pleading smile on his lips. 

Tyler didn’t greet him, simply clambered up into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut behind him, staring out the windshield. “Told my mom I had a project to work on,” he mumbled. “Talk.”

Josh just nodded, eyes averting to the street in front of them, and started talking. 

“When you fell off the wall that day, I only kind of knew who you were. I knew your name, I knew you were the teacher’s kid, but that was really it. Ashley… she’s something else. She told me what a good Christian boy you were, how fun it would be if I… tainted you.”

Tyler winced.

“At first, I only talked to you cause your innocence was cute. You were this adorably naive blushing boy I came across in the courtyard sometimes, and I was hooked. Ashley was the one who told me you did Saturday tutoring. Said I should try and get into your pants. And, honestly… I wanted to.” He paused, glancing briefly Tyler’s way. “I wanted you from the start. And the more I got to know you, the more I wanted you, just in different ways.”

Tyler frowned, still staring out the window with a burning intensity. “What do you mean?”

Josh paused, glancing down at the steering wheel. “I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to hear what you had to say, hear your music. I wanted to know everything about you. I wanted… I  _ want… _ ” He shook his head, an exasperated sigh parting his lips in frustration. “I want to hold your hand and take you on stupid, cheesy dates, and call you mine. Tyler, I forgot Ashley’s stupid plan after day one. I don’t want just another fuck, I want…” 

Tyler felt burning brown eyes on the side of his face, boring into him so intensely that he felt like he could melt into the seat right there, head swimming with confusion and delight and something he either couldn’t place or didn’t want to. 

“Damn it, I just want  _ you _ .”

He felt the breath as soon as it escaped his lungs, gasping like it had been kicked out of him. He couldn’t think, his head was filled completely with Josh’s words, and he couldn’t fucking think.

Josh  _ wanted _ him.

He heard the squeak of the seats and the rustling of fabric as Josh shifted around. “Do you want to come over?”

Slowly, Tyler turned his head to meet Josh’s gaze. There was an intensity in his stare that made him feel weak, and it would be a miracle if he made it into the house.

“Sure.” The smile that spread across Josh’s face made his heart race, and he sighed as Josh revved the engine. “Josh?”

Josh paused, looking back at him with wide, grateful eyes. “Yeah?”

For a moment Tyler watched him carefully, taking in every aspect of his expression for a hint of untruth, but he found none. He giggled, and his gaze darted down to lock on his backpack in his lap sheepishly. “You said next time I came over, you would…” He trailed off, a hot blush creeping up his neck and flushing his face. 

How he even _thought_ of the promise under the emotional duress he’d been through that afternoon was  _ beyond _ him. He was a little pissed at himself for it.

“Yeah.” The word came out low and husky, and when Tyler looked up, Josh was much closer, hovering over the console between them with a dark look in his eyes. “If you want me to.”

Tyler bit his lip hard, but ended up nodding.  _ What the heck is wrong with me and why is this stupid punk so hot I swear I’m a good person I’ve been to church I don’t deserve this _ -

A sly grin worked its way across Josh’s face at that. “Let’s get inside, then, yeah?”

Tyler couldn’t help but shudder as he watched Josh slide out  of his seat and land on the ground, then fix his eyes steadily on Tyler as he scrambled out of the car. How he could go so quickly from anger and hopelessness to sheer desire for the boy guiding him into his house, he wasn’t sure. He settled on blaming it on being a horny teenager.

That, and he simply couldn’t keep his hands off Josh Dun if he tried.

~

It was pleasantly familiar to step into Josh’s house and be led down the short entryway down to the stairs. He could hear Mrs. Dun shuffling around in the living room, the low hum of the microwave in the kitchen, and sighed. Familiar.

Then he felt a warm hand slip into his, felt fingers interlace slowly with his own and grip his hand gently, and jumped. His eyes snapped up to meet Josh’s gaze.

Josh’s eyes were burning, smoldering with heated fire behind the familiar warm brown. Tyler felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. He would never get over how much Josh seemed to want him.

Really,  _ anyone _ wanting him was a shock. But Josh? It was a damn miracle.

Tyler followed close behind Josh as they rushed upstairs, barely heard past his thundering heartbeat as Josh called to his mom and informed her that they were going to hang out for a while, and didn’t miss a beat as Josh hurried him into his room and pinned him against the door as soon as it shut behind them.

Josh leaned in close, their foreheads resting lightly together. He watched the fire in his eyes dim slightly. “We don’t have to do anything,” Josh reminded him softly, but there was a husky tone to his voice that made Tyler shiver. “If you’re still mad at me, if you don't want-”

“Josh.”

“... Yeah?”

Tyler swallowed hard, then lifted a hand to cup the back of Josh’s neck, bringing him closer. “You want me.” It was barely a question.

He watched the fire surge behind Josh’s eyes once more, watched as his gaze darkened intensely. “God, yeah,” he breathed out. 

“Yeah?” In a split second of confidence, Tyler spread his legs subtly, hitching one leg around Josh’s and bringing him closer, his voice breaking down to a needy whisper. “Prove it.”

“Fuck,” Josh gasped out, then immediately grasped Tyler’s hips and yanked him forward, ducking his head and kissing him roughly. Tyler immediately melted into it, releasing a soft moan into Josh’s mouth as they stumbled across the room to the bed, where Josh paused to draw out the kiss for several moments. “God, I missed you,” Josh growled against his lips, and he keened, arching his body toward Josh. “Missed your pretty sounds. Missed how good you feel.”

Hands snaked their way under Tyler’s shirt, felt up his back and down his torso, sent shivers down his spine and blood straight to his cock. “I missed your voice, too,” Josh continued in a gravelly whisper. “Missed your laugh.” His hands reached the hem of his shirt and pulled upward quickly, making Tyler back up from the kiss and shrug out of his shirt quickly, watching it fall to the floor. “Missed your smile.”

“Josh,” he whimpered, suddenly tilting his head down, heat spreading over his cheeks. Immediately hands slid up to cup his jaw, and Tyler was pulled into another kiss. 

It was slower, deeper. It made Tyler’s head swim and his heart overflow with warmth and peace and good,  _ good _ feelings. He wanted more. More warmth, more happiness. More Josh.

“You sure this is okay?” Josh murmured as his head ducked into the crook of Tyler’s neck, lips leaving a hot trail of kisses down to his collarbone. 

He nodded frantically, gripping Josh’s hips and hauling him closer, until their hips clashed together and he let out a slow, high-pitched whine. “ _ Josh _ .”

“Yeah?” he heard Josh tease against his skin, and he whined again. “I’ve got you, baby boy,” Josh assured him, then pushed his shoulders gently and watched as Tyler fell back onto the bed, then shifted around so his head hit the pillows, a pouting, squirming mess on the sheets. “Fuck, you look so good.”

“You think so?” Tyler tried, legs spreading and teeth digging into his bottom lip. 

Josh surged forward, leaped onto the bed like a predator stalking his prey, diving for the kill, and hovered over Tyler with a low growl. “Tell me what you want,” he demanded, sliding a hand down to palm Tyler through his jeans. Tyler threw his head back and moaned into the pillow, hips lifting into Josh’s touch. “Hmm, baby? Do you want me to touch you?”

Tyler nodded a little too enthusiastically. 

He watched as Josh scaled back on the bed, fiery eyes still glued on his as he played with the zipper of Tyler’s jeans, making him whimper frantically. “I want you to beg for it,” Josh muttered, pressing his lips to the tent in Tyler’s jeans momentarily. “Want me to suck you off, baby boy? Wanna fuck my mouth?” Tyler slapped a hand over his mouth and groaned. “Yeah?” he heard Josh chuckle. “God, you’re so gorgeous.”

The same happy warmth spread through Tyler’s stomach, a low, fluttering feeling alongside the panicked want that made his head swim with thoughts of Josh. It was forced aside quickly, however, because then Josh was pulling his pants and boxers down, and there, right in front of his eyes, Josh was licking a wet stripe up the side of Tyler’s cock.

Immediately Tyler’s head ducked back, a choked moan catching in his throat, both from the sight and the feel, the blissful contact he’d been craving. “Please,” he begged in a whisper, for what he still wasn’t sure. “ _ Josh _ .”

“You like that, baby?” Josh teased. He felt the tip of Josh’s tongue circle the head of his cock and nodded frantically, hips lifting slightly, causing a wave of heat to roll through his body as Josh sucked ever so lightly, just the tip of his cock, but it was enough to send him reeling and moaning. “So pretty for me. Such a good boy.”

Without warning, Josh took more of his cock into his mouth than he thought possible, and sucked. Tyler’s head spun wildly, mind buzzing with pleasure, shaking him up and down until all he could feel was Josh’s mouth around his cock, the wet warmth of his tongue, all he could see were Josh’s blazing eyes as they stared him down. How he could look at him so predatorily with a goddamn dick in his mouth was beyond Tyler, but there he was. 

“ _ Josh _ ,” he mewled out brokenly. The only coherent thoughts he could grasp were “Josh,” “please,” and “fuck,” so he went with it. “Josh,  _ yespleaseyes- _ ”

A hand settled lightly on his hip, thumb rubbing gentle circles into overheated skin, and promptly sunk down further on Tyler’s cock. Tyler felt the air leave his lungs in the form of some strangled whine, and another slur of, “Josh, oh  _ Josh _ , s’good- fuck, s’good- Josh _ - _ ”

He watched with wide, distressed eyes as Josh pulled off his cock suddenly, instead jacking him with his hand, and a choked cry escaped his lips at the friction. “You like that, yeah?” he rasped out, thumb massaging his slit gently. Tyler couldn’t have nodded harder if he tried. “You sound so pretty when you're desperate, baby boy.”

“Please,” Tyler croaked, hips lifting into Josh’s grasp, head lolling to the side as the heat in his stomach rolled incessantly. “Oh,  _ fuck- _ please, I need- more, _Josh_ _ - _ ”

 

Instantly, Josh went back down on his cock, licking around him and sucking him like he owned it, quickly pumping what wasn’t in his mouth. Tyler had to clap a hand back over his mouth to contain his frantic moans, and reached down to grip Josh’s shoulder tightly, rocking his hips upward. He felt Josh groan around his cock and that was  _ it _ , he couldn’t  _ take _ it.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Tyler whispered, jaw going completely slack as the coiling heat became unbearable. “M’gonna- daddy, m’gonna come- god,  _ fuck _ -”

Josh pulled off his cock again, this time kissing his way up Tyler’s torso while he rocked his cock in his hand, pumping him wildly until he hovered over Tyler again, panting hard and grunting over him. “Come for daddy,” he growled out, and Tyler threw his head back and came.

He felt a quiet sob leave his throat as Josh worked him through it, felt his entire body shake from the force of the orgasm. He heard Josh’s soft, distant voice against his ear, praising him quietly, kissing every inch of his neck and face until his breathing evened out, and he relaxed into the bed. 

For a moment they were both quiet, but it wasn’t long before Josh was sitting back and mumbling about getting tissues.

“You’re way too good at that,” Tyler muttered, head lolling over to watch as Josh ducked into the bathroom, then returned with a box of Kleenex. “Gotta call you daddy more often.”

Josh let out a relaxed chuckle, but Tyler hadn’t missed the tent in Josh’s pants that had to be incredibly uncomfortable. So when he’d been cleaned up, pants pulled on, and cuddling activated, Tyler couldn’t help but look up at Josh with the most innocent eyes he could muster.

“Josh?”

“Mmm?”

Without thinking, Tyler placed his hand over the bulge in Josh’s jeans. He heard the hitched breath it caused, and smiled. “Is this okay?”

He watched intently as Josh stared, eyes wide and burning again, burning with that beautiful fire. “God, yeah,” he mumbled. “Only if you want to. You don’t  _ hhhhhhfuck _ …”

“Wanna,” Tyler assured him as he palmed Josh through his jeans, a soft smirk on his lips. He sat up a little, tugging at Josh’s shirt. “Off.”

At that Josh laughed, but complied, sitting up and tugging his shirt off, then tossed it to the floor. Tyler just looked for a moment, hand sliding down Josh’s torso, over toned muscle and the slight pudge of his stomach. He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him. 

“You’re beautiful,” Tyler muttered, eyes darting up to meet Josh’s. Warm, glowing brown. The fluttery feeling returned. 

His hand slipped lower, palming experimentally through Josh’s jeans and smirking a little at the grunt it earned. But he complied and pulled the zipper down, training his gaze on the sheets as he tugged Josh’s jeans down to his knees, and his boxers with it. Josh was fully hard and flushed, curving upward toward his stomach, and the sight was a little hotter than he expected. But he went with it.

Suddenly Josh was sitting up again, cupping Tyler’s jaw with one hand. “You don’t have to.”

“Wanna,” Tyler insisted, pausing a moment to really look at him, to soak up the concern on his face, and leaned forward to peck his lips lightly. 

Slowly, Tyler lifted his hand and licked the palm- spit, he’d learned, was a fine lubricant- gaze locked on Josh’s heated one. He didn’t miss the predatory flash in his eyes, merely bit his lip to contain a smile at it, then wrapped his hand around Josh’s cock and began rocking it slowly. 

A low groan escaped Josh’s throat, and he tilted his head back, teeth gnawing at his lips to contain his sounds. His neck was there to kiss, so Tyler leaned forward and pressed his lips to the skin there, nipping softly at his jaw. Josh let out a little sigh at that, and he liked the sound, so he did it again. 

“Tyler,” Josh whispered, head tilting back down to look at him with wide, lust blown eyes. Tyler just giggled, picking up the pace of his hand just a little. “So good for me, such a good boy.”

“Yeah, daddy?” he murmured. Immediately Josh pulled him over, situated him to straddle his legs, and dove in to kiss him hard. Tyler responded eagerly, his free hand curling in Josh’s bright hair, mouth parting with a contented noise. His thumb brushed over the head of Josh’s cock, and his hips bucked, so he decided to do it again.

“Fuck,” Josh moaned against his lips. “Ty, you’re…  _ fuck _ \- so fucking good for me.”

“I wanna hear you, daddy,” Tyler started to ramble, picking up the pace of his hand. His voice shook, but he powered through it, driven by the deliriously  _ obscene _ look on Josh’s face. “Come for me, daddy, come for your baby boy.”

“ _ God _ ,” Josh gasped out. His hips started to rock up in time with Tyler’s hand, and Tyler could’ve gotten so hard off the sight alone if he hadn’t just had the life sucked out of him. “Fuck, m’gonna… Ty, m’gonna… oh,  _ shitshitshit- _ ” 

It was all the warning he got before Josh was coming in spurts over his hand and onto his own stomach, ducking his head into the side of Tyler’s neck and moaning against his skin. He let out a long breath at the sound. Everything about this boy was so obscene. 

It took a few moments, but as soon as Josh’s breathing calmed, he lifted his head and looked Tyler in the eyes. His lips were swollen, eyes wide and sleepy, he was smiling to the point of dimples at his cheeks and crinkles around his eyes. His hair was an absolute wreck- and he’d never looked so beautiful. “God, Ty,” he croaked out, then leaned forward to capture his lips in a long, lazy kiss.

“I missed you, too,” Tyler murmured, reaching over for the tissue box on Josh’s bedside table. He started to clean up, until Josh snatched the tissues away, warm eyes boring into him with a glow he couldn’t place.

“I really am sorry,” Josh whispered. His eyes dropped to the bed sheets as he crumpled up the dirty tissues and tossed them in the general direction of the trash, then averted to the wall when he laid back down, opening his arms up. “God, I should’ve just told you. But I didn’t know how. I didn’t… want to make you think, you know, that it meant nothing.”

Tyler didn’t speak, just laid down and snuggled into Josh’s side, eyes drifting shut. “I believe you.”

“Thank you,” Josh sighed. Tyler felt the gentle pressure of lips on the top of his head, and a glowy warmth filled him, spread from his hair through his skin and down to his toes. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yeah huh,” Tyler mumbled, a small smile forming on his lips at Josh’s chuckle. 

“Nuh uh.”

Tyler shook his head, nuzzling up against Josh’s chest. “You do, too.” He slid his hand up Josh’s bare torso, feeling the warm skin under the pads of his fingers and relishing in how close they were. He thought things couldn’t get more intimate than literally jerking each other off, but laying in Josh’s arms, every inch of them pressed firmly together, he thought different. “You care about me.”

“Of course I do,” Josh replied. A warm hand cupped Tyler’s cheek and tilted his head up, gently forcing their gazes to meet. “So much, Tyler. You mean so much to me.”

Tyler smiled, and titled his head to press a fleeting kiss to the palm of Josh’s hand. “I care about you, too,” he murmured into Josh’s skin. “A lot.” The awestruck look on Josh’s face filled Tyler’s heart and chest and stomach and soul with butterflies and warmth. 

He’d never felt so safe in his life. 


	15. a song is not much time to show how beautiful you are

A soft tap pulled Tyler out of his surprisingly pleasant sleep. He moved to roll over and ignore it, but it repeated. He distinguished it to be coming from the window on his left and frowned sleepily as he shifted around, pulling the blankets up to his shoulders to shield himself from the cold morning air, looking out the window only to find a boy with bright blue hair and wide, hopeful eyes staring up at him. 

Tyler simply rolled his eyes and flopped back onto the bed, groaning under his breath. Of course Josh Dun would show up at his house at… whatever time it was.

He rolled onto his side and grabbed his phone- it was 5:10 AM.

tyler: what the hell

cute punk: do you trust me?

Oh, this was not going to end well.

tyler: i literally just woke up and you’re already freaking me out.

cute punk: cmon tylerrrrr we’re gonna miss it

tyler: miss what?

cute punk: you’ll see 

tyler: joshua dun i swear to god

cute punk: pleeeeeaaaase

tyler: i hate you

With a soft grumble, Tyler slid out of bed and ambled over to his dresser. He kept a careful eye on Zack’s sleeping form as he slipped on jeans and a t-shirt, a pair of sneakers, and grabbed his phone to pocket it, then clambered onto his bed and opened the window as slowly as possible. He’d done it before, but this close to the time his parents would wake up? 

“This better be good,” he grumbled under his breath as he swung his legs over the windowsill, leaving it a crack shut before he scaled down the side of the roof and grasped the limbs of the tree oustretched to his side. He swung down the tree limb like it was a row of monkey bars, finally reaching a lower limb and hooking his knees around it, then just sat there for a moment to give Josh a look. 

“Hey.”

Tyler rolled his eyes. “Hey.” He paused, hopping off the tree limb and landing a few feet from Josh. “This better be worth it,” he mumbled. 

“It will be,” Josh promised, a grin spreading across his lips, and suddenly Tyler couldn’t find it within himself to stay mad. “I wanna show you something.”

“What do you wanna show me?”

Josh just winked, then grabbed his hand and started to rush him in the direction of his truck parked at the end of the road. 

“Are you kidding?” Tyler complained, but followed close behind nonetheless. Honestly, Josh could ask him to go on a road trip to the moon and he would probably say yes at this point. 

“Nope,” Josh laughed quietly, only letting go of Tyler’s hand as he circled around the truck and hopped into the driver’s seat. Tyler shook his head and clambered up the passenger side.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but you love it.”

“No, I don’t.” He totally did.

He felt Josh’s warm hand slip back into his as the truck started, and then they were rolling off. The traces of morning light were hovering around the horizon, just a dull glow of soft pink against the dark blue night sky. Tyler sighed at the sight, leaning his head back as he watched. He loved the different colors of the sky, the bright hues of sunset and the pastel light of sunrise, the black and blue darkness of night and the soft blue daylight sky. 

But then his eyes traveled to his left, and another blue struck him, making him sigh. Bright, neon blue, slightly teal-ish as it faded over the weeks. Familiar blue, soft to the touch, and very fun to tug. Brown eyes caught his gaze, and he dropped his eyes immediately, a pale pink blush spreading across his cheeks.

“You alright?”

Tyler giggled, ducking his head and leaning it against the seat behind him. “M’fine,” he mumbled, holding Josh’s hand close out of instinct. “Tired.”

“We’ll be there in just a minute,” Josh promised in a chuckle. 

Tyler peeked up at him through his lashes, head cocked to the side like a puppy. “You’re really not gonna tell me.”

Josh laughed. “Nope.”

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.” And he didn’t.

Within a few minutes, they were rolling into a familiar parking lot. Tyler peeked out the windshield as rolling green fenced in by wilting trees came into view, and he sighed.  _ This boy _ .

Josh sent him a bright smile and squeezed his hand before letting go and shutting off the truck. “C’mon,” he mumbled, but his eyes betrayed his excitement. “I have something I wanna show you.”

Tyler just nodded obediently, too sleepy at this point to protest any longer. He stumbled out of the truck and shuffled directly to Josh’s side, humming gratefully when an arm was wrapped around his shoulders. They ambled along the empty stretch of the parking lot, Tyler’s eyes floating absently over the fields of green, the rippling blue and black waters of the lake, disturbed only by the man-made fountain that poured into it like a waterfall. It was all familiar- except the direction Josh was guiding him. 

He’d spent many summers in the park playing with his siblings, but had never gone past the fountain by the lake. There was a little bridge over the fountain just before it rolled over the rocks and poured into the lake, so it wasn’t off limits, he simply supposed he just hadn’t felt the urge to explore it. But now as Josh led him along, across the wooden bridge and onto a wide sidewalk, his curiosity was sparked. 

There, just beyond the bridge, was a wide circular platform. It was just a few inches off the ground, wooden and painted over in white, just a lone stage in his childhood park.

“They play live music here sometimes,” Josh informed him, darting ahead a little to jump onto the stage and gesture widely, earning another giggle from Tyler. “Someday, they’re gonna haul a piano onto this stage.”

“Josh.”

“And you’re gonna play us all some songs.”

“ _ Josh _ !”

“And you’re gonna blow us all away,” he concluded grandly, before stepping off the stage and collecting Tyler into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “There’s more.”

“Naturally.”

Josh laughed, a light, happy sound. “C’mere,” he whispered, backing up to sit on the stage cross legged. Tyler followed suit, but ended up curling up into a ball beside Josh and resting his head in the cute punk boy’s lap.

And then, he saw it. 

Pale yellow crept up into the sky lazily, stretching long rays of warm light across the sky and tinting it gorgeous pinks and oranges. The sun rose steadily above the horizon, just barely peeking out now, and it took his breath away. 

“Wow,” Tyler murmured.

“Yeah.” Josh paused, starting to stroke Tyler’s hair gently, fingers raking through and making Tyler sigh contentedly. “I like to come up here and watch the sunrise some mornings. It’s a reminder.”

“Of what?”

“Like... starting over. It's a reset."

"Hope,” Tyler whispered, leaning into Josh’s caress. “You can try again every day.”

“Yeah.”

A comfortable silence settled over them, like a blanket of warmth. Tyler could feel the strange warm and fluttery sensation in his stomach again, but this time he relished in the feeling. He had an idea of what it was, despite his unwillingness to admit to it. It was there.

“Tyler?”

“Mmm?” Josh didn’t reply. Slowly, Tyler rolled onto his back, blinking up at Josh intently. “Josh?”

Josh smiled softly, fingers brushing lightly over Tyler’s forehead before raking through his hair again softly. “I don’t wanna freak you out.”

“That’s a promising starter.”

“I’m serious,” Josh laughed, but it died down quickly. “I don’t wanna move too fast and scare you off.”

Tyler sat up a little, shifting around until he faced Josh. “You won’t.”

“Are you sure?”

Tyler nodded. “You know, you would think that between all the shit we get up to and the fact that I literally got up at _five AM_ to hang out with you, with no knowledge of your plans, that it’d be kind of hard to scare me off at this point. “

“Yet here we are.”

“Josh.” He lifted a hand and cupped Josh’s jaw, stroking his cheek with his thumb gently. “Tell me.”

“Do you wanna… go out with me?” It was barely more than a whisper. Tyler stared. “Because I really like you. Like, I really fucking like you, and if you want I… fuck, I’m bad at this.” Josh laughed nervously, raking a hand through his hair. “I just- after the past couple days, and when you found out about Ashley's plan, and... I thought I was gonna lose you. To that. And I don't ever want to lose you, Tyler. You're- really, really important to me, I've never felt this way about anyone, and I just... I want you to be mine. Fuck, that's not... I mean, like... my... boyfriend?” He paused, then quickly added. “You can say no, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna freak you out, I know this- us, it’s all new and… you don’t have to feel obligated to-”

“Josh.”

Warm brown eyes flickered up to meet Tyler’s, wide and filled with anxious fear. Tyler sighed, then shuffled over on his knees to straddle Josh’s lap, more out of need to be close than to be suggestive. “Josh,” he continued softly. Then he wasn’t sure where he was going with his words, so instead he leaned in and kissed Josh hard. 

If words weren’t going to help him out now, he figured actions might do the trick. 

So he kissed Josh with a vengeance, hands sliding up to knot in his hair, lips slotting fervently against Josh’s. He heard Josh sigh quietly against his lips, then felt his lips break away and trail up his jaw. 

“Ty,” Josh laughed breathlessly, hands sliding up and down his sides. “That’s not exactly an answer.”

Tyler nodded, ducking his head into the crook of Josh’s neck. “Words aren’t working,” he mumbled distantly. 

“You don’t have to say yes,” Josh reminded him.

The problem was, every fiber of his being wanted to say yes. Despite every homophobic slur, every anti-gay propaganda he'd heard at church, every bad word and every condemnation he’d seen and heard thrown the general direction of where his life seemed to be headed, he wanted to say yes. Because Josh was in that direction, and if saying yes meant keeping Josh, exploring the strange warm and fluttery feeling in his stomach every time they were close, then he was willing to do it. 

“Yes,” Tyler whispered, lifting his head slowly to look at Josh- Josh, at that point, was staring at him with shocked wide eyes. “Yeah. I wanna… want you to be my boyfriend. I want that.”

“Are you sure?” Josh pressed to confirm, cupping Tyler’s face between both hands. “Are you, like, completely sure?”

Tyler nodded frantically. His hands slid up to grasp Josh’s shoulders, as if grounding him as he spoke. “Whenever we’re together, I… I get this fluttery feeling, and I’ve never felt it around girls, or guys honestly, just… just  _ you _ , and I wanna keep feeling it.”

For a moment Josh stared, wide, adoring eyes boring into Tyler, mouth hanging agape, until Tyler caught him up into kiss, desperate for more contact. He felt Josh respond eagerly and sighed, leaning into Josh as his arms wrapped firmly around his waist, holding him tightly in his grasp. He felt like he was floating, and Josh was the only thing keeping him on the ground. Which, truth be told, was perfectly fine with him.

“Josh,” he whispered into the kiss. Josh backed up slightly to look at him, almost worriedly, and he couldn’t help but giggle. It died down quickly, however. “I’ve never done this before. Not just… I mean, I’ve never had… anyone, really.” 

A smile broke out across Josh’s face, and Tyler’s heart soared at the sight. “I’m gonna be,” Josh promised between frantic kisses all across Tyler’s face, making him giggle and squirm around in Josh’s grasp, “the best damn boyfriend I can possibly be. I’ve never had a boyfriend. We’ll figure this out together.”

“Okay,” Tyler murmured. His head drifted down to rest in the crook of Josh’s neck, and he sighed. He’d almost forgotten he’d been straddling Josh’s lap this entire exchange, but he was too damn tired to care. “Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m tired.”

Josh snickered, leaning down to kiss across the side of his head lovingly. “Okay, how about I take you home and you nap for a little bit,” Josh proposed, “and on the way to school I get you coffee.”

“... Deal.”


	16. i forget that i let another day go by

The night had snuck up on Tyler beyond surprises he thought possible, and yet there he was, grabbing his duffel bag of team equipment and heading out to his dad’s car alongside Zack, who was positively beaming.    
Championships.

Usually, Tyler would’ve welcomed sporting events with his family. He couldn’t help the surge of accomplishment he felt seeing his parents and siblings cheering him on in the bleachers, hugging him no matter how sweaty and disgusting he was after games, spending all their time and effort on supporting Tyler and the team as a whole.

But when Tyler realized he had to forego tweaking lyrics to a new song for a sport he was quickly losing interest in, he knew there was a problem.

tyler: big game tonight i’m soooo hypeeeee

cute punk: i can hear your sarcasm all the way from here, all star

tyler: ew no, don’t call me that

cute punk: allstarallstarallstarallstarallstar

tyler: i hate you

cute punk: no u don’t troy bolton

tyler: i’m breaking up with you

Tyler could practically hear the laugh that would’ve followed the text- as well as the soft, worried “you’re joking, right?” 

“You ready, kiddo?” He heard his dad’s excited voice before he saw him, but there he was on the opposite end of the car, a bright grin on his face. He knew how much his dad looked forward to big games like this, so he plastered as genuine a smile as he could to his face.

“I was born ready,” Tyler teased as he slung his duffel bag into the back seat.

His dad chuckled, ruffling Tyler’s hair lightly as he walked past. “You’ve been working real hard this season. I’m proud of you.” 

Tyler felt his heart physically sink at that.  _ You have no idea, _ he couldn’t help but think. 

“I’m gonna be proud of you no matter what, you know that?” 

Tyler couldn’t help but stare. It wasn’t often that either of his parents showed particularly vulnerable displays of emotion for any of their kids, not just himself. It was wildly unexpected, and Tyler wasn’t sure how to feel. “Yeah,” he croaked out, but he wasn’t sure if it was true. “Thanks, dad.”

“I’m ready to kick butt!” Zack thundered as he raced out of the house, near tackling Tyler in the process. Both he and his dad burst out laughing at the interaction. 

The thought that should Tyler ever quit his pursuit of sports he could lose this, the connection he had with his family- no matter how strained, no matter how tightly it clung to a thin plastic cord that could so easily be snipped- made his heart sink further into his stomach.  It stuck with Tyler throughout the ride down to the high school, made his laughs a little softer and his responses a little half-hearted. He couldn’t help how badly he wanted his family’s approval. 

The second they rolled into the parking lot, he noticed it, and suddenly Tyler was sitting up straight and staring out the window. A truck toward the back of the lot. A gray one, too. A familiar gray truck.

But what was it doing  _ here _ ? Now, of all times?

tyler: i spy your truck

cute punk: you spy correctly

tyler: what are you doing here

cute punk: supporting my hot ass sporty boyfrennn that’s what

Tyler rightly figured he’d never blushed so hard in his life. He made double the effort to fast walk to the locker rooms to avoid his dad or his brother’s questions about it. 

tyler: you’re insane

cute punk: you love it

Well, there was that.

It was all going through the motions from there, changing and stretching and warming up in the locker rooms. Tyler reached into his locker for a little plastic bag, and while no one was looking, slipped a rubber band onto his wrist.

It was his signature thing, a rubber band. 

“You ready, Joseph?” he heard somewhere behind him, and he turned quickly on his heel.  _ Snap _ . It was Mark. He sighed. 

Mark was safe.

“Yeah,” he answered mechanically, offering his teammate a smile. He couldn’t help but freeze up slightly when Mark clapped his shoulder, but the gesture was gentle and ended quickly. 

Mark, for some reason unknown to him, understood that he was a time bomb waiting to- 

_ Snap _ .

“Campo's got nothing on us,” Mark assured him. “We’ve got this in the bag.”

“I’m ready.”

“Let’s kick some ass!” another boy thundered, and Tyler rolled his eyes. Mark caught it and smirked.

“Don’t worry, he’s sitting out. Failing three classes.” At that, Tyler couldn’t help but bust up laughing. A genuine smile spread across Mark’s face. 

The team started to huddle together under the direction of Coach Joseph, and before Tyler could snap the rubber band again Mark put an arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze, shooting him a small smile. Tyler couldn’t help but smile back.

Were he and Mark friends? Had they been friends this whole time, and he just hadn’t realized? 

He’d have to pay better attention to that in the future. How many sort of friends could he have around the entire school that he simply hadn’t noticed, just because he’d been so wrapped up in his mind?

At first, he was tempted to think that Josh unraveling his mind piece by piece, strand of negative and consuming thoughts by strand, was a bad thing. But now, shouting ‘break’ with his team, hustling out to the gymnasium with Mark at his side, he figured maybe it wasn’t. 

Maybe his brain needed to shut up every now and then.

The roar of the crowd nearly deafened his ears, but he could still hear Mark’s distant “You alright?” over the noise. He nodded sharply-  _ snap- _ and ran across the floor. 

At first, he worked very hard against his mind to keep his eyes from scanning the home crowd. He was in position, ready to storm the rival, block defense and make hoops. It was a routine, and throwing himself into it would keep him grounded and distracted.

He could hear distant cheering as the ball dropped to the floor, dribbled down by the opposing team player before a tall upperclassmen snatched it away and thundered down the gym. Tyler darted down, jumping erratically in front of the opposing defense until he heard a telltale swoosh and backed down.

One point for them. As good of a start as any.

The pace was set from then on out. Campo, despite Mark's assurance that they had nothing on Triad, was persistent in their strategies. Every score they made, Valley matched.

Part of him wanted to look out, to see his family cheering. But what if it didn’t help?  _ Snap _ . What if his nerves came back?  _ Snap _ . What if they looked disappointed?

_ Snap _ .

Slowly, Tyler turned his head. The referee picked up the ball. He could see Madison waving a sign frantically- “ _Go_ , _Tyler!_ ”- his mom, clapping with excitement. His dad was down by the benches wearing a bright smile. 

His eyes moved further up the crowd, and there was a head of bright blue hair.

The ball dropped, and Tyler snapped back into the game.

_ I can do this. _

With a fire in his veins, Tyler sprinted down the court. Mark was dribbling the ball frantically side to side, maneuvering around the defense. “Here!” he cried out, jumping up in front of an opposing player. Mark nodded to him, tossing the ball into Tyler's awaiting grasp. He dribbled a little further down, focusing his senses on the rippling dots coating the basketball, the squeaking gym floor beneath his sneakers, and shot.

_Swoosh_.

The crowd _roared_.

It wasn't very often that he made the shot himself- usually, the upperclassmen got to the ball first, leaving him and his fellow lowerclassmen to handle defense, regardless of their positions on the team. But every so often a lowerclassman got the ball, and they didn't always succeed, but when they did.

When they did, the crowd went _wild_.

Mark thundered over, clapping Tyler on the shoulder with a huge grin. "Nice one, Joseph!" he congratulated. 

Tyler smiled.

His eyes carried over to the home crowd, over to his family jumping and waving him down erratically. His dad was fist pumping and shooting him a thumbs up. 

Up in the bleachers a little further back, a blue haired boy was grinning and applauding a little too loudly. Warm brown eyes met his own, and the blue haired boy mouthed, "Atta boy."

Tyler rolled his eyes.

The team came together once more in a huddle, discussing a change in strategy that put Tyler further forward with the upperclassmen who usually ended up with the ball. He heard a sneer from one of the older kids, and knew what they were thinking- coach's kid got special treatment.

"You don't have to," Tyler muttered to his dad suddenly. That got the kid's attention.

"Ty, you're doing great out there," his dad argued. "Does anyone disagree?"

The older kids were silent.

"Then let's go."

The huddle broke, and Tyler started to move back toward the court, but his dad caught his shoulder at the last minute. "Hey, kiddo."

He turned around, suddenly nervous. "Yeah?"

"Is that the kid you've been tutoring?" he asked suddenly. Tyler froze, but for some reason, he didn't look mad. "That, uh, Dun. With the bright hair."

"Uh... yeah. That's him."

His dad nodded. "Seems like a nice kid," he mentioned as he turned back to the benches. 

Tyler was slack-jawed with surprise. "Yeah, he is." He wanted to scream with joy. His dad didn't hate Josh Dun, it was a miracle. Thanks be to god. "His grades have been picking up, too."

"Looks like you're doing your job, then." Tyler laughed and shrugged. "Now get out there, kiddo, make us both proud."

Tyler's head was legitimately spinning on his shoulders, he was sure, but he nodded and sprinted out onto the court. 

The upperclassmen who had called him out was waiting in position, giving him a look- but for some reason, it wasn't a mean one. "That was pretty sick," he admitted as the ref picked up the ball. "Good shot."

Tyler could only stare. "Uh, thanks."

The ball dropped, and everything went straight back into motion. Tyler made a mental note to make sure Josh went to all his games, especially if he was right and Josh was actually the human embodiment of a good luck charm.

His teammates didn't hate him, his dad didn't hate Josh, and he was making shots like it was his job? 

It wasn't a bad life after all.

When the rubber band suddenly slipped from his wrist, he didn't mind it as much as he would've. Tyler took it as progress.


	17. silent in the trees, standing cowardly

Most Tuesdays, Tyler would have gone straight to the gym for basketball practice, or to shoot hoops on his own. But with championships behind him, he figured he earned a break.

A break. Hadn't Josh teased him about those before?

It wasn't quite the fabled mental health day, but an afternoon off sounded heavenly to Tyler, so he went with it. Instead of walking the usual trek to the gym or to his house, he veered off to the right of Triad and did just that- walked.

There was a forest down past the small shopping center a block down from Triad, and it seemed like the perfect place to spend a quiet, unassuming afternoon. He'd never been there personally, but had always seen it when driving out of town. It looked beautiful outside the car window.

Along the way he passed a familiar fenced in yard, and contained within the fence was a sheep laying curled up on the ground, a lamb resting peacefully beside it. He couldn't help but smile fondly at the scene as he walked. 

And there it was, just past the Wal-Mart adjoined with a Starbucks, view blocked by a small gas station at the front of the parking lot. A road veered off to the left or right, and directly across the street was a row of tall, green tinged with red-brown trees that seemed to extend into the horizon. His pace picked up a little as it neared, captivated entirely by the sight. He looked both ways at the road, and then he ran for it.

Suddenly he was caught in the thicket, surrounded on all sides by a beautiful mess of skyward trees and fading grass, weeds and flowers every few steps. The ground crunched with fallen leaves under his feet, disturbing the otherwise pleasantly quiet woods around him.

It was the first near silence Tyler had experienced that wasn't deafening, and he was addicted to it.

A slanted tree came into view, knocked down onto its side by the wind, he figured. Without thought he strode over to it, setting his foot on the middle of it and pressing down just to test its sturdiness, then slung his backpack onto the leafy ground and sat down on the tree. He started to dig through his backpack for his journal, then a pencil, and after flipping through for a blank page, he started to write his thoughts.

_ That's where I am, silent in the trees. _

His pencil fell to the forest floor, and he let it. He wanted to text Josh about his little adventure into the woods, but he didn't. He liked being alone with his thoughts. Sometimes. 

His thoughts wandered over to the subject of Josh, and he sighed. Here it was. Sure, his dad didn't seem to mind Josh, but if only he knew. If only he knew what they were, to each other, in general. The feeling of being watched crept up Tyler's back, crawled over his skin and made him shudder. A gust of wind swept through the trees.

Shaking, he picked up the pencil and kept writing.

_ Why won't you speak where I happen to be? _ __  
_ Silent in the trees, standing cowardly. _ __  
_ I can feel your breath, I can feel my death. _ _  
_ __ I want to know you, I want to see.

The pencil fell to the ground, and Tyler's head fell into his hands. Again the thought struck him,  _ why are Josh and I so wrong when it feels so right and he's made me the happiest and honestly the least suicidal I've ever been _ ?

And it hurt. Because he knew it was wrong, and despite that, he also knew he wouldn't stop. He couldn't. 

Josh Dun was the drug that injected the right amount of dopamine into Tyler's brain, and he couldn't give that up. And he didn't want to, either.

Where was God when he would’ve rather ended it than keep trying, anyway?

He didn’t know.

Tyler picked up the pencil again, but instead of writing he started thinking. He could vividly picture the moment he met Josh, the moment he fell- very literally- into his sphere of influence. It hadn't been the first time he'd seen Josh, or the first time he'd heard his name. But it had been the first time he really looked. It was the first time he heard Josh speak, and he'd been head over heels ever since.

It was such an honest to god relief to admit to himself that he was crazy about Josh, and in that very empty and silent forest, Tyler let out a laugh. He really liked Josh. He really loved...

He'd save that thought for another day.

But it was impossible to doubt the impact Josh had on him for even a second. He'd never laughed so freely, never walked with such confidence, or broke the metaphorical rules so shamelessly. He'd never set a foot outside the norm, yet here he was, brutally crashing through it to the other side. 

Tyler closed his journal quickly, settling to sit on the ground with a leafy crunch and lean his back on the fallen tree, then shoved his journal and pencil into his backpack, trading them for his phone.

tyler: hey josh

cute punk: yeah?

tyler: i really like you

cute punk: god tyler i had no idea

tyler: shut up

tyler: i mean it i really, really like you

cute punk: well i really, really like you, too

tyler: i just wanted to remind you

cute punk: you're fucking adorable

tyler: stop it

Tyler started to giggle, leaning his head back against the tree as a bright smile spread across his lips. What had he done in his small, insignificant life to deserve the likes of Josh? He wasn't sure.

cute punk: whatcha up to 

tyler: wandering? idk

cute punk: tell me more little rebel

tyler: literally shut up

tyler: idk you know the woods past walmart?

cute punk: are you there

tyler: yup

cute punk: omw

tyler: joSH

cute punk: unless you wanna be alone i get you

tyler: ugh

tyler: come here

With that Tyler threw his phone back into his backpack, leaning his head back again and laughing. How he could shift so quickly from questioning the universe and facing deep, interpersonal struggles to teasing and bantering with Josh was beyond him, but he didn't mind it. Sometimes you had to face your demons, and other times, you just wanted to bother your boyfriend. 

Boyfriend.

Tyler sighed, pulling his backpack into his lap and holding it to his chest. He hadn't quite come to complete terms with the word, but it wasn't nearly as terrifying as he thought it'd be. Boyfriend meant Josh, and boyfriend was- apparently- what he was to Josh, and all he had to associate with Josh and being with Josh were very positive things. It only made sense that, with time, the word and what it implied wouldn't be so bad after all, if only for them.

The rest of the world, he wasn't so sure of, and at this point in time he didn't care to find out.

Somewhere off in the direction of the road he heard the boom of a car door shutting, and grinned. Crunching leaves followed the sound, and immediately Tyler pushed his backpack off his lap, instead leaning back and turning his head toward the sound.

Bright blue hair and warm eyes and kind, open arms came into view.

"I was summoned."

Tyler laughed, then sprung off the ground and shuffled Josh's way. "You certainly were," he teased.

Josh grinned, a bright, happy smile that reached his eyes in crinkles, and pulled Tyler into his arms. Immediately Tyler relaxed into the embrace, head falling to rest on Josh's chest. "What's up, monkey boy?"

Tyler shrugged, nuzzling his face into Josh's chest as his arms lifted to wrap around his torso. "Writing mostly." 

"... Do I get to see, or do I have to tickle it out of you?”

Tyler tilted his head up simply to narrow his eyes. "You wouldn't." 

"I don't know..." Josh teased, hands skating down to grip Tyler's sides gently. At that Tyler started to pout, so Josh relented and leaned down to kiss him softly. Tyler immediately melted into it, hands lifting to cup the back of Josh's neck. 

It was strange, being so visible to the world, out in public rather than in the confines of the truck, or Josh's house, and still being so comfortable kissing Josh. He couldn't help the physical draw he felt to Josh that little things like kissing alleviated. 

"I still wanna see," Josh murmured against his lips. 

Tyler laughed, slowly and unwillingly prying himself out of Josh's grasp and shuffling back over to his backpack quickly. Telltale crunches signaled to him that Josh had followed suit. "It isn't much," he informed Josh, sitting back down on the fallen tree and digging through his backpack for his journal. 

"Okay, but everything you write is genius, so the length doesn't matter."

Tyler rolled his eyes as he flipped through the journal until he landed on the entry he was looking for. "Here," he muttered shyly, eyes cast downward as he held the journal out. 

He felt the journal carefully leave his grasp, and watched nervously as Josh sat down beside him, eyes scanning over the page. There was a significant pause before Josh spoke. "Damn," he murmured, then whistled low and long. "Seriously, Ty, I don't think you'll ever stop amazing me."

"Shut up," Tyler mumbled, ducking his head into his shoulder as a hot blush spread across his face. He heard Josh chuckle as strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him into Josh's side. 

"I mean it," Josh continued as he left an array of kisses on the top of Tyler's head and down the side of his face. “You haven’t serenaded me in approximately  _ way _ too long.” Tyler snickered, shying away from the sudden affection. “Wanna go to the music store?”

Tyler couldn’t have nodded harder if he tried.

~

After the week he’d had, Tyler was pretty sure he knew a thing or two about heaven. Between  _ having a fucking boyfriend _ , getting along surprisingly well with his parents, and spending all his newfound free time writing and singing and playing music, he’d had no time and frankly no reason to let the dark parts of his mind take over. 

They’d retreated to their little practice room in the music store that day, and Tyler had played a few new ones for Josh, ones he was fairly proud of, all incredibly, horrifyingly sad, but he trusted Josh enough to know that things had changed since he wrote the words- for the better.

Until they ended up in Josh’s bedroom, about to set up and play Mario Kart.

"So... what’s Prove Me Wrong about?"

Tyler's eyes snapped up to meet the defeated gaze of Josh, and he sighed. "Is that really gonna bother you?"

"Yes," he admitted, and moseyed on over to sit beside him on the bed, then flopped back onto the covers. "I'm a protective boyfriend, shoot me. Do you really feel that way?"

His instinctual reaction was to say  _ yes, I don't think anyone could love me like that _ , but then his brain changed it to  _ I don't think anyone could love me like you do _ , and he understood. 

"No," Tyler said, and the expression on Josh's face shifted. "I did feel that way when I wrote it. But that was... before I met you and all, and everything's changed since then, you know? Like... even I've changed. But not in a weird, oh, I'm changing myself so my boyfriend will like me way, more of a... I'm done trying to please people and I'm gonna be myself now way. And you're... I mean, you're still here. Even though I'm being myself. I didn't think anyone could really love me, or that I could really love anybody, but I..."

He broke off suddenly, gaze dropping to the hands in his lap. He should've said it. What he was thinking.

"Tyler."

"Yeah?"

Fingers tapped the underside of his chin and lifted his head. Josh's eyes were boring intensely into his.

"Tyler, I love you."

For a moment, Tyler only stared. His eyes locked onto Josh’s glistening ones with a frightened intensity, one thought echoing dementedly through his mind, tearing down warm walls of joy with all its might. “Why?” he croaked out, then blinked rapidly, confused by his own outburst.

Josh’s brows furrowed together, his lips twisting downward. “What do you mean, why?” he asked. He looked so hurt that Tyler immediately started shaking his head.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I… I…” Panic flooded his chest, icing over his heart and lungs. “Josh.”

A sigh escaped Josh, and he leaned closer, scooting his body closer to Tyler’s, making his already fragile breath falter. “I love you,” he repeated softly. His hand still capturing Tyler’s chin moved upward, cupping his jaw, and Tyler leaned into the touch, letting his eyes flutter shut. “I love you.” He could feel Josh’s breath against his lips now, and the speed of his heartbeat seemed to break the ice forming over it. “I love you, Tyler.” 

“Josh,” he gasped out, barely more than a hoarse whisper. 

He could feel Josh’s lips grazing ever so slightly against his own, and he inhaled sharply, a tiny squeak escaping his throat. “I love you.” And they were kissing.

It started slow, slow and gentle and loving. Tyler immediately melted against Josh, letting him take control, and only moved to throw his arms around Josh’s neck and pull him closer. He let Josh pull him into his lap, let him part his thighs so he straddled Josh’s legs, let Josh’s tongue pry open his lips and explore his mouth as he pleased. But it remained a kiss. Their mouths were locked together passionately, inseparable, but no more. 

Tyler started to cry. 

Immediately Josh broke the kiss, letting their foreheads bump together and keep them connected. “Baby,” he murmured, his hands sliding up and down Tyler’s back to soothe him. 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whimpered, eyes squeezing shut as tears leaked down his cheeks. “Josh.”

“Hey.” A hand slid up to curl gently into Tyler’s hair, kneading his scalp with soft pressure. “Look at me.” Tyler sniffled, but his eyes peeked open warily, blurred slightly with tears. “You don’t have to say it back, okay?” His eyes shut again, and it took all his effort to not dissolve into sobs right then and there. “Tyler, I mean it. Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“You love me,” Tyler moaned, and let his head fall into the crook of Josh’s neck, tears spilling onto his shirt. 

“Yeah.” The hand on his back continued to rub gentle circles into his skin. “I love you, baby.”

“Josh.” Tyler’s voice shook. 

“Yeah?”

Tyler shook his head, instead pressing feather light kisses to the crook of Josh’s neck, relishing in the soft hum that resonated in Josh’s chest from the affection. “I used to say that...  I wanna die before I’m old,” he admitted in no more than a whisper against Josh’s skin. “But… because of you, I… “

“Tyler.” Suddenly he was being lifted back up, and kisses were raining down all across his entire face. “God, I fucking love you. I love you so much.” And as the words echoed in his head, the warmth blocked out the cold, the dark parts of his thoughts scattered, and he felt…

Happy. 


	18. what i have made inside these lines, it's as good as i can be

It was a Friday, a little while after school had let out, that he came home and was first greeted by the distant mutters of his parents in the kitchen. He tensed up, meaning to hook by to the stairs and run, but it was too late.

"Tyler?"

He froze on the first step, turning slightly to peer into the kitchen. Both his parents sat at the kitchen table, a piece of paper sat between them on the table that they seemed to be passing back and forth. Tyler frowned, stepping back down and shuffling an inch toward them.

"Yeah?"

His mom held up the paper suddenly, a tight-lipped frown on her face. "So what's this?"

"I don't..."

Tyler looked closer, shuffling forward another fraction of an inch. He saw what the paper was titled, and his heart dropped straight down to the pit of his stomach. 

Drown.

His lyrics. His words. His thoughts, written down for the world to see.

"Um..."

"And I'm back in front of you, ignoring the blood on the floor," his mother spat out, eyes glued disapprovingly onto the page. "Is the blood mine or yours? Don't wanna do this anymore?"

"It's not..." Tyler shook his head wildly, as if clearing his head of the sight in front of him would change reality. 

"Explain," his mother demanded. Tyler glanced frantically to his dad, but he refused to meet Tyler's gaze, instead fixated coldly on the lyric sheet. "Where did these thoughts come from?"

Tyler's head hung down. "I don't know," he mumbled.

"Speak up, Tyler."

"I don't know," he repeated, voice pitched up with agitation. "I just get... these really bad mood swings or something, I just get... really dark and sad for no reason, and... writing about it helps, I guess."

"You think about murder when you're sad?"

"That's not what it's about," he muttered.

"Tyler Robert, speak up."

"It's not about murdering someone else," he near yelled, hands clenching and unclenching frantically at his sides. "It's about hurting myself."

There was silence, thick and unbreakable. The room was ice cold and froze every single one of the nice, warm thoughts that had started to bloom there since... since Josh.

"Go to your room," his mother snapped suddenly. His eyes lifted, then immediately dropped back down at the look of disgust on her face. "I won't tolerate your attitude, and I _definitely_ will not tolerate this level of selfishness."

Tyler's eyes widened. "Selfishness? How is..."

"To your room. And I don't want you to come down until you've thought about what you've done."

Before he turned, he glanced back at his dad. Their gazes didn't meet.

Tyler bolted up the steps, hands gripping tightly the straps of his backpack as his feet thundered against the floor. His heart felt like it had rolled right out of his chest onto the floor, leaving a long trail of blood in its wake as it rolled away from him. He couldn't believe that he was right. That his parents were the kind of people to call what he went through, the thoughts he struggled against... selfish.

Of all things, selfish. 

Tyler fought every instinct to slam the bedroom door behind him, and instead let it click softly shut. He rocketed over to his bed and flopped face down onto it. He wouldn't end up going downstairs for dinner, he realized. Maybe Zack still had that stash of protein bars under his bed...

Zack. Would he be that pissed at him, too? That disgusted? He wasn't sure how he would cope with losing his entire family to this. 

It was exactly what his darkest thoughts had warned him about. It was exactly what they wanted. 

Tyler could feel himself slipping back into his dark thoughts, falling headfirst into the pits of hopelessness that inspired his vulnerable songs in the first place, and at this point, he couldn't find it within himself to keep fighting it.

So he didn't.

_ C’mon, Tyler. _

“No.”

_ You know it’ll make you feel better. _

Here at home, there were no rubber bands to snap. No songs to write, his parents would see and punish him. Nowhere to go but down, down, down…

“No it won’t,” he whimpered, clutching his skull as if he could squeeze out the bad thoughts that way. “I don’t want it, please…”

_ But you deserve it. Your mother is right, you're just so  _ selfish _. All you do is think about yourself,  _ your _ feelings,  _ your _ thoughts. All you do is complain about me. It's selfish of you to use music that way. People certainly have it worse than you do. You're just upset because you love Josh and it's  _ bad _. You're  _ bad _ , Tyler. Bad. Bad. Bad BAD- _

Tyler sat up suddenly, fishing through his bedside table drawer for a small tin of Altoids. It seemed so harmless, so innocent, just a little box of mints.

_ BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD- _

He opened it up, and in the tin rested a heap of safety pins.

A perfect resemblance, he thought darkly. 

His thoughts silenced, the dark void of nothing ringing in his ears as he picked up the largest safety pin he could find. It wouldn't be enough, not nearly enough, but it could reduce the silence to a dull quiet. Less of a thundering ring, more of an annoying buzz. 

It would do the trick until he could get into the bathroom.

Without a second thought- or a first one to be honest- Tyler lifted up his shirt. 

It burned. A white, bumpy line appeared on his skin.  And then came the blood.  In the midst of the confident streak, he jerked the tip of the safety pin back and forth across his stomach, hissing and gnawing his lip to keep from crying out in pain. It burned. It hurt. 

Tyler dropped the safety pin and cried.

He felt sick. Guilt sloshed through his stomach in sickening waves, turning his dark thoughts darker and sending the sharp end of the safety pin across all the skin he could reach. He deserved it. He deserved every bleeding line, every burn, every ounce of pain.

He deserved it all. And he believed the dark voice that told him that, believed it more than he believed most things he'd heard in a long time.

An hour later, he heard his phone buzz in his backpack and realized that he really had been laying in his tears for an entire hour, helpless to pick himself up again and keep going. It could've been Zack telling him it was time for dinner, or for hoops. 

With trembling hands, Tyler closed the safety pin and put it back into the tin, tucking it away into his drawer and shutting it slowly. He shuffled through his backpack then, and pulled out his phone.

cute punk: pls save me from this dumbass essay

Shit.

Immediately his phone fell into his lap, and his head fell back onto the pillow with a soft thud. He had to play it off. He had to pretend the past hour hadn’t happened, that he was fine. He  _ could not tell Josh _ .

tyler: wish i could

cute punk: whatcha up to?

tyler: nothing really

He started to shake, staring in panic at the screen. His eyes drifted to the dots of blood on his shirt, and tears pricked in his eyes.  _ Fuck _ .

cute punk: you okay?

_ Fuck fuck fuck _ .

tyler: fine

cute punk: tyler, you can tell me if you aren’t. It’s okay.

tyler: it’s not okay josh you don’t understand

_ Stupid. Weak. You’re making him worry. You’re going to make him  _ sad _. _

Grunting from the effort, Tyler shoved himself out of bed and stumbled across the room. He pulled his shirt off slowly, hissing at the rub of fabric against his broken skin, and tossed it into the hamper. Instead, he grasped a baggy sweatshirt from his closet and shrugged it on carefully. 

_ You have to lie. Lie to him. Blame it on school, or hoops. If he finds out what you’ve done, he’ll be so sad. And you don’t want that, do you?  _

“No.”

cute punk: i won’t pry if you really don’t want to talk about it, but i just want you to know i’m here for you, okay?

Tyler cried. 


	19. i won't take much of your time, just enough

Tyler didn’t sleep that night. Go figure.

He didn’t eat, either, but that was beside the point. He wasn’t allowed to come down for dinner unless he was ready to renounce his songs, his mind, what he was feeling and experiencing. And he couldn’t. Depression sank heavily into his bones, anchored him to the bed until he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. Which he didn’t, not really.

After a while Josh let him be, told Tyler to get some rest and he’d see him tomorrow. He figured Josh was sick of his half assed responses, and he didn’t blame him. 

He blamed himself, but that was nothing new. 

It took some effort, but Tyler managed to sit up and stare at the wall across the room. He vaguely remembered Zack asking why he hadn’t come to dinner, why their parents seemed so pissed that night. Had he answered? What new lie had he thought up this time? 

How many people had he completely shut out, how many walls had he built around himself- whether to keep himself or them safe, he wasn’t sure- that just wouldn’t fucking come down? 

His phone buzzed. 

Incoming Call: cute punk

Tyler stared at the blinking screen for a moment before yanking his phone off the charger, then used the dim light to peek over at his sleeping brother across the room. It was late, way past bedtime, and he hoped to  _ God _ he wouldn’t wake him. 

Deep breath. “Hello?”

“Hey, Tyler.” A pause. “Listen, I know you were having a rough night.”

“... Yeah?”

“And, uh… I promise I’m not going to make a habit of asking you to sneak out.”

“Uh huh.”

He heard a quiet laugh on the other line. “I just hate seeing you like this, baby. I, uh… I have blankets in the backseat. We can cuddle. We could go somewhere, um… I’ll bring you Taco Bell.”

“The truest show of affection- Taco Bell.”

Another laugh. “It’s up to you. I can be over in, like, five minutes. But you can say no.” Another pause, a little longer. “Shit, did I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

“Nah,” Tyler mumbled, rolling onto his side facing the window. “Couldn’t sleep anyway. Come over, please?”

“Alright. I’m on my way.”

As soon as the call disconnected, Tyler buried his face in his pillow and cried. He didn’t want Zack to hear. 

_ You really don’t deserve him. _

I know.

~

Clad only in an old t-shirt, sweatpants, and sneakers, Tyler slipped out the window by his bed and sat on the roof until he caught sight of Josh’s grey truck down the street. It had been a while since he’d merely climbed, enjoyed the heights, the view. Something about the darkness in his mind and his complete lack of fear of heights always surfaced when he was above the world, climbing and sitting and musing. 

Before he could think on it long enough, Josh’s truck rolled into view, and he figured it was for the best. He wasn’t too keen on learning why his demons loved heights so much.

Instead, Tyler lurched to the left, grasping for a thicker tree limb and hooking his legs over it, then slowly started to scale down the side of the tree, until his feet hit the ground. His hands lingered on the rough bark, his eyes closed for a moment, and he let himself breathe. He had to be calm. 

_ He can’t know what you did. It would break his heart. _

A sigh heaved from Tyler’s chest, and he turned around. He ended up shrieking a little and quickly covering his mouth with both hands, because Josh was already right behind him, frowning, eyes filled with worry, with fear, with sadness. 

_ Oh, you fuck up. It’s too late. _

“Sorry,” he murmured. Tyler’s eyes squeezed shut, and he hung his head. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Tyler simply shook his head. He tried opening his mouth to speak, to tell Josh not to worry, that nothing was wrong, but his lips wouldn’t move. 

Instead of nagging, Josh wrapped a careful arm around Tyler’s shoulders. “C’mere, baby boy. I have blankets and Taco Bell.”

Tyler’s eyes flew wide open. Again his mouth fell open, but no sound came out. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to cry.

He must’ve noticed, because Josh was simply squeezing his shoulders gently and leading him slowly in the direction of his truck. “I was hungry,” he explained with a little smile. “And I know you like tacos.”

All Tyler could do was stare at the truck as they approached. He didn’t deserve this kindness, this affection, this…  _ love _ . It was love. It had been all along, hadn’t it? How could he have been so blind, let Josh so close, let him get attached, he was going to get  _ hurt-  _

“Tyler?”

His head snapped up suddenly, struggling to keep his expression blank. There were tears in his eyes finally, threatening to spill.

Without a word, Josh opened up the back door to the car and slid across the seats, holding out a hand to Tyler. He accepted it shakily, gripping Josh’s hand as he hoisted himself into the truck, then pulled the door shut behind him. Josh immediately lunged forward, wrapping both arms tightly around Tyler, pulling Tyler into his lap and holding him as close as physically possible. “I’m sorry,” Josh mumbled into the crook of Tyler’s neck. The tears were pouring freely now, little sobs wrenching from Tyler’s throat. “I don’t want to pry, I really don’t. You don’t have to tell me anything, I promise. I just… god, I hate… I feel useless. I just want to make you happy, and I know it’s not that simple, but… please, if there’s  _ anything _ I can do, anything at all…”

“Josh,” he whimpered. Tears started to streak in angry red trails down his cheeks, no matter how hard he squeezed his eyes shut and fought them. He almost said it. What he'd done. But the guilt, sloshing around sickeningly in his stomach, paired against the sting of his skin where it pressed against his shirt, against Josh, was enough to keep his mouth shut. 

He wanted to throw up. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Josh mumbled. He then started to plant an array of kisses up his neck, across his face, kissing away tears, all the way up to the top of his head, where his lips rested a moment before travelling all the way down to hover over Tyler’s lips. “Tyler?”

Tyler’s eyes flickered up to meet his, bloodshot from crying. 

“I can’t sing.”

Tyler’s eyebrows furrowed together.

A shaky laugh. A hand raked through faded blue hair. “I really can’t. But, um… I was listening to this song earlier. My mom likes to make sure I know about all the Christian alternative bands before I get into the grittier ones, go figure, but… this one’s kinda good. And I heard this and… I thought of you.”

Lips rolling together cautiously, Tyler nodded.

Josh buried his face in Tyler’s hair, inhaling slowly. One hand was rubbing slow, gentle circles into Tyler’s back, the other resting firmly on his hip. And he began to sing.

“ _ We should get jerseys, cause we’d make a good team. _ ”

Immediately Tyler’s eyes flew wide open. A giggle escaped his lips before he could contain it.

“ _ But yours would look better than mine, cause you’re out of my league. _ ”

He knew this song. He  _ knew _ this song. His sister loved this song and this band. 

Josh was singing him a love song. Josh was  _ singing _ to him.

“ _ And I’m wracking my brain for a new, improved way _ _  
_ _ To let you know you’re more to me than what I know how to say. _ ”

Tyler wanted to cry again. He wanted to kiss Josh. He wanted to scream “I love you” for the world to hear. He wanted to stay here, in Josh’s lap, for the rest of time, in this moment. With Josh singing to him.

“ _ If anyone could make me a better person, you could. _ _  
_ _ All I gotta say is I must’ve done something good.” _

Slowly, Tyler lifted his head a little and looked Josh in the eyes. He looked so nervous, frozen wide eyed like a deer in headlights, but there was a tiny, wobbly smile on his lips that mirrored on Tyler’s own.

“ _ You came around one day and you rearranged my life, _ _  
_ _ All I gotta say is I must’ve done something right, I-” _

Tyler surged forward and cut him off, connecting their lips frantically, arms thrown around Josh’s neck, pulling them as close together as possible. Josh jumped a little in reasonable shock, but he reciprocated quickly, relaxing back against the seat and holding Tyler close to his chest. They made out lazily, kissing and feeling and revelling in each other. 

When Tyler finally broke away for air, he hid his face back in Josh’s neck, holding onto him tightly. “I need you,” he whispered brokenly. “Nobody makes me feel as good as you do. Makes me as happy as you do. I never loved myself before I met you.”

“Baby boy,” Josh murmured, immediately resuming kissing Tyler all over his face. Tyler simply closed his eyes and let it happen.

The words left his mouth in an unassuming sigh. “I love you.” And then Tyler froze.

Every inch of him tensed up. His grip on Josh’s shoulders tightened impossibly, to the point that he moved his hands to grip his shirt instead. His eyes squeezed shut.

“Tyler.”

He didn’t move.

“Baby, just breathe,” Josh murmured. His lips continued to rain gently across his face, ghosting the corners of his lips, until Tyler’s grip on his shirt relaxed slightly, and his eyes fluttered half open. “It’s okay.” A gentle kiss. “I understand.” Kiss. “We move at your pace, okay?” Kiss. 

Instead of protesting, Tyler nodded, and rested his forehead against Josh’s. Their lips connected again, soft and slow, and he didn’t fight it.

“Tyler?”

“Mmhmm?”

“I really did get Taco Bell.” Tyler snorted.

“I know, I can smell it.”

“... Do you want some?”

“... Yeah.”


	20. i am simply very perplexed by your ways

Days went by far slower than Tyler would have liked them to. Sure, he had sitting with Josh at lunch to look forward to, to live for, but he was still dragging himself from point A to point B, scribbling what little bits of poems he could grasp and camoflauged them within notes. It was harder now, to find the words, without the journal. That journal had been his safe space, his catharsis all wrapped together neatly with a bow on top. 

And it was gone.

He’d started walking home with Zack again, at the urgence of his mom. Zack did his best to pretend like Tyler’s reappearance was some huge burden, but he didn’t miss the little spring in his brother’s step that first walk home. 

Zack met him at the usual spot by the gates at the southern end of the school, rocking back and forth onto his heels as Tyler approached. “Hey,” he greeted distractedly.

“Hey.”

“So, mom spilled the beans on why you got in trouble.”

Tyler inhaled sharply. “Ah.”

“Yeah.” Zack glanced toward the gym building briefly, then looked up to his brother, blinking expectantly. “Can I hear it?”

“... Hear what?”

Zack rolled his eyes. “Cmon, Tyler. The music. Can I hear it?”

Tyler froze where he stood. “Dunno.” He wasn’t sure how much he had from memory. Only his most recent works were in any shape cemented in his head, damning his reliance on that stupid, far away journal. But there was more. How much did Zack really know? “Did she tell you what I wrote about?”

“No.”

He sighed. “Cmon, then.” 

Without another word, Tyler was grasping his brother’s arm and hauling him toward the entrance to the arts building. He could see the wonder in Zack’s eyes as they made their way down the hall, hanging a sharp right toward the practice rooms. The door to room he frequented was cracked open, the rest firmly shut. Frowning a little in confusion, he scurried forward- usually he’d had to ask Mr. Flora to open the room for him, though he hadn’t been in days upon days, in light of recent events.

There was a sticky note on the window of the practice room door. 

“ _ The piano misses you. -Flo _ ”

Tyler could’ve cried right then and there, but he snatched up the sticky note and pocketed it instead, ushering Zack into the little room. “Shut the door,” he murmured as he sat down on the piano bench.

Zack did as instructed, leaning back against it a little as Tyler’s fingers ghosted over the tops of the keys. He’d missed this. God, he’d missed this. His fingers plunked out a chord experimentally, and his eyes fluttered shut as the notes sounded around the room. 

He started to play. He started to sing.

“ _ I know where you stand, silent in the trees _ .”

Tyler had never sung Trees out loud before. He’d created the melody on the right hand of the piano once in the music store with Josh, but hadn’t sung it. Never worked up the courage to voice the words, but now more than ever he needed to. The words ripped through his chest, through the hole his heart was beating straight through his body, flowing from his brain and memory in desperate, sweaty rivulets down to his fingertips. 

“ _ Why won’t you speak where I happen to be? _ _  
_ _ Silent in the trees, standing cowardly. _ ”

Tyler started to shake. He could hear footsteps outside, somewhere behind Zack. He heard Zack shuffle closer to the piano, but the door remained shut. Someone was listening. Was it Mr. Flora?

His eyes fluttered shut as his fingers sought the next chord. Whoever it was, was about to get a show.

“ _ I can feel your breath, I can feel my death. _ __  
_ I want to know you, I want to see, _ _  
_ __ I want to say…”

He paused, letting the chord ring and fade.

“ _ Hello. _ ”

Tyler’s eyes squeezed firmly shut. A few chords later, his hands lifted from the piano and let the music ring.

When he looked up, Zack was staring at him with wide, awestruck eyes. “That’s all I have,” Tyler muttered.

“Holy  _ shit _ , dude.”

Suddenly, the door flew open. Tyler’s head spun around- and there was his dad. “What are you boys up to?”

Zack pointed at Tyler sharply, making Tyler jump. “Have you heard what he made? It’s the sickest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yes, I’ve seen the nature of his lyrics, and your mom and I-”

“No,” Zack retorted. “Clearly you haven’t, because this-” He gestured wildly, eyes flickering to meet Tyler’s, amazement reflecting and making Tyler tear up, just a little- “is  _ incredible _ . I knew he wrote poetry and stuff, but I had no idea…” 

And then Zack’s eyes met his dad’s again. “... You knew what kind of amazing stuff he was making… and you guys told him… to stop?”

Tyler watched as his dad’s back straightened, watched his eyes shift. He was working up a defense, but before he could open his mouth Zack was grasping Tyler’s hand and pulling him out of the room, past their dad. “Later, dad,” Zack muttered, and they were walking out of the building. 

They passed Mr. Flora’s open choir room on the way out. Tyler didn’t miss the thumbs up shot his way.

Tyler smiled.

~

Dinner at the Joseph household that night was tense, to say the very least. Tyler made a pointed effort to completely ignore his parent’s gazes, instead glancing at Zack every now and then and smiling at his encouraging looks. He’d never been happier to be in some sort of alliance with his siblings- even when their parents were being ridiculous, they always had each other’s backs. 

He couldn’t help but tune out his parents as they made superficial small talk about their days, upcoming church events, or whatever curt quips seemed to slip across the table from one to the other. Tyler could see his brother itching to burst at the seams, to exclaim something to the table, and inside he was begging God with all his might for his brother to just shut the fuck up this time, and-

“Tyler played me one of his songs today.”

_ Not talk about the song _ . 

Tyler’s gaze glued itself onto his half empty plate of pork chops and macaroni. At this point, he’d happily keel over and be ascended into the heavens- or descended into hell, really anything that would get him out of this conversation again. 

“Tyler was told not to keep up his sacrilegious music,” he heard his mother reply sharply. “Isn’t that right, Tyler?”

“I-”

“ _ Sacrilegious _ ?” Zack exclaimed. “You must not have heard the song he played me. Dad heard it. It wasn’t bad at all- it was really, really good, actually.” Tyler peeked over at Zack briefly, only to see him gripping the edges of his chair angrily and narrowing his eyes at their dad. “He played this one about trees. About wanting to get to know God. Is that sacrilegious, dad?”

“Zack, do  _ not _ talk back to-”

“You’re right.”

Tyler froze.

Apparently, so did the rest of the dinner table. One fleeting glance at his mom revealed her wide eyes and dropped jaw, simply staring in shock at her husband. Then his eyes flickered over to his dad, who was looking directly at Tyler now with an intensity that had him cowering and dropping his gaze.

“Tyler, I’ve never seen you happier than you looked behind that piano today,” his dad admitted. “And frankly, I’d rather you write about your feelings about… pain and all those dark things than act on them.” He cleared his throat, and Tyler looked up again, watching his dad fidget and toy his fork around his macaroni. “If this is what you really want to spend your time on, if music is what makes you happy, I won’t stop you from making it.”

Immediately Tyler felt Zack’s hand grasp his shoulder and shake him a little, but his eyes couldn’t tear away from his dad. He vaguely registered Zack raving about his “mad piano skills,” and eventually his gaze was met by his dad’s, a small smile spreading across his face. 

“You’re really good, Tyler,” his dad admitted. “I’m pretty sure we still have a keyboard in storage- an old thing, not sure if it still works, but it’d be in the basement if you wanna mess around with that.” He laughed. “You can practice at home now, instead of sneaking around.”

Tyler felt a laugh escape his throat of its own volition, and only realized it after the fact. He felt happy. Really, truly happy. 

Underneath the dinner table, amid excited chatter about trees and keyboards and rapping, he not so discreetly texted Josh.

tyler: guess whose dad is letting him become a full time musician

cute punk: NO WAY

Tyler beamed. 


	21. judges don't say what you want to hear

“So,” Josh began, giving Tyler a sly wink as they rolled into the Triad student parking lot, earning a roll of Tyler’s eyes and a barely concealed laugh. “What’s next for all star basketball champ, Tyler Joseph?”

“Oh my god, shut up.”

“I mean, you’re a free man now.” Tyler just snorted and shook his head as Josh pulled into a parking spot near the back of the lot.

“Yes, and?”

A stupid grin spread across Josh’s face. “I just need to know when I need to start promoting your debut album.”

“Oh my _god_.”

Josh laughed out loud, tossing one careful glance out the back window as he parked the car, before lunging forward and pressing an apologetic kiss to Tyler’s lips. It effectively rendered Tyler’s brain completely, uselessly blank, a pink tinge blossoming on his cheeks as his eyes dropped to the console between them.

“You’re adorable.”

“Shut up,” Tyler mumbled, absently reaching forward and grasping Josh’s hand in his embarrassment, lacing their fingers together and fixing his gaze on that. “You’re so annoying. I literally don’t know why I’m dating you.”

Josh giggled at that, lifting their connected hands to brush his lips across Tyler’s knuckles, which only worsened the blush on Tyler’s face. “You know you love it.”

“Do I?”

He half expected Josh to continue teasing, as was usual for their interactions like this, but instead he felt warm lips attach to the side of his neck and jumped a little. A sigh escaped his lips after a moment, however, and his head tilted to give Josh access. “I missed you,” Josh muttered against his skin.

“Yeah?” Tyler breathed out. A shudder went up his spine as he felt Josh’s teeth graze ever so slightly along the column of his throat. “How much?”

It felt like such a stereotypical remark to make, but Josh groaned quietly against his neck regardless, and the sound alone clouded Tyler’s mind and halted his rational thoughts. “So much,” was his soft response, muffled slightly by his lips reattaching to Tyler’s neck and trailing further south. “God, Tyler, if we weren’t in public-”

“ _Josh_.” Tyler’s face was practically in flames by now. How a few words and kisses could get him so dizzy with arousal, he’d never know. “Stop it.”

He could hear the smile in Josh’s voice as he continued. “What’s the matter, baby boy?” he teased. Hands slid under Tyler’s shirt and traced up and down his sides lightly, making Tyler shiver. “You don’t wanna hear all the things I want to do to you?” This time Tyler groaned, lifting a hand up to cover his mouth and muffle the noise as his head tipped back instinctively. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful like this. Wanna make you feel so good.”

“Josh,” he croaked out quietly, his free hand moving to grip Josh’s hair as he sucked a hickey under his collarbone, just out of sight. “Josh, _Josh_.”

“Will you come home with me after school?” Josh’s voice was soft, still careful after all this time, still giving Tyler an out if he needed one. It made his heart flutter into his throat and his head fuzzy with an unfamiliar feeling of trust and adoration.

Unsure if his voice could handle speaking up with the feel of Josh’s tongue soothing the sensitive bite now on his chest, he simply nodded sharply, a harsh breath escaping his lips at the sensation.

Josh chuckled, letting his hands slide down Tyler’s sides and out from underneath his shirt to rest on his hips. “Cool,” he murmured and rested his forehead on the crook of Tyler’s neck. A breathy giggle escaped him, which Tyler couldn’t help but reciprocate, and in a moment they were giggling together so freely that Tyler felt hiccups build up in his throat.

“Get off’a me,” Tyler complained jokingly, cut off by another hiccup.

Josh did as asked, but another stupid grin was on his face and it was starting to drive Tyler crazy that he couldn’t be mad at Josh for anything at this point. Not even for giving him hiccups. “You’re adorable.”

“Nuh uh.” _Hic_.

At that Josh collapsed against the driver’s seat in unabashed laughter, exposing his sharp dimples that reached up to crinkles at the corners of his eyes, and though Tyler smacked his arm in retaliation, he knew that there was no heat behind it. Nothing Josh could possibly do at this point would make Tyler like him any less.

And that _terrified_ Tyler. But with Josh grinning and laughing right next to him with those _dimples_ and those _eye crinkles_ and every other little thing Tyler adored about Josh, he really couldn’t bring himself to care.

~

The school day lazed on much slower than Tyler would’ve liked, as if purposefully delaying his next interaction with Josh. Of course, when lunch came around he was at Josh’s side again, but not alone like he wanted- not that he minded Debby, or even Ashley once they’d been introduced to each other properly. He’d just missed his boyfriend in the days he’d been grounded.

Boyfriend. The word weighed heavily on Tyler’s tongue, eager to slip out of his mouth and into the world, but he swallowed it down cautiously and kept it to himself. Truthfully, he was a little glad for the need of secrecy. A selfish part of him wanted desperately to keep Josh, and his relationship with Josh, all to himself. Sometimes it was hard to have no one to talk about Josh’s stupid cute compliments to (though he had a feeling Debby would eagerly fill that void for him), but it was also nice to treasure those words, to use them to stay afloat.

It was the same thing he’d done with his music before, but now that his lyrics and songs were out in the world, it didn’t hold the same saftey net-like value. Even if only his family and Josh had heard them, _people_ had heard them. It wasn’t the same anymore. It hadn’t been tainted, no, but it wasn’t just his.

He hoped, as he packed up his backpack at the end of the day and rushed to wait outside the library, that he could hold onto Josh alone long enough for him to find something lasting to hold onto.

“Hey, monkey boy.”

A bright grin spread wide across Tyler’s face. “Haven’t heard that one in a while,” he mumbled as Josh approached, smirking and throwing a casual arm around Tyler’s shoulders.

“You’re right,” Josh mused, and the two beganthe journey out of the campus and over to Josh’s truck. “But it’s making a comeback. It’s too young to die.”

“Josh, it’s a nickname, not a person.”

“Don’t crush my sentimentality!”

Tyler just giggled and shook his head, instinctively leaning into Josh’s side a little as they maneuvered through the parking lot. “You’re such a dork.”

“Yeah, but you love it.”

“That’s highly debatable.”

The drive to Josh’s home was practically a routine at this point. Tyler had already arranged with his mom to go to Josh’s house and “study,” and had already recieved the go-ahead reply. Josh reached over at a stoplight to grasp Tyler’s hand and interlock their fingers, which made Tyler’s already fluttering heart beat wildly against his chest, but it was familiar. It was nice.

The nice, familiar things just kept coming as Josh pulled up to the side of his house and parked, and the two raced inside. They were stopped by Josh’s mom only momentarily with offerings of snacks, which they promised to make good on later, before making their way upstairs and into Josh’s bedroom.

Tyler inhaled slowly, letting his breath loose with a heavy sigh. Josh’s room was possibly one of the safest rooms he knew. It wasn’t only because of the sheer number of memories he’d made here, but the fact that it was Josh’s, that Josh played those electric drums still in the corner, that the bedsheets smelled like Josh, that Josh lived here. Josh made him feel safe, and this room, his room, was safe by default.

“You alright, Tyjo?”

Tyler blinked a few times before glancing over to Josh, who had already sat down cross legged on his bed, head cocked to the side in curiosity. “Yeah,” he mumbled shyly as he crossed the room to meet Josh, hands reaching out for Josh’s and clasping them gently. “I missed you.”

“Hey.” Tyler’s eyes flicked up and met Josh’s gaze, meeting a warmth of adoration and love that made his cheeks burn. “I missed you, too.” A pause, and Josh was swinging his legs over the side of the bed, arms opening wide. “C’mere, baby.”

Tyler giggled under his breath, but complied, bracing his hands on Josh’s shoulders as he climbed onto the bed and straddled Josh’s lap, then let his arms hook loosely around Josh’s neck. A smile twisted Josh’s lips upward as he leaned forward and pecked Tyler’s lips softly, then again, and again, until they were kissing, long and slow. One of Tyler’s hands slid up the back of Josh’s neck to tangle in his hair as they kissed in an effort to bring him closer. He needed Josh, needed to be as close as possible, needed to be reminded that he was safe, that they were safe.

He felt Josh’s tongue slip across his lips and sighed, felt the world turn and his back hit the bed, mouths never parting for more than a second at a time. But then hands slid under Tyler’s shirt, up and down his sides, then gripped the hem loosely. “Is this okay?”

Tyler started to nod out of habit, but as soon as Josh started pulling his shirt up, _panicked_. “Wait-”

It was too late.

Josh was silent for a moment. It felt as if eternities were passing right before Tyler, silent, horrified eternities, right in front of him. Neither of them moved for the longest time, and the only noise that filled the otherwise deadly silent room was their slow breathing.

“Tyler?”

Immediately his eyes squeezed shut. He braced for impact, for the disgust, for the horror, for the _disappointment_. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, but it did little to hide the shaking.

“Tyler.” He didn’t move. He barely breathed. “Please, Ty…” Tears started to form and spill from the corners of his eyes, and it made him sick. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to be _dead_.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

That was it. A sob finally ripped free from Tyler’s chest, choked and soft and painful. His lips pressed firmly together immediately after he made the sound, but it was too late.

“Tyler, oh Tyler.” There were warm arms wrapped around him suddenly, pulling him up into Josh’s lap once more, holding him tight against Josh’s chest. And he cried. He buried his head in Josh’s chest, eyes still firmly shut, lips still closed, and cried. He could feel Josh’s hands rubbing delicate circles into his back, and it only worsened his pathetic cries. “I’m so sorry. Baby, I’m so sorry.”

“No,” Tyler croaked in between sobs. “Couldn’t tell. You’d… I didn’t… you’d be _disappointed_. I couldn’t.”

“Tyler Joseph.” A hand gripped his chin gently and tilted his head up, then both hands cupped his face and held it there. “Tyler, please look at me.”

It took him a few unsteady, shuddering breaths, but Tyler’s eyes opened. He had to blink a few times to clear tears away, but he could see the sadness on Josh’s face, and it took all of his strength to listen and not cry.

“Tyler,” Josh spoke slowly. His eyes were fixated unwaveringly on Tyler’s, but his voice remained gentle. “I love you. I love you so much, I can’t begin to explain how much you mean to me.” A deep breath. “And yeah. The thought that… you… that you felt like you deserved to hurt yourself, hurts. A lot.” Josh paused, leaning forward slightly to rest his forehead on Tyler’s, letting his eyes flutter shut. “It hurts because you are one of the best, most beautiful, most kind, selfless, wonderful people I’ve ever known. Because you deserve the universe, and if I could give that to you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Because you are so talented, and you are so dedicated to the things you’re into, the things you’re really passionate about, and that’s incredible. You’re incredible.”

Another pause, and Josh’s eyes opened, letting tears spill down his cheeks. Tyler felt as if he’d taken a knife and stabbed it into his own heart, then twisted it a little for good measure before ripping it out and letting the wound bleed. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, Tyler. I love you, and I don’t… I don’t just say that ‘cause we’re dating. I don’t just say that because you’re cute. Which, you are.” Tyler just shook his head feebly, the traces of a smile gracing his lips, and it made Josh chuckle quietly. “I say I love you because I do. I love you. Everything about you. The things you hate about yourself, I love that, too. And maybe it’s really fucking cliche. But I don’t care.” Josh took another deep breath, and his thumbs started to stroke back and forth across Tyler’s cheeks, wiping away stray tears in their wake. “If you ever feel like… like you aren’t worth it, that you deserve the bad things your mind tells you that you do, like nothing is going your way… promise me you’ll come to me?” Josh bit his lip suddenly, and Tyler could hear it. “Please?” The way his voice choked. The tears Josh was holding back, for his sake.

All Tyler could manage was a weak nod, before he simply collapsed against Josh, breathing shallowly and soaking him in. “I promise,” he cried softly, suddenly gripping the front of Josh’s shirt for dear life as Josh rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back once again,

They stayed in each other’s arms, holding each other and comforting each other and relishing in each other, until Tyler’s cries died out and they’d somehow ended up laying on the bed again, this time cuddled up against each other, limbs intertwined. Tyler could feel an exhausted haze setting over his mind, willing him to sleep- something his thoughts hadn’t allowed him to really do in weeks. It felt good to cry. To let out what he’d been holding in for too long.

“You tired, baby?”

Tyler looked up at Josh and nodded, a weak smile on his lips. “Sorry I totally killed the mood,” he mumbled, only half joking.

Josh simply shook his head. “Are you kidding? Your well being is, like, _completely_ more important than making out.”

“Thank you,” Tyler whispered, and his head dropped back onto Josh’s chest. “For everything. I really don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’m not gonna let you find out,” Josh assured him. His arms tightened around Tyler alongside the sentiment, as if affirming that he was, as promised, entirely protective of his boyfriend. “You aren’t gonna get rid of me that easy.”

 _Thank God for that_ , Tyler thought. He could feel himself drifting off, eyes shutting, mind quieting down and focusing on the gentle beat of Josh’s heart, the lull of his breathing. Part of him felt bad for falling asleep on Josh, but the rest of him had finally learned that Josh didn’t care, and as he drifted off to sleep that afternoon on his boyfriend, he figured maybe this life wasn’t too bad to him after all.


	22. you're my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy

Between cramming for finals, spending countless afternoons with Josh doing anything between playing songs at the music store and making out in the back of his truck, and actually taking the aforementioned finals, Tyler found the days before winter break slipping by faster and faster, until they were gone. His last final, his biology final, had been turned in, and he was immediately free to leave the building- a liberty he made good on immediately, stuffing his pencils and binder into his backpack and rocketing out of the room, down the hall, and into the open courtyard. Little breaths of relief filled his lungs as he shuffled his phone out of his backpack and started walking down to the library.

tyler: guess who got out earlyyyy

cute punk: i'm so jealous my teacher won't let us go

tyler: josh dun are you obeying the rules?

As soon as the text had been sent, Tyler couldn't help but giggle to himself, leaning his side against the wall opposite the library doors. He'd been a little wary of Josh's long term reaction to the scars he'd found on Tyler's stomach, but in the end very little had changed. Sure, he'd had to remind Josh at least twice that he wasn't breakable, and that Josh could, in fact, hug him as hard as he wanted to, but once that had been established the only side effect had been extra loving, and in no way would Tyler ever complain about the affection he got from Josh.

Tyler had also started sporting rubber bands on his wrist again. He remembered the moment Josh noticed the band, then the moment the idea clicked in Josh's head, then the bright smile of pride that had spread across his face and caused him to lunge across the bed and kiss Tyler completely breathless. 

tyler: i'll be taking that as a yes 

"Nah," a voice muttered behind him, and right before Tyler could jump in surprise, arms wrapped tightly around his torso and held him close, and a chuckle was muffled into the crook of his neck.

"Jerk," Tyler huffed, but didn't exactly try to shy away from the sudden onslaught of affection, either.

Josh just giggled, nuzzling Tyler's neck for a split second more before loosening his grip and turning Tyler around in his arms. "You looked so lonely over here, and no one's around, and I couldn't help myself. Sue me."

"Maybe I will," Tyler teased, shoving Josh's chest lightly. "I'm super broke anyway."

"Good luck, cause so am I." Tyler tilted his head back and laughed, taking one small shuffle-step back away from Josh. He watched as Josh's eyes trained onto his face, bright and excited as ever, and so warm. "Cmon, monkey boy, I'm hungry. Let's get tacos."

Tyler pumped his fist in the air and turned around, somehow ending up leading the way to the student parking lot. Just a handful of months ago, Josh's truck was completely unfamiliar territory to him. Now it was practically a second home, and he couldn't quite remember what it was like to not spend an unhealthy amount of time in that truck. In fact, he really couldn't remember what it was like to not spend an unhealthy amount of time with Josh at all.

Which, of course, was completely and perfectly fine with him. 

Somewhere along the journey, Josh made his way to Tyler's side, and with a backwards glance at the school, grasped Tyler's hand lightly and laced their fingers together. Tyler's eyes flickered over to meet Josh's immediately, and he gave Josh's hand a soft squeeze. "Josh?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I..." His eyes flickered down to the pavement sheepishly. He wanted to say it. The words had been burning up his throat for ages now, and he wanted nothing more than to finally let them out. "I lo-"

"Hey!"

Tyler's attention immediately broke, diverted to the familiar voice somewhere within the lot. His eyes darted around suddenly, searching, until they landed on the speaker- a big guy shutting the driver door of a little Corolla, smiling brightly his way.

"Michael," he called. His lips quirked up at the corners at the sight of his friend. "What's up, dude?"

Michael took a few steps their direction, and suddenly Tyler was very aware of the _they_ part of his current situation. He could feel the eyes on his, then on the hand connected with Josh's, then on his again.

"Didn't know you had a boyfriend."

He could feel it. Josh loosening his grip very suddenly, the out he was pretty much placing into Tyler's palm, ready to take. 

Tyler squeezed Josh's hand tightly. "Yeah," he admitted sheepishly, glancing briefly at Josh as a little blush spread across his cheeks.

Michael was grinning now. "Cool." He took a few steps forward and outstretched a hand. "Michael Gibson, think I've seen you around."

"Josh Dun." The two shook hands. "How do you two know each other?"

"Our families have been friends since, like, before we were born," Tyler filled in. "We played football together when we were little... he even helped me with... early music, kind of."

Michael barked out a loud laugh. "Has he shown you TB Saga yet?"

"Michael-"

At that, Josh's eyes lit up. "TB Saga?"

"Oh, dude, you've gotta hear it."

"Michael, I swear-"

"This kid really loves Taco Bell-"

"I was like, a  _ kid _ ," Tyler whined, ducking his head into Josh's shoulder to hide his now burning face as the two boys laughed. "Cut me some slack."

"You wrote it freshman year, dork," Michael snickered. "Cmon, it's funny."

Josh nodded affirmatively, nudging Tyler's head with his own, then when Tyler refused to come out of hiding, settled for leaning his head on his boyfriend's. "I really need to hear this."

"Hey, you can hit me up anytime, man."

"I hate you both," Tyler muttered. 

"No, you don't."

"He totally doesn't."

When Tyler finally peeked up at the two of them, Michael was giving him possibly one of the biggest smiles he'd ever seen on his friend. "We should hang out sometime over break, yeah?" he suggested. "I feel like I haven't seen you in so long. And I'm clearly missing out on some quality Joseph roasting."

"You guys are awful," he complained, but there was an unshakable smile on his lips as he started to tow Josh away from the conversation and over to the grey truck. "I'll text you over break, Michael."

"I'll see you later. Good meeting you, Dun."

"You, too!"

As soon as Michael was out of sight, Josh ducked his head down to kiss Tyler's cheek and whisper in his ear, "... So, TB Saga, huh?"

"I'm breaking up with you."

Josh just laughed, and in the brief moment their hands had parted, they clambered up into the truck. “Michael seems nice,” he commented. “I wonder…”

“... You wonder what?”

At that, Josh simply wiggled his eyebrows and started the truck. “That’s for me to know,” he teased, revving the engine, “and you to find out.”

Tyler groaned, slumping against the seat. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Nope.” When Tyler huffed, Josh reached one hand over and grasped his, brushing his thumb over the back of Tyler’s hand. “It’ll be worth it, I pinky promise.”

With a defeated sigh, Tyler lifted Josh’s hand, kissing his knuckles lightly before leaning his cheek on it. “I trust you.”

Josh shot him another bright smile. “I love you.”

In his chest, Tyler’s heart fluttered. 


	23. the wages of war will start inside my head with my counterpart

cute punk: hey monkey boy

tyler: what do you want from me

cute punk: would you consider red a normal hair color

tyler: yeah why

Incoming Picture: (1)

With an internal groan, Tyler tapped the image and prayed his boyfriend hadn't sent something explicit- not now, at least. He was currently seated on the couch in the basement with his little brother, Jay, playing Super Smash Bros and listening disinterestedly to his mom drone about whatever winter dance their church was hosting next week and how he should ask one of the very nice girls from youth group to go with him. He'd shown little to no interest in the dance in question, but nodded along regardless if only to appease his mother. There was no fighting her, no fight that he had the slightest chance of winning. 

But his mother eventually made her way back upstairs, and Tyler took the pause between one game and the next to open the picture.

There, before his very eyes, Josh was grinning way too excitedly at the camera as he held up a box of hair dye, which showed a model sporting some very bright red hair.

tyler: oh my god are you gonna

cute punk: do you even know me

tyler: i wanna help

cute punk: can i come get you now

tyler: of course you already bought it

tyler: one sec

"Who's that?" his brother's voice suddenly sounded next to him, and Tyler was suddenly very aware that he was losing his discreet touch when texting Josh when his parents weren't around.

"A friend."

"You have a friend with blue hair," Jay whispered near reverently. "That's so cool."

Tyler just laughed. "Don't tell mom, though, I think she'd have a heart attack."

"Can I meet him?"

At that, Tyler simply shrugged. "Maybe." He paused, glancing back at the little electric piano set up on a wobbly plastic table next to a cheap laptop, littered excessively with wires he hoped he could hook up to the laptop and record with. "Do you think we could fit a drum kit down here?"

"I dunno, why?"

Tyler just stared at the scant space between the couches and his shabby recording setup. "He's a drummer."

A moment after the thought of drums crossed his mind, the thought of getting permission to leave his house did.

_ Oh. _

So, it took a little longer than usual to give Josh the okay to pick him up, given that it was winter break and Tyler couldn't exactly use studying as an excuse to go to Josh's house when there was nothing to study. So, he chose a different approach.

"Dad?" Tyler hovered just outside his dad's office, a little nervously, shuffling one foot back and forth as he waited for a response.

"Yeah, Ty?"

"Uh... is it okay if I go to a friend's house to work on music?" The words blurted right out of his mouth before he could calculate them, hanging in the open air for his dad to scrutinize.

He watched his dad pause, turn slightly in his leather chair, and look Tyler in the eye. "Of course," he answered. "Which friend?"

At that, Tyler swallowed harshly. "Uh, do you remember... Josh Dun? With, uh... I mean... he has blue hair." 

His dad chuckled a little, but nodded. "Yeah, administration has a hard time keeping that one in check." But then his dad smiled, nodding again and waving Tyler off. "You go on, don't worry about your mom. I know there's some kind of… _different_ air around that boy, but he's a good kid. Does really well in all his classes, raised in a God fearing house." His dad shrugged. "Your mom and I may struggle to keep from judging a book by its cover, but I want you to judge people by their heart, alright?"

Tyler could only nod sharply, eyes wide in some form of grateful shock. "Yeah. Of course. Thanks, dad."

"Go on, kiddo. And have fun, okay?" And Tyler scampered off.

~

"Okay," Josh began before Tyler could raise questions about the plastic cap on Josh's head as he climbed into the truck. "I can explain."

"You're ridiculous."

Josh shrugged noncommittally, then revved the engine and started to drive. "I have to get the color out of my hair before i can dye it again," he explained. "And the color I bought came with a lightener, so I just used that. But I didn't want it to dry out on the way over, so my mom..." He gestured vaguely at the plastic cap with one hand.

Tyler couldn't help but snort. "It's a fashion statement for sure."

"Oh, shut up," Josh complained, but there was a bright smile spread across his face anyway.

It was a matter of familiar minutes before they pulled up in front of Josh's house and hopped out- Josh moved a little faster than usual, Tyler noted, and definitely snickered at. Mrs. Dun greeted them from the living room, sat on the couch with a magazine she looked up from to smile and say hello. Tyler couldn't help but feel himself relax a little at how familiar Josh's house had become, like another little home away from home. It was a good feeling, he decided. A feeling he liked, and wanted to keep.

But soon enough the two scampered upstairs, Tyler trailing behind curiously as Josh sidetracked into the bathroom. "I can take this stuff out in a little bit," he informed Tyler. Josh then pointed proudly at the box of bright red dye on the counter. "What do you think?"

"Luscious Raspberries, huh?"

Josh simply pouted. "It was the brightest red they had, don't judge me."

"Mmm... I'm not judging, 'course not..." Immediately Josh yanked Tyler into his arms and nuzzled his face into Tyler's neck, grasping his sides lightly and making Tyler jump from the tickling sensation. "If you tickle me, I _swear_ -"

"M'not gonna tickle you," Josh muttered, leaving a few soft kisses on Tyler's neck, working his way up to Tyler's chin, then pecking his lips ever so gently. "Pinky promise."

Tyler grinned. 

The routine of washing out bleach, then drying it, then applying fairly neon hair color passed with Tyler perched on the bathroom counter, watching Josh bite his tongue in concentration as he worked the color close to his scalp, but not quite there. A few drops of red dye splattered onto Josh's forehead, which Tyler dutifully cleaned off with a tissue, and onto the collar of his shirt, which Josh insisted was old anyway, and the red splatters made it look cooler. 

"It looks like you killed a man," Tyler joked, "with dark pink blood."

Josh tipped his head back- very carefully- and laughed, grasping for the hair cap again. "How'd you know?"

"The dye stains don't lie."

As soon as the cap was on, Josh sauntered over in between Tyler's legs, leaning his head close to Tyler's. "I can't have you knowing my secret, you know."

Tyler mock gasped. "What are you gonna do to me, then?"

A slow grin spread across Josh's face, but before Tyler could voice his concern, Josh reached forward and seized Tyler's sides with his fingertips, making Tyler jolt and claw at Josh's arms, a half laugh half shriek tearing from his throat. He was about to complain about the broken pinky promise and possibly threaten murder, when soft lips attached to the side of his neck and hands gripped his waist gently. 

"You're awful," Tyler mumbled, still shoving a little less purposefully at Josh's hands. Teeth scraped against the crook of Tyler's neck, and he gasped, immediately melting against Josh.

"You were saying?"

"Shut up."

"No, I don't think that's what you were saying."

Tyler just groaned, shoving at Josh's shoulders and watching with a forced frown as Josh just smirked triumphantly at him. "You're so annoying."

"You love it."

"Highly debatable."

But Josh's smile was a little too irresistible, and his kisses were a little too nice, and soon enough they were back in Josh's room, watching reruns of Ghost Adventures on Josh's laptop and exchanging lazy kisses every few minutes. 

One too long and too ridiculous episode later, Josh was back in the bathroom rinsing out his hair and probably turning his sink a similar shade of neon pink as the drips on his shirt. Tyler slid the laptop away, shutting it carefully before setting it on the floor and curling up on his side. He watched the bathroom door mindlessly, listening in on the soft sound of rushing water, splashes and sputtering and chuckles of approval, that morphed into the loud rush of a hair dryer minutes later. His eyes drooped shut eventually, the distant white noise lulling him into some sort of not quite slumber. He wasn't quite sure how much time past between Josh drying his hair and climbing back into bed next to Tyler, but as soon as his boyfriend returned his eyes fluttered open, greeting warm browns and bright, bright red hair.

"Looks really good, Josh," Tyler murmured appreciatively. He reached up and combed his fingers through the hair softly, watching the light catch it in places and show the pink-blue undertones. "I like it."

"Me too."

A comfortable silence settled over them as Tyler nuzzled his head into Josh's chest, eyes drooping shut again. He hadn't realized just how tired he felt until he'd had the chance to relax. His mind was constantly buzzing, jumping from one thought to the next, one fear to another. It always seemed to quiet a little when Josh was around. He didn't fear Josh's judgement, Josh's disdain. 

"You make me feel safe," Tyler whispered suddenly. He felt Josh shift at the sentiment, felt his arms tighten around him, and smiled into his shirt. "Josh?"

"Yeah?"

A pause. Josh didn't press it, so he continued. "How did you know you liked guys, and girls, too?"

Another pause. Josh shifted again, moving one arm to reach the small of Tyler's back and rub small circles there. "I don't know," he started thoughtfully. "I'd always liked girls. That's what they tell you, you know, guys like girls, girls like guys, that's how it is." Tyler peeked up at Josh a little and watched him frown. "It wasn't until, like... freshman year that I started seeing guys the same way I saw girls, and I started wondering if... y'know, all the old people were wrong about that. If guys could like guys, too." 

Josh caught Tyler's gaze then, and he leaned down to nudge Tyler's nose with his as his lips tipped up into a tiny smile. "I just like people, y'know? Is there a word for that? I just like people. I don't get crushes on guys or girls or whatever, I like who they are. What they're like." 

"Google it," Tyler teased lightly, reaching up to cup the back of Josh's neck as he giggled. "That makes sense, though. Just liking people."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Josh leaned down a little more then, letting their lips brush together as his smile widened. "I like you."

A short laugh burst from Tyler's lips. "I like you, too," he murmured. "Dork."

"You love it."

Tyler just rolled his eyes, shifting his head upward just enough so their lips could meet, so he could draw Josh down into a long, slow kiss, before muttering, "yeah, I do." 


	24. we're driving toward the morning, son

_ "Sometimes we will die and sometimes, _ __  
_ we will fly away. _ __  
_ Either way you're by my side,  _ __  
_ until my dying day. _ __  
_ And if I'm not there, and I'm _ __  
_ far away, I said, _ _  
_ __ don't be afraid."

Tyler stared at the keyboard blankly for a beat, letting his fingers shift to the next chord without thought.

_ "I said, don't be afraid. _ _  
_ _ We're going home." _

His fingers plunked out the main riff again, and Tyler caught himself sighing. Sure, he'd been working on this song for days now, ever since winter break had ended, and the transitions just never seemed right. The rap, it just didn't seem right. It felt wrong. Like something vital, a core piece of the sound, was missing. 

"What's that?" a voice somewhere behind Tyler piped up. Tyler turned around a little on the chair that had become his makeshift piano bench and faced his dad.

"A new song I'm working on," Tyler explained, with a short glance back at the notebook full of lyrics and chord names scribbled across lines of paper. 

"I'll say," his dad chuckled. "You've been going at the same song for hours, you know."

Tyler ducked his head a little and laughed. "Yeah." It quickly dawned on him that his family hadn't seen him in work-mode before, that this new, intensely focused Tyler Joseph was news to them, a side of their son or brother that was just now coming to light in the wake of a keyboard in the basement and a promise that his music was welcome in their home. 

"Something just seems off," Tyler complained softly. "I have it all written out, you know, all the music and the lyrics. I have the arrangement, but it's..."

His dad cocked his head to the side in what Tyler took as mild confusion or understandable bewilderment, but he hummed thoughtfully. "Hey, why don't you bring your music friend over?"

Tyler gaped a little at his dad, before quickly covering up the action by turning a little toward the keyboard again. "What, you mean Josh?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched his dad nod. "Sure, I mean, he's a drummer, isn't he? Maybe you could see if that's what's missing from your song."

And then, it clicked. Suddenly Tyler's mind was filled with percussion, beats to match the strange rhythm of Taxi Cab, and he was very suddenly hit with a wave of  _ of course that's what's missing _ . Josh. 

"Yeah," Tyler agreed. "I could see if he'd be willing to bring his electric drums over, maybe?" Tyler could feel his mind whirring a mile a minute now, coming up with ways they could record the songs onto the family desktop, free software he could download, and he was suddenly reeling with excitement. "If that's okay?" he made sure to add, looking to his dad for approval.

His dad, however, was beaming. "Of course," he assured Tyler. "Why don't you call him up? He's welcome over anytime."

Tyler thought he might have started crying right then and there, but he nodded fervently, fully turning to the keyboard to grasp his phone and scroll through his recent messages to find Josh's contact. "Thanks, dad," he managed as he typed. 

"Anytime, kiddo."

As the basement door clicked softly shut, Tyler jumped out of his seat and immediately started pacing behind the couch. 

tyler: hey josh what are you doing right this second

cute punk: is this a subtle way to tell me to come get you or

tyler: no come over

tyler: like to my house

cute punk: wait what

With a choked sounding laugh, Tyler pressed call, and his pacing sped up.

"Come over?"

Tyler snickered, bouncing a little giddily as he paced. "My dad heard me working on music, and he said that I could invite you over to help me any time."

A beat. "Whoa, for real?"

"Yeah!" Tyler cheered. He paused a little, fiddling with the hem of his shirt as he paced. "I mean, if you want to. You don't have-"

"Of course I want to," Josh cut him off, chuckling a little. "Tyler Joseph, it'd be an honor to play music with you."

Tyler grinned. "Bring your drums over, then, drummer man. I have a song to show you.”

~

_ "And then one turned around to say, _ __  
_ we're driving toward the morning, son, _ __  
_ where all your blood is washed away _ _  
_ __ and all you did will be undone."

He watched as Josh nodded along to the rhythm of the song out of the corner of his eye, watching Tyler's fingers plunk out chords as he flung words and phrases into the open air against the almost metallic sounding electric keyboard. He wrapped the song up softly, pressing the keys much slower than before, giving the notes a softer sound than before. 

As soon as the last chord faded out, Tyler dropped his hands into his lap and peeked over at Josh, who was grinning brightly at him now.

"It sounds so sick, Tyler," he praised, nodding along with his words. "I love it." In response, Tyler just shrugged, and Josh nudged him with his elbow gently. "Cmon, it's incredible. You've got a way with words, that's for sure."

Tyler giggled and dropped his gaze. "It's missing the beat, though,” he explained. “I love the instrumental sound, but I want this song to be fuller than that. You know?” 

Josh nodded thoughtfully and glanced back at the electric drums he'd hauled down into the basement and reassembled there- only so he could dismantle it again later and haul it back home. "If you wanna start playing again, I can try and come up with something along the way?"

"That'd be awesome," Tyler agreed. Josh grinned again as he stood from the edge of the piano chair he'd been sharing with Tyler, and for a moment Tyler frowned at the loss of warmth. Then apparently Josh had noticed that, because a split second later he was glancing at the basement door, which was cracked open just a sliver, and wrapped his arms around Tyler firmly, nuzzling the crook of Tyler's neck. 

"I love you," Josh whispered into the skin beneath his ear. "I'm so proud of you."

All Tyler could do was sigh and lean into Josh's embrace for the scant amount of time he lingered there, relished in the quick kiss Josh left beneath his ear before backing away reluctantly, a sour look briefly on his lips before he grasped the drumsticks and sat on the little black stool behind the drums. 

"Ready when you are, Ty."

Tyler took a slow, deep breath, and nodded. Again his fingers fell onto the keys, shifting into place as his foot slid over to the sustain pedal. He took another moment to glance over the notebook page of notes and lyrics and chords- as if he really needed to, as if he hadn't been playing the same song nearly all day and had it pretty much memorized at this point- and began to play.

_ "I wanna fall inside your ghost,  _ __  
_ and fill up every hole inside my mind. _ __  
_ And I want everyone to know, _ _  
_ __ that I am half a soul divided."

The beginning remained soft and slow, focus automatically shifting to the piano melody, the words. Then the chorus hit, then the verse following, and he could hear Josh tapping out a beat along to the rhythm of the song. Then it became a little louder, not overpowering, but accompanying. Then it clicked in Tyler's head, the full sound of Taxi Cab. 

As the rap hit, Josh's drums became a bit simpler, and with one sideways glance before he took a breath, Tyler watched his boyfriend's intense focus on the beat, on adjusting and tapping and hitting and following, watched his tongue poke out between his teeth and his lips spread into a wide smile as he met Tyler's gaze. He kept his gaze locked with Josh's the entire rap, as if serenading Josh with them, sending the words to Josh as he rapped them, like he desperately needed Josh to know just how much he cared, just how much he needed him, how much he treasured him, and conveying the overwhelming feeling through music was the only way he knew how. 

_ "I said, don't be afraid,  
I said, don't be afraid!" _

Tyler had started to outright cry as the rap ended, and he very quickly forced himself to shift his gaze onto the keyboard as his fingers hit them forcefully, plunking the last few chords out like his life depended on it, before shaking lessening the force and squeezing his eyes shut to make up for the pressure as he let the last few chords fade out.

There was a beat of silence after the song ended, a moment of nothing save for the tears now streaming down Tyler's face, until he felt warmth surround him, felt Josh wordlessly leave the drums and hold him tightly. 

"Sorry," Tyler mumbled, leaning his head on Josh's chest. "The words... they just, you know... they mean a lot, I..."

"Don't apologize, baby," Josh murmured gently, rubbing his back a little as he edged onto the corner of the chair beside Tyler. "God, Tyler, you're so talented. You could change lives performing like that."

Tyler just sniffled out a laugh. "Yeah, right."

"I mean it. You definitely changed mine."

A soft, choked off sob escaped Tyler's throat in response, and Josh's arms simply tightened around his torso. He found himself nuzzling into Josh as much as possible, letting himself be held and reassured in the wake of exposing his soul, his words, his livelihood, to someone he cherished this much. 

They remained connected for a few lingering moments until there was a creak on the stairway, and Tyler found his eyes flickering up to meet Josh's in mild terror. Josh dropped his arms from around him, but remained as close as would likely be socially acceptable for two good friends, as the basement door pushed open slightly, revealing Zack.

Tyler tensed, ready for... well, he wasn't sure what. But instead of acting as incredulously as he tended to when talking about Josh before, Zack simply sized up the pair. “So, you play the drums?”

“Yeah.”

Zack grinned. “Cool.”


	25. your twisted thoughts are like snow on the rooftops

Usually Tyler loved Christmas, but this year in particular he'd dreaded it, at least a little. Maybe it was because he and his parents had barely started getting along again, or because a break from writing lyrics and practically living seated at his keyboard, sounded awful. 

In the end, it was a lot because it meant two very big days away from Josh, and he was none too happy about it. It felt a bit clingy to Tyler, like he was already far too attached to his boyfriend, yet when Christmas Eve rolled around and his parents told him to dress nice for a party, Tyler had to physically fight the urge to sink into his bed and mope. 

tyler: my parents are dragging me out to a church party SOS

cute punk: i'm so sorry

tyler: kidnap me please

cute punk: i would if we weren't having """quality fam time""" at the dun house

tyler: yeah but your family is cool

cute punk: that's fair

With an aggravated sigh, Tyler gave in and dressed himself in his nicest slacks and a crisp, red button down shirt. The color reminded him of a muted version of his boyfriend's fire engine red hair, and the notion made him relax the slightest bit, made him feel the slightest bit safer.

"Tyler!" his mom's shrill voice called from downstairs. "We're leaving in five minutes!"

"I'll be down in just a second!"

As an afterthought, Tyler pocketed his phone, giving the bedroom a once over. He could feel the pull toward his bed strengthen, but the fear of his mother's wrath won out, and Tyler made his way out and down the stairs, smoothing down his shirt and heading toward the door. 

They'd been invited, apparently, to a church Christmas party hosted by the Ryan family. It could've been worse. He knew Debby, and liked Debby- she was a nice girl. But if he knew his mother- and he surely did- they'd be shoved together every second of the entire night, and his annoyance at his overbearing mother would end up winning out against any fondness toward Debby. 

It took only a short drive around to a conjoined neighborhood, and the Joseph family was piling out of the minivan and over to a large, ornately decorated house. Standing out front was Mrs. Ryan with a warm smile and open arms. 

"Kelly, it's good to see you!" 

At the door behind Mrs. Ryan, Tyler could vaguely see a familiar head of long red hair, and he immediately shuffled toward the figure. There was Debby, peeking out from around the doorway, wearing a silky blue dress and accompanying black cardigan she looked relatively uncomfortable in. Tyler offered her a sympathetic smile, which she returned. 

"All the 'kids'," she explained, using air quotes, "are downstairs, if you wanna join us." She glanced past Tyler to his siblings as she spoke, offering them a friendly smile. 

"Sounds good," Tyler replied, and a moment later Debby grasped his wrist and led him inside.

As soon as they made it into the living room, a large space with adults scattered about, eating, drinking, and chattering. Debby leaned close to Tyler as she led him through the room, speaking softly enough for only him to hear. "The parents never check downstairs," she murmured secretively. "Everyone's watching old Christmas cartoons or binge eating junk food, they won't do anything except call us to dinner to say grace."

Tyler shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

As Debby opened the door to the basement and started skipping down the steps, a bright grin spread across her face, and for a moment he kind of feared whatever she might be planning. But she paid no mind to any of the other kids crowding the scant space around the TV, instead yanking Tyler aside, down a small hallway that led to a few closed doors. 

"Listen," she whispered, glancing briefly toward the crowd of kids glued to the TV around the corner. "Usually I'd be really worried about my parents catching anyone down here, but I love you guys too much to let the fucking _holidays_ keep you away from each other, alright?"

Immediately Tyler's eyes widened, mouth parting in the effort to voice his confusion, but then Debby was shoving open the door to what he assumed was a guest bedroom, and then the door was swinging shut behind him, leaving him in a dimly lit room with- Josh.

At first, Tyler just stared in mild shock. Just a minute ago he'd been moping around missing his boyfriend, doomed to mingle with judgemental parents and their pristine children, yet here he was, just inches away from the boy he'd been missing. He'd definitely have to thank Debby for that one later. Much later, though.

Tyler rushed forward as the door clicked shut behind him, wrapping his arms tightly around Josh's neck and sighing happily into his shoulder. He felt Josh's strong arms envelop him in firm warmth, holding their bodies as close together as possible. 

"S'good to see you too, baby," Josh chuckled, kissing the top of his head.

Tyler just sighed again. "Missed you," he muttered, combing his fingers absently through Josh's hair. "Best Christmas present ever."

Warm fingers tapped the underside of Tyler's chin, and he reluctantly lifted his head from the warmth of Josh's neck to looked up and meet his gaze. His warm brown eyes were smoldering, but not quite in that hungry way. It was comforting and familiar, it was... _nice_.

"Look up," Josh murmured, a small smirk forming on his lips. Tyler knew what it was before he even tilted his head back. But he did it regardless, immediately breaking into a wide grin, a long laugh escaping his lips. 

Faux mistletoe was taped to the ceiling.

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

" _Well_."

"Mmhmm?"

Tyler giggled up at the ceiling once more, before tilting his head back down to meet Josh's gaze. "Yeah."

"Yeah?"

A small nod. Josh tilted his head down just a little, letting their heavy breaths mingle in the slight space between their lips. It was their first kiss all over again, hesitant, careful, every bit of contact drawn out and treasured. Tyler lifted up onto his toes the smallest bit and connected their lips himself, fingers tangling into the hair at the nape of Josh's neck, and immediately Josh slid his hands down to grasp Tyler's hips, yanking their bodies firmly together and deepening the kiss. 

Tyler felt his head spinning from the contact alone, reeling in every which direction just from being this close to Josh again. It was different, just seeing Josh and hugging him every now and then while they worked on music at his house, it was different seeing him at school and simply being in each other's presence, holding hands when they were alone. It was still good, still mind boggling good- he hadn't known he could love someone's presence as much as he loved Josh's. But moments like this, moments where he could lose himself in Josh, moments where Josh kissed the cold right out of him- those were his favorites.

"Josh," he gasped out suddenly, as Josh slid his hands down to Tyler's thighs and gripped them before lifting Tyler up and backing him up against the wall. He whimpered a little at the action, legs instinctively wrapping firmly around Josh's waist. 

"I missed you, baby boy," Josh whispered hoarsely, leaving a hot, wet trail of kisses down the side of Tyler's neck. "My baby boy. Love you so much."

Tyler whined, starting to squirm slightly in frustration. "Kiss me," he begged, and with a quiet moan Josh complied, lifting one hand to cup the side of Tyler's face, still gripping his hip with the other. 

He didn't quite realize it when his back left the wall again, or when they were moving, and he barely registered the comforter against the back of his head as he was lowered to the guest bed, he was too focused on Josh's lips against his, on the tongue licking between his lips, the mouth swallowing his whimpers and whines as they fought to perpetually stay as close together as possible. His hands scrambled for purchase at the backs of Josh's shoulders, pressing their chests together as Josh's lips broke away from Tyler's again, this time planting rough kisses up Tyler's jaw, ghosting over the shell of his ear.

"I didn't mean to get too carried away," Josh admitted in a small murmur. "Just missed you. Missed this."

Tyler sucked in a deep breath as he nodded, grasping Josh's jaw with one hand and turning his head gently so their gazes met. "Me too," he assured his boyfriend. He wasn't sure how wrecked he looked after such a short amount of time, but if Josh's flushed cheeks and hooded eyes were any indicators, he was probably just as bad. 

"Wanna slow down?" Josh offered, shifting onto his side a little, as if to give Tyler space.

Instead, Tyler rolled over and straddled Josh, connecting their lips once more and rolling his hips purposefully. A choked moan escaped Josh's lips, and Tyler drank it up greedily, relishing in the hands that grasped his ass and guided his hips, in the lips moving with his, the musky smell mixed with some kind of cottony softness that he'd grown to love and recognize as unabashedly Josh, that always filled his senses and made him dizzy with want, with happiness, with safety. 

"Shit," Josh choked out as they rocked against each other, head dropping back against the pillows as he took in a shuddering breath. "Tyler,  _ fuck _ ."

The noises Josh made only went to his head, and to his dick, and he rocked a little harder, dipping his head down to kiss and lick at Josh's neck tentatively, sighing into his skin.

"Tyler,  _ Tyler- _ " A wicked grin crossed Tyler's face, and with newfound confidence he trailed kisses all over Josh's neck, nipping ever so lightly every now and then, drinking in Josh's every noise greedily. "Shit,  _ baby boy _ ."

"What's the matter, daddy?" Tyler teased, slowing his grinding tauntingly, unwavering attention focused on the euphoric expression that crossed Josh's face. "You seem...  _ flustered _ ."

"Fuck," Josh growled, grabbing Tyler's hips and tossing him to the bed, moving to hover over him again and crash their lips together. Teeth knocked against teeth at first, limbs tangled as they found their rhythm again, ending up tangled up together on their sides, crushing their bodies as close together as they could. 

Eventually, the two settled further against each other, slowing the rough kiss to a lazier one, a more relaxed, indulgent meeting of lips than before. Tyler couldn't bring himself to withdraw the leg that he'd slung over Josh's hip somewhere along the way, or his grip on Josh's dress shirt he felt the tiniest bit bad about for wrinkling, but Josh didn't seem to mind and he was grateful for the close contact.  Then the slow kiss became an occasional soft peck of lips, making Tyler giggle into Josh's mouth every time they met.  "Hey," Josh murmured, a small smile on his lips.

"Hey." Instead of going in for another peck, Tyler leaned his forehead against Josh's, letting out a sigh. "I miss this."

"Mmm?" Another soft peck, and a giggle from Tyler. "Me too, baby."

Tyler exhaled quietly, shifting himself around so he could lay his head on Josh's chest comfortably. "Josh?"

"Yeah?" His eyes squeezed shut, and for that moment he fell silent. A hand started to comb through his hair soothingly, and he focused on the gentle touch. "It's okay, Tyler. I'm here." Tyler just shook his head, burrowing further into Josh's chest. "Hey." 

"What?"

"Baby, look at me." With a small whine, Tyler lifted his head to look at Josh. "I love you. I'm here, okay? And I'm not going anywhere."

Tyler swallowed hard, but he managed a nod. "I'm scared."

"Why?"

Suddenly Tyler's grip on Josh's shirt tightened, and his hands started to shake. He felt Josh's hands come to cover them, felt his thumbs rubbing the backs of his hands soothingly, trying to calm him, but his mind buzzed regardless.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Tyler admitted. There was a beat of silence following the confession, and his gaze dropped to Josh's chest, to the wrinkles his nervous fingers had left on his shirt, but Josh didn't interrupt so he kept rambling. "In general. I mean, I know I'm nowhere near graduating and having to start some career, or get some degree, but I... I think about it a lot. About where I'm going, what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't know. And all the adults say that I've got time, I'm so young, and I've got time to figure it out. But I don't see that. I feel like... I have to figure it out now, that every second I'm not doing something is wasted. And I don't have that much time, and I..." He watched as Josh pried his hands off his shirt and instead intertwined their fingers, grasping Tyler's shaking hands in his warm ones, comforting him as he let the words spill from his mouth without thought.

"I've been writing so much lately. Songs, lyrics, poems. Every second. I'm always recording things, making note of things, doing things. Creating things. Because it makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, something that isn't a waste." He took a deep breath. "I don't know what I'm trying to say. I... I'm scared of the future, you know? I'm scared of growing up and not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing with myself, and having all these questions I have now but with no answers, and... and at the same time, I just..."

"Baby," he faintly heard Josh whisper, and he was pulled firmly against Josh's chest, wrapped up in his arms, held close. "Oh, Tyler."

Tyler sucked in a shaky breath and squeezed his eyes shut. "All I know is that... I don't wanna lose you anywhere along the way. I wanna keep you with me, wherever I end up. And maybe that's stupid cause we're both young and... and maybe I'm just dumb for thinking about the rest of my life so much, where I'm going, what I'm doing, and maybe I'm ruining the present because all I can think about is my purpose in the world but... when I'm with you, I don't think about those things as much." Slowly, Tyler lifted his head again to look at Josh. He swallowed harshly, trying to take in the glossy, wide-eyed and awe-filled look on Josh's face. "I'm scared... because I'm feeling things I didn't think I was capable of. For... for _you_. Like, really _strong_ feelings. You mean so much to me, you're... so important to me, and it’s new and it’s _scary_.”

Josh nodded. “I know the feeling.”

“I know,” Tyler whispered faintly. “Josh, I…” The arms around Tyler tightened just enough for him to notice. With shaking hands, Tyler reached up and cupped Josh’s face in both his hands. “I _love_ you, Josh.”

For a long, heavy moment, Josh simply stared in awe, mouth parted and eyes widening at Tyler, making him want to hide away and attack Josh with affection all at once. It was Josh, however, who launched at Tyler and peppered his entire face in kisses, sighing and giggling and pouring out affection all over him. 

“God, Tyler, I love you so much,” he mumbled. When Josh finally pulled back to look at him, there were tears in his eyes, and Tyler felt the stab in his chest as it seared through him. “I’m so proud of you, baby. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Tyler insisted in a small mutter, but Josh was having none of it. He swallowed up Tyler’s words in a long kiss, hands tangling in Tyler’s hair, arms locking protectively around him, holding him close, drawing out the moment for as long as they possibly could. 

They remained a mere tangle of limbs for what felt like hours, nuzzling together and whispering sweet nothings to each other, giggling in dizzy happiness merely at each other's presence. It wasn't long, however, until there was a rapid knock at the door, followed by a small creak as it opened just slightly.

"Is it safe to come in?" A voice squeaked. It was Debby.

Josh just rolled his eyes, before sitting up and resting his back on the headboard, pulling Tyler up with him and practically onto his lap. "Yes, mother," he teased, pressing a small kiss to Tyler's temple as Tyler laughed.

The door opened just a little wider, and Debby shuffled in slightly, giving the two boys a look. "We're starting dinner in just a minute," she informed them. "Thought I'd give you a heads up. We have to go up to say grace, but the kids and all are eating downstairs, so you can hide away and make out afterward."

Tyler couldn't help but duck his head into the crook of Josh's neck, blushing furiously as Josh laughed. "We'll be out in just a second." 

With one final roll of her eyes, Debby retreated and shut the door behind her.

Only once he'd heard the click of the door did Tyler lift his head again, still red in the face, but smiling. "Wait, is your family here?"

"Yup," Josh answered. "Debby's folks actually get along pretty well with mine- or at least, they pretend to pretty well. We just go to different churches, so we're usually not at the parties they have. But Debby insisted they invite us this year-" there Josh smirked, leaning in and nudging Tyler's nose lightly with his own, "and I think I know why."

"Mmm, is that so?"

"Yeah," Josh murmured, leaning in just a little closer, letting their lips barely brush together. "... Her mom's brownies are amazing."

Tyler barked out a laugh, rolling himself out of Josh's lap and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, pretending to look at least mildly offended as Josh snickered. "You're ridiculous."

"You love me."

A bright, joyful grin spread across Tyler's lips, and he crawled back over to Josh, grasping his face with both hands and pulling him into one more kiss, and one more, and one more... "Yeah, I do."


	26. he is falling in love, he knows it's enough

It was slow going the next morning, groggily rolling around his bed and groping for his phone to silence the ringing alarm that just wouldn't shut off, until it was cut off- _finally_ \- and he could roll over face down into his pillow and grumble.

"Cmon, Ty," he vaguely registered Zack muttering, shoving his limp body a little as he shuffled toward the door. "We're reading in, like, five minutes."

Immediately Tyler groaned and rolled onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. Of course, of all mornings to want to absolutely not move a limb and promptly fall back asleep, it was Christmas Day. 

_ Go figure.  _

With a groan, Tyler shoved himself upright, glancing over as Zack scampered out of the room. He heard various footsteps rushing downstairs- vaguely, he could see his little sister rushing across the hall in over-sized, snowflake patterned pajamas. As soon as she had disappeared, he saw her little head poke into his bedroom, a silly grin on her face.

"Tyler," Madison drawled, sort of hanging off the doorframe as she lamented, earning a short laugh from the still very not awake Tyler. "Will you carry me downstairs?"

"You can walk, Maddy."

That earned him an incredulous pout. "Tyler,  _ pleeease _ ?"

With a roll of his eyes, Tyler slid himself out the side of his bed, mock grumbling under his breath as he made his way over to Madison, who was grinning gleefully in triumph. He crouched down beside her, unable to keep a smile off his face. "Hop on."

With a tiny squeak, Madison clambered onto his back, latching her arms tightly around Tyler's neck. Tyler lifted up, hooking his arms around Madison's legs for support, and began the trek out into the hall and downstairs, fueled by Madison's giggling as he went. He was tired, but hell, he had a soft spot for his siblings. 

"Madison, be nice to your brother," he heard his mother admonish as they rounded the corner into the living room, and Tyler lowered back to the ground, allowing Madison to climb off his back and scramble into a criss-cross position beside the tree. 

"It's nothing," Tyler laughed, shuffling over to ruffle Madison's hair playfully, snorting when she shrieked and swatted his hands away. "She weighs, like, two pounds."

Eventually the rest of the family piled in, arranging themselves as usual around the living room. His parents sat side by side on the loveseat, Zack had propped himself up against the side of an armchair, still on the floor , Jay had curled himself up against one of the arms of the loveseat, and Madison had eventually clambered up into Tyler’s lap, situating herself to face their parents with a sleepy grin.

Their father started the reading, opening up a Bible and beginning somewhere familiar at the very beginning of Luke. It was a family tradition, coming together on Christmas morning to read the Christmas story itself. They passed around the Bible as the story went, reading passages and excerpts- Tyler had to assist Madison in deciphering some of the obscure words, and he honestly wasn’t very sure she or Jay  knew what they were talking about half the time as they read, but he went with it. 

It wasn’t long before they had finally finished the reading, and as soon as the Bible had been handed back to their father, Madison hopped up and scrambled closer to the tree. “Presents!” she insisted, plopping down right in front of one particular box she’d spotted with her name on it.

“Now, hold on, Madison,” their mother interrupted, grasping a little digital camera off the side table and turning it on. “Each of you can find yours, but we’re opening one at a time, alright? I don’t want to miss anything.” 

It took the kids a few moments, but they managed to work around each other and grab their presents, then scatter about the floor with their new found piles. Tyler stayed close to the tree, toward the back of the excitement, more focused on watching his family than his own presents. 

It was all routine from there. Madison got the Barbie dolls she’d been wanting and begging for, along with a new Spider-Man shirt and a Spider-Man coloring book. (Madison had fallen in love with Peter Parker ever since she’d seen glimpses of the latest reboot of the franchise and, attributing the obsession to young love, their parents indulged her desire for all things Spider-Man.) One by one, he watched his siblings tear into their gifts until his mother decided to heckle Tyler into opening his own, and he jumped out of it and set to work. 

The first little bag he reached into contained a gift card for a clothing store he’d been in at least once- it was true that he was running out of clothes he hadn’t had for years or wasn’t too close to outgrowing, so that was appreciated. Beside it was a slightly larger bag, and when digging through it he found a music theory book, a piano theory book, and... a ukulele book? Tyler couldn't help but frown at the last one confusedly, but the theory books were incredibly appreciated, so he made sure to smile widely for that picture.

The last one was a larger box, long and wide, but still not huge. He tore off the wrapping paper curiously, then had to get up and search for the box-cutter from his parents, before prying the not very telling box open.

Inside was a little brown stringed instrument, cushioned in thick strips of packing foam. The wood was glossy and smooth, the top read of a brand he hadn't heard of, and when he ran a thumb over the strings, it sounded grossly out of tune. But it was a ukulele.

Madison was absolutely beaming. "I picked it out!" she stated proudly. "Do you like it?" Tyler's jaw had dropped a long time ago, so he simply nodded. 

"We were gonna get you a guitar," Zack explained, hoisting Madison onto his lap as he spoke. "But they were all really expensive, so... we figured a uke was the next best thing."

A grin spread slowly across Tyler's face, wide and bright, as he stared down at the ukulele in his lap. " _ Wow _ ," he whispered in awe. "Thank you. Seriously, this is so awesome."

"Play something for us, Ty!" Madison insisted.

"It's way out of tune, let me figure out how to fix it up first, okay?"

Madison shrugged and reclined against her brother's chest. "You gotta play my song today."

"If I can figure it out, I will!"

"You gotta!  _ Pleeease _ ?"

"Madison, don't harass your brother," their father laughed, sending a bright smile Tyler's way. Tyler couldn't help but return it tenfold, positively beaming in delight. 

He hadn't expected his family's reaction to his music making desires to be so enthusiastic, or at least so genuine. But there he sat, brand new ukulele in his lap, sister humming Brown Eyed girl under her breath as she flopped onto the floor and hugged her Spider-Man t-shirt close, giggling in his direction, music theory books at his side. 

Not only were they accepting of it, but they were supporting it, too. And if Tyler found himself wiping a tear away at the thought, he tried his best not to show it, or at least to keep evidence of it off his mother's digital camera.

The rest of Christmas Day passed by in a whirl of too much food, lots of ukulele tuning, and sporadic texts exchanged with Josh about music and love and the usual ridiculous banter. Tyler couldn't help how warm he felt inside the entire day, especially when he started to figure out chords to songs on his ukulele with his ukulele book. He had Brown Eyed Girl down in no time, with a quick Google search of what chords he needed, and Madison was ecstatic. It was well worth the scant amount of time it took to learn as she danced around the basement to the twang of the ukulele accompanied by Tyler's voice. 

Maybe his singing had been drowned out by Madison's shouting of the lyrics and occasional giggling, but he couldn't be bothered by it if he tried. 

As soon as dinner had passed, Tyler returned to his bedroom with his ukulele and plopped back onto his bed, sighing dreamily as he set his ukulele down beside him. It was true that he’d always loved Christmas. It was the time of year his family always miraculously seemed to get along perfectly, to stop bickering long enough to be loving toward one another- and for a family with three young boys and one girl, that was a  _ definite _ feat. But this year was different. This year, he'd found confidence in himself. In his creations. In who he was, as a person.

As his eyes drifted shut, he realized a lot of that change was because of Josh. Sure, like all the Disney movies had taught him, he'd had that power of change, that power to be a confident, joyful person within himself the whole time. But it was indisputable that Josh had been the catalyst for that change, that Josh had given him a safe space to be himself, freely and unabashedly himself, let him cry and laugh and sing with reckless abandon at every turn of their friendship, and now their relationship. 

_ Their relationship _ , Tyler mused. And as ridiculous as it sounded when he heard it from others or even thought it in his head, he knew it was true- he was dating his best friend. 

A little buzz somewhere next to him shook him from his reverie, and Tyler turned his head toward his bedside table, catching sight of the flickering blue light of his screen, flashing with a notification. He reached over and grasped it, immediately unlocking it and grinning as he answered a call.

"Hey, you."

"Hey, baby boy," Josh's voice, gravelly from a less than decent connection, answered. "How was your Christmas?"

"Pretty great, actually. Yours?"

"Same thing, pretty damn great." A pause. "You tired?"

"You know me, I never sleep."

"I wish you would. I worry about you."

"You say that like you have a great sleep schedule, nerd."

"... Okay, that's fair." 

Tyler laughed." No, I'm not tired. Why?"

"Can I come see you later?"

A soft smile graced his lips. "You think I was gonna say no?"

"Hey, I'm trying to be polite."

"Like you've never shown up at my window early in the morning, completely unannounced."

"That was  _ one time _ !"

At this point, Tyler had to set the ukulele onto the floor to keep from shaking it off the bed as he laughed. "Okay, okay. I'll be up, and of course you can come see me."

"Cool." A pause. "I miss you."

"You literally saw me last night."

"I still miss you."

Tyler sighed, rolling onto his side to face the window. "I miss you, too."

They stayed on the line for a few more minutes, but eventually Josh was called to do dishes, and Tyler opted to pick the ukulele back up and mess around with it until everyone came up to go to bed. Somewhere along the endeavor, he Googled the chords for another song that had sprung to his mind and learned them as fast as possible. They weren't too difficult, and the song was pretty, so Tyler was satisfied- until Zack shuffled into the room, breaking him out of his musical stupor.

"Gonna sing that to your lady love?" he teased, meandering over to the dresser to change into pajamas for the night.

"You bet."

There was a pause as Zack traded one pair of pajama pants for another, but when he spoke, he kept his back to Tyler. "Gonna sing that to Josh?"

Tyler froze. "Why would I do that?"

"Because you guys are way too obvious, and you just got a little too defensive about it." He half expected disgust to be written all over Zack's face as he turned, but to his surprise, Zack was just smirking devilishly. "Don't think I didn't notice you opening that creaky ass window...  _ all the time _ ."

"Fair enough." Tyler paused, cocking his head to the side in confusion. "Wait, this  _ whole _ time, you knew?"

"C'mon, Tyler, give me some credit!" Zack exclaimed, grinning as he waltzed over to his bed and flopped onto it. "I'm not that clueless. Ever since you started hanging out with that guy, you've been different." He paused, sitting up on one elbow to face his brother. "But it's a good different. You've been happier, like, much happier. And now you're doing music- he's really helped you, hasn't he?"

Tyler swallowed hard, mustering up a short nod. "Yeah," he murmured. 

"So, I'm cool with it. Whether you're straight, or gay, or whatever, I'd always be cool with it. You're my brother, dude." 

For that moment, Tyler was caught somewhere between crying and laughing, both out of joy, or shock, or confusion, or a mixture of them all. Instead, he nodded rapidly, lips rolling together as his eyebrows scrunched. 

"Aw, c'mon, don't cry on me," Zack pretended to complain, but he stood and crossed the room to wrap his arms around his brother regardless. "I was wrong about Josh, I guess. He isn't as sketchy as everyone thinks." He paused, and Tyler leaned into him, sighing gratefully. "I was right about one thing, though."

"What?"

"He definitely likes guys."

~

It was a little bit before midnight when a familiar gray truck rolled up across the street, tucked away in a side street in an attempt to be discreet. Zack looked to be asleep- or at least falling asleep, but Tyler didn't bother being too careful this time. Apparently it was okay to sneak out to see his boyfriend, at least in the eyes of his brother. It was strange to not worry about him waking up and asking where he was going. A good strange.

As Tyler shimmied down the tree resting up against the roof, he vaguely saw a head of bright red hair running toward him, and the second his feet hit the ground the red haired boy in question immediately enveloped Tyler into his arms. Tyler had to bite his lip to contain a squeal of surprise, but he melted against Josh all the same, leaning his forehead on Josh's and grinning. "Well, hi."

"Hey," Josh whispered, smiling brightly. "C'mere, I have something for you."

The words started sinking in as Josh dragged him across the street, until he suddenly whispered, "Wait, what?"

Josh giggled, glancing back at him as they approached the truck. "You didn't think I wasn't gonna get you anything for Christmas, did you?"

"Josh, I swear- you better not have, I didn't-"

Before he could finish his lament, Josh ducked down and cut him off with a kiss. "I don't care. Plus, we can call this a late birthday present if you want, Mr.  _ I'm-Not-Gonna-Tell-My-Boyfriend-My-Birthday-Was-This-Month _ ."

Tyler's eyes bugged out a little, his cheeks tinting pink, and he shrugged. "S'just a birthday," he mumbled. 

Opening up the backseat door of the truck, Josh shook his head, then gestured to Tyler, who rolled his eyes but complied. As he crawled inside he found a small white envelope with his name on it, written in familiar capitalized chicken scratch. He turned to Josh in confusion, but he just nodded at the envelope, pulling the door shut behind them. 

With a sigh, Tyler tore open the envelope carefully, and a slip of paper fell into his lap. Upon closer examination, he found it was a ticket. Not just any ticket- a _concert_ ticket.

"Relient K is coming to town in January," Josh explained, grinning. "My parents got me tickets for Christmas."

"No way."

"But I don't wanna go by myself, so..."

"Joshua Dun!"

Josh threw his head back and laughed. "So, will you go with me?"

All Tyler could manage was a nod. "Well, duh," he murmured, then after carefully putting the ticket back in the envelope and setting it on the front seat, launched himself at Josh and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck. He felt Josh giggle more than watched it happen as he covered Josh's face with kisses, felt the hands that gripped his waist and held him close. "Sounds a lot like a date, you know."

At that, Josh beamed. "You know, for as long as we've been together, we haven't ever been on an official date, have we?"

"I don't think we have," Tyler agreed, mock pouting a little. Immediately Josh cupped the back of Tyler's head and pulled him into a kiss, and Tyler sighed, completely melting into it. "I don't care about official dates or fancy stuff," Tyler muttered against Josh's lips. "So what if it's cheesy and dumb, I just like spending time with you."

Josh pulled back just a little, absently playing with the hair at the back of Tyler's head as he smiled at him. "Tyler," was all he said, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Tyler's mouth. "Wanna keep you forever. Just like this."

Tyler felt a little dizzy with joy as he leaned forward and connected their lips again, as Josh grasped his hips and pulled Tyler flush against him, as they moved in sync, kissing and whispering 'I love you's every so often. It had been a while since they'd been this intimate, since they'd really let actions speak for them, and Tyler was drinking in every minute of it, relishing in Josh's soft gasps and hummed affirmations. 

He felt Josh's erection against his thigh before Josh really acted on his desire, and it gave Tyler the chance to grind down against Josh, whimpering at the delicious friction. Josh's breath stuttered at that, and his grip on Tyler's hips tightened, holding him as if for dear life. Tyler knew he was no better, clinging to Josh's shoulders and panting into his mouth now, bucking his hips down in the wake of familiar want that coursed through his veins again, made his skin prickle at every touch, made breathing and speaking near impossible, except to say, "Josh,  _ please _ ."

" _ Tyler _ ," he heard Josh whisper, and for the first time in weeks, there was a hand over the bulge in his pants, palming him slowly. Tyler rocked into the touch, keening loudly. "Oh, baby, what do you need?"

He huffed after a moment, blinking a little to bring Josh back into focus through hazy, half-lidded eyes. "Touch me, please, wanna feel you," he begged, grinding down again. 

It didn't take very much more convincing for Josh to re-situate the two of them so clothes could easily be shed. Tyler's sweats and boxers were the first to go, which made the hand palming him slowly even more unbearable. He surged over to pull off Josh's shirt next, running his hands down his bare torso, just to watch Josh shudder at the touch. 

"Tell me what you want," Josh whispered hoarsely, pulling Tyler back into his lap, making Tyler gasp at the sudden feel of a hand wrapped around his cock, tugging slowly. "C'mon, Ty, wanna make you feel good."

" _ Josh _ ," he whined, hips bucking for more friction, but Josh simply froze his movements in response. "Josh, please  _ please _ . Need-  _ c’mon _ ."

With a whispered curse, Josh lifted his hips a little, grazing his still clothed erection across Tyler's, causing him to gasp out and buck wildly into the friction, little whimpers and moans of encouragement spilling from his lips. "Shit," Josh hissed, then hooked a thumb around the hem of his pants. "Is this okay?"

Tyler nodded frantically, lifting himself up a little so Josh could shimmy out of his pants quickly, hovering just a second more as his boxers were slid down just enough to expose his erection, red and throbbing. He whimpered a little at the sight, grinding against Josh slowly and- " _ Fuck _ , fuck-  _ Josh _ ."

"Holy shit," Josh grunted. This time his hand wrapped around the both of them, stroking them together. Tyler's little gasps and whimpers turned into shaky moans and whines, bucking hips and frantic, heavy breathing. "You like that, baby?  _ Fuck- _ you see what you do to me?"

"Josh," he moaned, head falling to lean against Josh's shoulder as he rocked his hips up into Josh's hand. " _ S’good _ ."

"Yeah?" Josh encouraged. It wasn't long before his hand sped up, spurring on Tyler's hips to buck harder, his moans to draw out longer and more frantically. "So good for me, c'mon. Just let go, baby boy. Love you so much. C'mon."

Tyler's jaw dropped in a silent shriek, and a split second later he was coming in waves, biting his fist and scrabbling at the back of Josh's shoulder with his free hand, rocking sporadically into Josh's hand as he rode out his orgasm. He was still shaking from the force of it when Josh came, sucking in shaky, uneven breaths as his hand slowed and his hips jerked, squirming in delicious agony. 

"Fuck," Josh whispered eloquently, leaning his head back against the seat.

"Yeah."

"Well."

Tyler giggled, leaning forward softly pecking Josh's lips, then settled to lean down against him, resting their foreheads together. "We're gross."

"I have Kleenex up front," Josh assured him. "I just... movement, so...  _ hard _ ..."

Tyler rolled his eyes, starting to lean back and reach around for tissues, but before he could manage it Josh was sitting up again, holding Tyler close to his chest, a breathless smile on his kiss bruised lips. 

"I love you," Josh murmured for maybe the hundredth time that night.

"I love you, too," Tyler murmured back. 


	27. please take my hand, we're in foreign land

The next morning, Tyler awoke to a creaking sound at the foot of his bed, and a perpetual, " _ Wake up, wake up, you gotta come downstairs _ !" in the form of the two young, squeaky voices of his youngest siblings. It took him a few minutes, but Tyler eventually rolled onto his back to gaze over at Madison and Jay, raising his eyebrows inquisitively. 

"There better be a really good reason I'm up right now," he teased, reaching forward and grasping at Jay's sides, making him jolt and emit several shriek-like giggles.

"You gotta come downstairs now," Madison emphasized seriously. "We have company!"

"Wait, seriously?"

"Just get dressed," Zack called from the doorway. He stood just outside the confines of the bedroom, fully dressed, a backpack slung over his shoulder. "Come on, guys, let Tyler be."

With a pleased harrumph, Madison hopped out of bed and darted into the hallway, closely followed by Jay. Tyler gave Zack an incredulous look. "Company, huh?"

Zack simply winked, and shut the door on his way out.

With a loud sigh, Tyler rolled himself out of bed, shuffling himself over to the closet to snag the most comfortable but least lazy clothes within reach, and got dressed. He wasn't sure what exactly "company" meant, but in any case, it was the day after Christmas and he wasn't going to great lengths in order to impress anyone. And with one final glance at his hair- a tousled mess, but there was hardly anything to be done about that- Tyler made his way out of the room and downstairs.

The scene unfolding before him in that moment made Tyler do a very abrupt double take. There, in the living room, was his brother, his  _ boyfriend _ , Mark, Michael- hell, even  _ Debby _ was there. He glanced back at the kitchen, as if questioning the reality of the situation, but his mother was sat at the table, reading her Bible, as if this was a perfectly normal occurrence. 

As soon as he registered Tyler’s presence, Josh beamed over at him. "Hey!"

"Um... hey?" He was met with a chorus of mischievous giggles. "An explanation would be really great."

"Well." Suddenly his father appeared out from somewhere behind him, making Tyler jump in surprise. "Right before break started, your friend here-" he gestured at Josh, who waved a little at the recognition, grinning so widely his face seemed to have gained at least a hundred new dimples, "asked a little favor of your us."

"... Okay?"

"We're going on a trip," Josh informed him vaguely, wriggling his eyebrows. "But, um... before we go, I mean, I wanna make sure you're cool with this and all, cause... I mean, we can-"

"Josh signed you guys up to play at a music festival in Columbus!" Zack blurted out excitedly, and in that moment, Tyler swore he was about to faint. It was going to happen. The room became a bit wobbly, and had he not reached out to grasp the wall he would've no doubt fallen right over, he was so shaken. 

"Wait,  _ what _ ?!"

At that Josh scrambled forward, looking to Tyler in some rushed form of reassurance. "We don't have to, if you don't want to. We can just watch the other acts, you know."

"Just gimme a second," Tyler mumbled, looking around his living room in awe. "How... I mean, we don't... songs, I-”

Zack wiggled his eyebrows at that. "I may have leaked some of your song demos from the computer to Josh, just so he could practice drumming to them… but only some of them!”

"... You're kidding me, right? You're pranking me."

At that, Josh grasped Tyler's hand and started rushing him out the front door, leading straight to...  _ oh my god _ . In the back of the truck were Josh’s electric drums, dismantled and folded up, next to Tyler’s keyboard, a brand new stand, and- his lyric journal. 

"Oh my god," Tyler whispered.

"Yeah."

"Josh."

"Yeah?"

"We're gonna play music for people."

"If you wanna."

Tyler simply stared, then after a moment of disbelief, nodded fervently. Part of him realized they were still holding hands, but somewhere along the way Zack had come out to hide that fact, standing behind them and admiring the contents of the truck as discreetly as possible. It took all of Tyler's willpower to not launch himself at Josh and kiss his boyfriend senseless. 

"Okay."

From the doorstep behind them, their makeshift crew cheered.

~

It dawned on Tyler just how grateful he was to have been woken up so early on a day off once they'd started driving and he very quickly realized they needed to figure out a setlist. It was Josh, Tyler, Michael, and Debby in the truck- Mark had offered to drive Zack, and pick up one of his friends along the way. They hadn't set out until Tyler had rushed back inside to transfer audio samples and backing tracks he'd created with the synth options on his keyboard in his spare time onto his phone, and snagged his ukulele from upstairs- just in case. By the time they'd set off, Tyler was ridiculously grateful to be out of the sight of his family, and in the presence of people he could hold hands with Josh in front of without worrying. The simple touch alone reassured him immensely, calmed his racing heartbeat and frazzled nerves as he flipped through pages and hooked up his phone to the truck aux chord.

"I think we should do Taxi Cab," Josh offered once they made it onto the highway. Tyler's eyes zeroed in on the stretch of open road as his mind whirred into frantic action, turning over the thought for a moment. "Since we have definite drums for that one."

At that, Tyler groaned, slumping further into the passenger seat. "What songs has Zack even sent you, what do we have figured out? How is this going to  _ work _ ?"

"Maybe you could do a cover?" Michael chimed in from the back, shrugging a little. "Just to fill in some space."

Tyler nodded at that, looking to Josh for his reaction. "I have one in mind."

"Oh?"

A pause. "I'm not telling."

"Sure, Mr. Worried-To-Death-Over-The-Setlist."

"It's a valid concern, most of these songs are  _ hardly _ finished!"

"Play us a couple!" Debby interjected. "It's gonna take us a while to get there, you could bounce ideas off me and Michael."

"Yeah, I'm willing to offer my vast musical knowledge to you guys."

" _ Thanks _ , Michael."

Regardless, Tyler began scrolling through his phone to find recordings, synth backups he'd put on the Garageband app on his phone. "Do you have Trees with you?" Josh suggested. "That's a solid one."

"Did Zack leak that one to you?”

“Well..."

"Play it!"

Tyler kept his eyes glued on Josh as he pressed play, and a static-y synth melody resonated through the speakers. He felt Josh squeeze his hand lightly, and smiled a little at the pleased look on his face as the song played, moving into the verse. "You should sing it."

"What? No."

Josh giggled, starting to rub his thumb over the back of Tyler's hand. "It'll be good practice, you know."

Immediately Tyler dropped his gaze to their connected hands, to their interlaced fingers, and the gentle feel of Josh's thumb against his skin. With a sigh, he started the recording over, lifting his eyes and training them on the road ahead.

" _ I know where you stand,  _ __  
_ silent in the trees. _ __  
_ And that's where I am, _ __  
_ silent in the trees. _ __  
_ Why won't you speak _ __  
_ where I happen to be? _ __  
_ Silent in the trees, _ _  
_ __ standing cowardly ."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could vaguely register Josh drumming on the steering wheel with his free hand, could see the bright smile on his face. He watched Josh glance up into the rearview mirror and back at their friends, and his smile doubled, so he figured their response had been a good one.

" _ I can feel your breath, _ __  
_ I can feel my death. _ __  
_ I want to know you, _ __  
_ I want to see, _ _  
_ __ I want to say, hello ."

As soon as the verse transitioned into the bridge, Tyler broke himself out of his reverie, staring intently down at his phone as the track continued. "It just repeats again," he explained softly, and his grip on Josh's tightened a little, but it was  _ completely _ unrelated to his nervousness at the fact that he'd just shared one of the most personal songs he'd ever written with his two friends in the backseat. Completely, utterly unrelated. 

"Shit," he vaguely heard Debby mutter, a soft sound. "Tyler, that's incredible." She paused, and he felt it when she reached up and gently touched his shoulder. "Seriously, I'm at a loss right now. That song hits  _ deep _ . You've gotta play it tonight, people will love it."

Tyler swallowed hard, glancing back at Debby in mild fear. "You think so?"

Michael scooted forward to the edge of his seat, nodding over to Debby. "She's right, man. Like, I knew you could write a song, but that's..." He shook his head a little, lips spreading into a wide, toothy grin. "That's a  _ song _ ."

A blush spread hotly over Tyler's cheeks, and he ducked his head to hide behind the back of the passenger seat. "Thank you," he murmured softly, under his breath. "That means a lot."

"And I thought Taco Bell Saga was a masterpiece."

Tyler groaned. "No. No, we're past that. I swear-"

"Taco Bell what?"

Beside him, he heard Josh laugh. Tyler peeked out from his hiding place behind the seat and through his free hand, pouting up at his boyfriend for a split second, before the bright grin on Josh's face became too contagious, and he couldn't help but let a laugh break free.

"Michael, tell me you've got a recording of that with you."

"Oh, do I."

And if one stolen aux chord later they were blasting a medley of songs rewritten as a ballad to a fast food Mexican restaurant and laughing until Tyler, quite literally, got stomach cramps- well, he didn't really seem to mind much in the end. 

He'd known in the back of his mind that his friends would be supportive no matter what, that even if they didn't particularly love the music, they'd have his back that day. But to get such a strong reaction right off the bat... Tyler had definitely been taken completely off guard, thrown to left field and left gaping in confusion and awe at the people he'd somehow gotten lucky enough to surround himself with. Who knew that a childhood friend he'd lost contact with, a girl from his youth group he barely knew, a basketball player from the team he'd quit, and a rebellious, bright haired boy with a punk nose ring and the softest heart he'd ever known, would become the most important support system in his life?

A split second later, with wide, awestruck eyes, Tyler mouthed a quick, "I love you," to Josh. A second later Josh's gaze was torn back to the road ahead of them, but Tyler could see his boyfriend smiling, and that was enough, until their next moment alone.

Everything was more than enough. Everything was good, for the first time in his life, and whether or not it would last wasn't something on Tyler's mind. For the first time in his life, he was living in the present. And it felt good.

~

Signing in to a music festival event was definitely not something Tyler had done before, but Josh seemed to know his way both around the venue- a wide open green space on the outskirts of town- and with the coordinators of the event. It wasn't very long, thankfully, before they were driving off to their own little space outside the event itself to practice. 

"I can set up my drums if you want to practice," Josh offered as they parked. Tyler scrambled out of the truck quickly, ready and itching to practice, to prepare, to be ready to perform that night. A tentative setlist had been made, but there was heavy emphasis on tentative- it all depended on how quickly they could finish final song arrangements and actually be  _ confident _ in those arrangements. 

"Let's do that," Tyler agreed. "When do they need us ready to go onstage?"

"I can go figure that out," Debby assured them. "Wait, who exactly will they be waiting for?"

Josh looked to Tyler expectantly. "Come on. It's your chance to have the band name of your dreams."

"You're mocking me."

"I am not, it's a really sick name!"

Debby cocked her head to the side in confusion, so Josh continued. "Tyler came up with a potential band name a while ago, and he's embarrassed about it now, but I swear, it's a really cool name when he explains the meaning behind it." He grinned sheepishly at Tyler, reaching over to grasp his hand and kiss his temple apologetically. "I may have also signed us up under than name, so."

" _ Josh _ , you did  _ not _ !"

With a bright laugh, Josh nodded. "Go on."

Tyler huffed, shaking his head in disbelief, but a smile was creeping its way onto his lips regardless. "Twenty One Pilots," he muttered, leaning his head on Josh's shoulder and avoiding eye contact at all costs. "It's from this, uh, play we had to read for AP Literature... All My Sons. Where, um... this dispatcher has the option to either send out these faulty parts for these airplanes, or recall them. And he sends the parts out, and... twenty one pilots died."

There was silence for a moment, broken only by a low whistle from Michael. "That's intense," he muttered, but when Tyler peeked over at his friend, he was grinning. "I love it. It fits you, and your music."

"You think so?"

"Oh, I know so."

Debby just rolled her eyes, making her way toward the gathering of tents in the distance. "So, twenty one pilots, got it. Michael, wanna come with?"

"Sure thing," he agreed, for a moment wondering why his presence was needed- but with one glance at the boys in question nodded and scurried off alongside Debby. "Have fun practicing!"

"You're awful."

"Love you, too!"

Tyler giggled a little, nuzzling his face into the crook of Josh's neck. "I can't believe you."

"Hey, Twenty One Pilots is a cool name."

"No, I mean... all of this," Tyler expanded, gesturing one arm outward. In response Josh snuck an arm around Tyler's middle and pulled them flush against each other, almost like a surprise hug. Tyler simply sighed, reaching up to drape his arms around Josh's neck. "Playing music with me. Hell, getting me to play a music festival. I never thought I'd be doing something like this in a  _ million _ years."

"You deserve it, baby," Josh murmured, then started peppering kisses all over Tyler's face, making him giggle. "Love you so much. I'm so proud of you."

"We haven't even performed yet."

"Yeah, but you put on a little show on the way here," Josh countered. "I know how much your music means to you. Just the fact you agreed to all this." Josh pulled back a little bit then, catching Tyler's gaze with his own. "That's really fucking brave of you, you know."

Tyler shook his head, averting his eyes with a small sniffle. "Don't make me sappy right now. We need to rehearse."

At that, Josh tipped his head back and laughed. "Okay. Let me get the drums ready, and we can rehearse. Wanna start with Taxi Cab?"

"Sure."

"Wanna tell me about the mystery cover you have in mind?"

"... Nah." 


	28. it's time you picked your battle, and i promise you, this is mine

"I guess I'm stuck with you."

Josh just rolled his eyes, before scooting over a tad closer to Tyler's side, taking another bite of his Subway sandwich. "I'm afraid so."

At that, Tyler mock sighed, flopping back against the blanket they'd laid out somewhere just far away enough from the truck, and from the festival itself, to eat lunch. It felt like some kind of picnic date, save for their giggling posse in the distance, huddled around the truck and not so sneakily peering over at them every few minutes. 

Mark and Zack had stopped for lunch at Subway on their way over, and had called midway through their initial rehearsing to take everyone's orders. It was a nice late-breakfast-meets-early-lunch, and if he hadn't been too excited to care the entire morning, Tyler might've wondered how on earth he'd forgotten about food.

"I feel weird taking a break," Tyler admitted as Josh reclined to the blanket next to him, sandwich set aside momentarily. "I don't know."

Josh shrugged one shoulder, turning onto his side to face Tyler and propping himself up one one elbow, head resting on his palm. "Honestly, I think we've got this. Don't worry about the drums. If I need to improvise, I can improvise." He leaned over and pecked Tyler's cheek gently. "I just wanna know one thing."

"What?"

"The mystery cover."

Tyler broke into a wide grin, giggling despite himself. "So anyway," he started anew, rolling away from Josh as he laughed. "We've got Taxi Cab- were we gonna add Johnny Boy?"

From somewhere behind him Josh surged forward, pulling Tyler back into his grasp and making Tyler shriek, his laughter pealing into the open air. "Taxi and Johnny Boy and Trees," Josh repeated. "Johnny would be a good opener, yeah?"

Tyler nodded. "Yeah. And I can throw in a cover before Trees..." He paused, turning his head to glance back at Josh. "Hey, you know Brown Eyed Girl?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can we play that, too?" he requested, his voice suddenly small. "It's my sister's favorite, and Zack told me they'd be there, I..." He shrugged. "I'm scared they won't like the rest of my stuff maybe, so..."

" _ Tyler _ ," Josh sighed, and immediately turned Tyler around in his arms, holding him close. In the distance they could hear their friends shrieking gleefully, but Tyler forced himself to tune it out and focus on his boyfriend's warmth and reassurance. "Baby, they're gonna love it. You're so talented, you have no idea. I'm so damn proud of you, you know that?"

It took him a minute of steadily inhaling and exhaling, drinking in Josh's sheer presence, before Tyler could bring himself to nod in response to his boyfriend. "Thank you," he whispered, glancing up at Josh with a small smile. "For everything."

"Always, baby boy," Josh assured him. He leaned down a little, brushing their noses together and eliciting another breathy giggle from Tyler, then paused suddenly. "Is that the mystery cover?"

"Nope."

Josh groaned, rolling away from Tyler and flailing his arm to signify his exasperation. "Come  _ on _ !" he pleaded through a laugh, unable to hold onto his pouting persona, which only made Tyler giggle more.

"Calm down, you big baby," Tyler teased, then reached over and grasped Josh's hand, interlocking his fingers with his own. "Eat your sandwich, we need to practice."

At that, Josh really did pout. "Tyler," he drawled, making grabby hands in his boyfriend's direction. But Tyler just sat up cross-legged, a smirk spreading across his lips. Josh's pout faltered a little, making way for a tiny smile. "You're pretty."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Stop it."

"No, I'm serious." Josh tightened his grip on Tyler's hand a little, but instead of yanking Tyler down to lay next to him again, hoisted himself up into at least a half upright position. "I don't tell you enough. You're so beautiful."

Tyler dropped his head suddenly, staring into his lap as a hot blush spread across his cheeks. "Stop," he muttered, and Josh laughed. “If you’re trying to get the mystery cover outta me, it isn’t working.”

“Nah, just sweet talking my boyfriend.”

“ _ Mmhmm _ .”

“The mystery cover reveal would be a sick bonus, but…”

Tyler threw his head back and laughed at that. “No such luck, I’m afraid,” he teased. “Now finish your lunch, dork, I wanna run through Johnny Boy again before we try Brown Eyed Girl.”

~

The first thing Tyler noticed when he got backstage was how large the crowd really was. When amid the gathering that had formed in front of the stage, it was hard to tell just how many people had joined the party and were jumping, dancing, singing, enjoying the free music. But in the wings just off the side of the stage, peeking out from behind one of the thick black curtains that masked the flurry of techies and on deck musicians from the crowds ahead, it was much more obvious, much more real.

There were a  _ lot _ of people watching.

He tried not to focus too much on it, tried to ignore the frantic pounding in his chest, thumping and blocking out the harsh bass of the act currently onstage, crowding his thoughts with bleak and fearful concern. It wasn't until he felt a hand settle on his shoulder that he snapped out of it and turned, facing Josh, who had a soft, reassuring smile on his face.

"We've got this," he mouthed. Tyler nodded.

He knew that once they got onstage, once the music started, once they got into the swing of it, they'd be fine. But it was that completely irrational, unwarranted fear that he often got before something huge, something new, that filled his mind every second before their turn onstage. Before they would have to go up and perform raw, personal songs to complete strangers. 

Tyler was equal parts pumped and terrified. But as the previous act bowed and ran offstage, grinning and telling him to "break a leg out there," as Josh leaned over and gave him the quickest peck on the cheek known to man, as he set one foot onto the stage, he thanked the half of his thoughts that filled him with terror. He was burning up with energy now, palms sweating and limbs twitching as he approached the keyboard and stared. 

Tyler sat down. His eyes flew over to Josh, who was practically bouncing on the stool behind the drums, eyes glinting with unabashed glee. 

"How's everybody doing tonight?" Tyler asked, directing his mouth toward the mic. The roar that came from the crowd took him by surprise- he forced himself not to think on the fact that this was the first time he'd been in front of any crowd of any size where he had to sing and play the piano, let alone speak. "We're twenty one pilots, and we're gonna play some songs for you." 

Without thought, his fingers ghosted over the first chord of Johnny Boy, but he kept talking. "This is a really special night for us. I won't go on too long, I just want you to know that you're our first crowd," he admitted. The roar the two boys were met with that time was so deafening, so excited and loud, that Tyler had to play through the chordal pattern of Johnny Boy twice in order to keep himself from choking up audibly. "These songs are very important to us, and we hope you enjoy them."

With a short nod in Josh's direction, and a few smacks of the drumsticks to count him in, Tyler started plunking out the beginning of their very first song performed onstage. It was happening. They were playing for a crowd. His songs.  _ Their _ songs. 

" _ Get up Johnny boy, get up Johnny boy, _ __  
_ get up cause the world has left you lying on the ground. _ __  
_ You're my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy, _ _  
_ __ get up, Johnny boy, because we all need you now. "

For some reason it surprised Tyler just how much the crowd seemed to love the song. By the second chorus, the kids and adults at the barricade were practically screaming the words back at him, and the sight, the sound, tugged almost painfully at his heartstrings.

It wasn't until he saw his little sister off to the far right of the barricade, up on their father's shoulders, waving frantically and shouting the words to the best of her ability, that he started to tear up. 

In a state of mild shock, Tyler leaped from the bench just before the bridge, letting the synth and the drums take over as he grabbed the mic and pried it off its stand, rushing to the front of the stage and starting to clap. He could feel the rhythm vibrating in his bones, pumping through his veins, pulsating in his chest and driving him forward as he leaned toward the barricade and sang.

" _ I will carry all your names, and I will carry all your shame. _ "

It felt like a piece of his soul was pouring from his mouth as he sang, crouching to the level of the crowd for a moment, now thumping his hand against his chest to the rhythm of the kick drum, so much louder on a real kit than on Josh’s usual electric ones, so much larger and fuller and harder, so loud it seemed to take control of his heartbeat and pump blood through his veins itself. He wanted to wrap this moment up in a blanket, hold it close and cherish it, protect it with all his might. He wanted to turn it all into a picture, matted and framed with his name right on it, and look at it every time he felt the weight of the world and his unknown purpose sinking down onto him.

Right before the final chorus, Tyler jerked up from his crouching position at the front of the stage and ran back to the keyboard, snapping the mic onto the stand quickly, before playing the last chords softly, letting them grow organically as he went. 

" _ Get up, Johnny boy, because we all need you now. _ "

As the final notes of the piano faded, the final crashes of the cymbals rang out, and the crowd picked up the lack of volume with their own screams of delight, Tyler knew he needed this in his life. He needed this to  _ be _ his life.

Maybe his purpose wasn't so unknown after all.

~

As soon as the boys left the stage, Tyler exhaled a long, heavy breath he hadn't really realized he'd been holding. Josh was beaming over at him, grasping his hand firmly and pulling him into a long, sweaty hug. They were both drenched at that point, despite the frosty winter air surrounding them in the open stage, but Tyler couldn't care less about the stickiness or the eyes that drew to them instinctively as they crashed together, holding each other tightly. 

"I'm so fucking  _ proud _ of you," Josh whispered close to Tyler's ear. "You did it, Tyler. You did it. I'm so proud."

"We did it," Tyler corrected. When he pulled back from the hug, Josh was smiling so widely that his eyes had scrunched together, and he could count several dimples in his cheeks. "I love you."

Suddenly Tyler jumped, as if startled by his own exclamation. Josh seemed just as jarred, but the grin didn't leave his face for a second. "I love you, too."

When they set foot on the grass outside the large tent to the left of the stage, a chorus of screams and triumphant cries met the two of them. In the stampede rushing toward them, Tyler could spot his friends, some unfamiliar faces- Josh's friends?- and, leading the crowd, his siblings. He didn't quite realize he'd still been holding Josh's hand until he felt Madison's arms wrapping tightly around him in a near bone crushing hug, and only dropped his tight grip on Josh's hand to wrap his arms around her.

"You did so good!" she cried out, beaming brightly up at her brother. "You sang my song!"

"Just for you," he assured her.

"Tyler!" He heard Debby call from somewhere in the mess of people now congratulating both boys in turn, crowding their space and filling the air with near indecipherable chatter.

As Debby wormed her way forward with a grin on her face and a congratulation on her lips, Tyler couldn't help but notice the short haired girl beside her. She wasn't unfamiliar, he was certain he'd seen her around school before. Her brown hair was tinted teal at the ends, but faded, like she'd temporarily dyed it. And then Tyler realized just how he knew this girl.

Memories of a text from Debby, the inspiration for a song, and a day he'd shoved to the back of his mind, flooded forward. Memories of a day he'd completely doubted Josh, doubted his legitimacy, doubted his intentions. 

Tyler shuffled aside as the two approached, grasping for Josh's hand and holding onto it for dear life, anchoring him into the present. "Hey," he greeted Debby, lips spreading into a fairly authentic smile. 

"Tyler, you were incredible up there," Debby gushed immediately, throwing her arms around his neck and yanking him into a hug. "I'm so proud of you, both of you. Seriously, the crowd loved it. I'm so proud."

"Thanks," he muttered, unable to help the way his smile doubled tenfold at her praise, head bowing a little as a blush spread across his cheeks.

As Debby moved aside to gush over Josh, he watched as the short haired girl with guilt in her eyes who must have been Ashley shuffle forward. "Hey," she started, then dropped her gaze, shaking her head a little. "Look, I know I've been kind of an asshole. It was stupid of me to do that to someone I didn't even know."

Unable to speak- he couldn't really blame himself for being taken aback by the sudden apology- Tyler simply shrugged. 

"You were really fucking great up there," Ashley continued. Her gaze lifted, and there was a small, crooked smile on her lips. "Both of you. I had you pegged all wrong, Joseph. You aren't some tiny, innocent kid. You're a goddamn force of nature."

At that, Tyler couldn't help but smile. "Thanks," he mumbled. "And I forgive you."

As Ashley's lips spread into a wide, genuine smile, she held up her hand. 

"Truce, Tyler Joseph?"

"Truce." He shook her hand, and out of the corner of his eye, Tyler could see Josh smiling.

Slowly but surely, the crowd around them both shuffled away from the stage door- they did, in fact, have to let other acts leave the stage and not completely block off the traffic of people going back and forth as the event drew to a close- and then died down to just the two boys, still clinging to one another with shocked grins on their faces, and both of their families. (It turned out Josh had been a little too nervous and excited by the night to even  _ mention _ that fact to Tyler, but with how well everything had turned out, Tyler couldn't bring himself to be mad.)

As it turned out, their parents really got along. After they'd all come up to congratulate their sons, they broke off into their own separate conversations. But it got later and later, and soon enough Tyler's father was inching over to tell him they needed to head out. "It's getting pretty late," he noted, glancing back at the mothers as they chatted away. "You got your ride figured out?"

"Actually," Josh cut in, lips pursing nervously for a second. "If it's alright, I was wondering if Tyler could come with me to a friend's house for the night? Just to have a guy's night, y'know."

His father chuckled, but he ended up nodding, clapping Tyler's shoulder briefly- Tyler, on the other hand, was having a very hard time not looking incredibly confused by his boyfriend's plans that, as it seemed to be a trend that day, he had no clue about.

"You two have fun," he encouraged, stepping away. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Tyler nodded affirmatively, then glanced at Josh, half expecting him to have more unknown plans up his sleeve. But Josh just grinned at him, casually slinging an arm around his shoulders. 

"Thanks for coming to see us, Mr. Joseph."

His father just winked. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Tyler felt almost nonexistent as he said his goodbyes to his family, shied away from their exuberant praise, and watched them depart from the festival grounds. He felt like he was floating in this strange half-reality and half-fantasy world in his mind, and any minute now he'd wake up in his bed at home and sigh at the wildly elaborate dream he'd just had. But then both their families were heading out, then Josh was holding out his ukulele, encased in a think fabric case, and it hit him that the entire night had, despite his perpetual state of shock, happened. 

They'd played music for a crowd. They'd played his music, their music. And the crowd liked it. 

"Ready to go?" Josh asked, a mischievous smile on his lips.

Tyler made sure to mock pout at him as dramatically as he could manage, but he ended up giggling and accepting the ukulele, cradling it in his arms. "Sure thing."

They began the journey over to the parking lot, but then a tiny shriek behind them stopped Tyler, whether it was from worry or how the sudden noise had startled him. "Wait! Are you twenty one pilots?!"

Tyler immediately turned around then, calling out- "Yeah!"- and a small blonde girl with thick black-rimmed glasses bolted toward them, a breathless grin on her face. 

"I just wanted to say," she started, heaving in a breath, "thank you. For your songs." Tyler could see tear tracks on her face, and had to tighten his grip on his ukulele as carefully as possible to keep from tearing up. "That one, Taxi Cab, it- wow. It really hit me. It's so good, I- I mean, it's kind of obvious I was crying," she giggled. 

"I'm so glad you liked it," Tyler mumbled, a warm smile spreading across his face. 

"If you guys release music, I just want you to know my friends and I'll be waiting," she continued. 

"What's your name?"

The girl beamed. "Sami."

Tyler opened up his arms then, and the girl- Sami- rushed forward and hugged his torso tightly. His arms wrapped tightly around her, and he offered another, "I'm so glad you liked it-" then as an afterthought. "Thank you."

"No," Sami insisted, stepping back to look at him. "Thank  _ you _ ."

After that, Sami shuffled over to give Josh a hug just as big and as many thanks as she'd showered Tyler with, before being called over by two older girls with smiles just as bright on their faces. Out of his peripheral vision he saw Josh reach up and wave enthusiastically at the girls as Sami joined them, and with a bright grin at Josh that he flashed over at the little group, he waved as well, and watched in glee at their shocked, happy faces as they waved back. 

"How are you feeling?" Josh asked suddenly, arm wrapping around Tyler's shoulders again as they hurried to the truck. Tyler had almost forgotten it was, in fact, the middle of winter, and now that his sweat had finally dried away he was a little bit frozen. But despite his chattering teeth and the goosebumps up and down his arms, Tyler was grinning. 

"Great," he managed. The gravel under their feet crunched as they scurried across it, filling the chilly silence for the moment between broken up thoughts. "So, wait, where are we going?"

Josh let out a short laugh at that, then released his grip on Tyler once they approached the truck, jogging around and unlocking it hurriedly as they scampered toward it, eager to turn on the heat and defrost themselves. "Okay, so... I was invited over to my friend Brendon's house to stay the night and watch movies, but I... had a better idea."

"... Okay?"

Josh giggled, sticking the key into the ignition and immediately cranking the heat up, rubbing his palms together. "Hear me out, okay? I... may have booked a hotel room."

"Oh my  _ god- _ "

"But my  _ plan _ ," he continued hurriedly, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt as he spoke, "was just to have some place to crash for tonight. I wanna take you on a date tomorrow." Slowly, Josh looked up, meeting Tyler's awe-struck gaze with a bitten lip and a worried glint in his eyes. "Like, a real date. There's this nice place in town, a kind of sit down place my dad used to take me to all the time. We could go there for breakfast or lunch or something, and then head back home." He paused then, and his gaze dropped to his lap. "I mean, uh, if you want to. We don't have to do any of it if-"

"Josh," Tyler interrupted, reaching over and grasping both of his hands into his own. " _ Josh _ ." He sighed a little, his wide, adoring eyes scanning over Josh's worry-ridden face. "I'd love to."

Josh peeked up at Tyler shyly. "Yeah?"

Tyler nodded fervently, giving Josh's hands a soft squeeze. "Yeah."

 


	29. i want everyone to know that i am half a soul divided

It was a short drive from the park at the outskirts of Columbus, to the Holiday Inn just within the city limits, but it wasn't long before they had parked and checked in. It turned out Zack had packed a bag for him, a little duffel bag that had been in the back seat of the truck the whole day that Tyler hadn't given any thought to until Josh informed him it was there, and in that moment he couldn't have been more grateful for how accepting and supportive his brother had turned out to be. 

As soon as the elevator doors shut, Josh grasped Tyler's free hand. It was late, nearing midnight, and the hotel was quiet save for the shuffle of late shift workers and the very few people- including themselves- just now heading to bed. Tyler squeezed Josh's hand lightly, giving him a bright smile. 

"I'm so proud of you," Josh murmured. Tyler ducked his head down and giggled, but it seemed to only spur Josh on further. "I mean it," he continued, voice dropping to an even softer tone as the elevator doors slid open, revealing a quiet hallway they set out into, searching for their room. "I know you were nervous about performing, but I swear, if I hadn't known it beforehand I never would've guessed it. You were incredible out there, Ty." As they approached their door, Josh was forced to let go of Tyler's hand so he could slide the key card through the scanner, but it didn't stop his little speech Tyler definitely wasn't tearing up over as they entered the room and shut the door behind them. "I knew that you were touching people with your music, just from watching the crowd. But that girl that came up to us proved it to me even more." They made their way into the room and tossed their bags to the floor- save for the ukulele case Tyler set very delicately next to his duffel bag, and Josh flopped onto the bed that sat in the middle of the space, shooting a wide, dopey grin Tyler's direction. "I told you that your music could change lives.

Without thought, Tyler rushed over and pounced, pulling his boyfriend into a tight hug. "Thank you," he sighed, clinging to Josh tightly. "For everything. For today, and that festival, and for tonight, and for tomorrow, just... thank you. I love you so much."

Josh grinned, peppering Tyler's face with soft kisses. "I love you, too," he giggled. "I'd do anything to make you happy, you know that?" Josh paused a moment, and rested his forehead against Tyler's. "I wanna give you the world, baby."

"You already have," Tyler breathed, and as his eyes shut, he knew he wasn't just brushing off the sentiment. “I’ve got you, don’t I?”

At that, Josh sighed, and when Tyler met his gaze again he saw his boyfriend blinking, as if suppressing tears. "You know, if you really loved me, you'd tell me about that secret cover of yours..."

Tyler rolled out of Josh's grasp just to flop onto his back and laugh, shooting a wide smile at Josh as he cackled. "Maybe it'll just be a secret forever, I dunno..."

"Tyler Joseph, if you don't tell me right now, I'll tickle you."

"Is that a threat?!"

Josh smirked, scooting closer to Tyler, but right before he could reach out and tickle him, Tyler hopped out of bed. 

" _ Tyyyyyyler _ !"

"You big baby," Tyler teased, shaking his head admonishingly as he crossed the room to pick up the ukulele case he'd set down when they arrived. "Why tell you what it is when I can show you what it is?"

With that, Josh sat up bolt upright, eyes wide in poorly masked excitement as Tyler giggled and pulled his little uke out, then shuffled over to the bed to sit cross legged across from his boyfriend. 

"Okay, so it might be bad because I've literally been playing this uke for a day and there's a lot of chords to remember, but I thought-"

"Tyler," Josh interrupted, reaching over to cup the side of his face and guide Tyler's gaze to meet his again, smiling. "It's okay."

With a deep breath, Tyler nodded, and once Josh let his hand drop, his gaze drifted back down to the uke in his lap as he began to play, starting out slow.

" _ Wise men say, only fools rush in _ _  
_ _ but I can't help falling in love with you _ ."

He didn't miss the sharp intake of breath across from him, couldn't have missed it if he tried, and he had to force himself to not choke up as he continued to sing.

" _ Shall I stay, would it be a sin? _ _  
_ _ If I can't help falling in love with you. _ "

It happened regardless. The words flowed from his mouth, unhindered by the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, his thumb never faltering as they brushed across the ukulele strings, body swaying slightly to the soft rhythm of the song. He felt Josh scoot a little closer to him, felt the hand resting on his thigh, stroking his leg reassuringly through the fabric of his jeans, and he took a breath.

" _ Take my hand, take my whole life, too _ _  
_ _ cause I can't help falling in love... _ " He drew out the note a little, leaning closer to Josh, lifting his eyes to meet his gaze. Josh was staring at him with wide eyes, filled up with awe and excitement and a feeling he'd never been able to place before, until now, and he knew, he knew, it was love. " _ With you. _ "

There was a short, contented pause in the air as the last chord rang out between them, and suddenly, Josh was prying the ukulele out of Tyler's lap and setting it aside, then crashing their lips firmly together in a long, desperate kiss. 

His first reaction was to gasp a little in shock, but it wasn't long before Tyler completely melted into the kiss, sighing against Josh's lips and wrapping his arms around Josh's neck. A split second later Josh grasped his hips and hauled him forward, and he got the message and scrambled into Josh's lap, situating their bodies as close together as possible.

"I love you," Josh whispered in the brief moment they separated for air. "I love you so much. I mean it. I think..."

"You think what?"

Josh sucked in a ragged breath, and leaned his forehead against Tyler's. "I think I'm  _ in _ love with you. I love you, and I'm in love with you, and I want to keep you all to myself. And maybe that's selfish of me, but I don't care." Josh grazed his teeth over Tyler's bottom lip, and Tyler shuddered, leaning closer to him. "God, Tyler, you're so beautiful. In every way possible." He paused, then drew his head back only to nuzzle into the side of Tyler's neck, lips tracing down the column of Tyler's throat. "I want you," he murmured into Tyler's skin.

Tyler immediately felt his heart jump into his throat, pounding furiously, as if trying to escape the confines of his body. It wasn't as if Josh had never said he wanted him before, but now that they were completely alone, practically unable to be caught in this compromising of a position, now that Tyler had fucking serenaded his boyfriend and Josh had admitted his feelings once more, it felt different. It made Tyler dizzy with affection- and arousal, if he was honest- and need for his boyfriend. To be closer, as close as possible, because at this stage every stolen moment, every cautious exchange, wasn't enough. He wanted more.

"Josh," he managed to squeak out, hands smoothing down Josh's back to push him closer. "Josh, please."

"What do you want, baby boy?"

Tyler keened, squirming a little in Josh's lap, earning him a muffled groan. "You," he gasped. "I want you. If I'm all yours, then you're all mine, and I want you." He heard Josh's soft gasp in response, and started writhing needily. "I wanna be closer. I want- I want, please."

Very suddenly, Josh lifted his head and locked their gazes together, lifting both hands to cup Tyler's face. "Baby," he murmured. "You mean..." He paused, really looking into Tyler's eyes, searching for confirmation or denial, for a second guess. 

"Make love to me?" Tyler whispered, squirming again- but this time really wishing he could hide, fold up into himself, into Josh, still shy about intimacy after all this time. "Please, Josh, I want it."

"Fuck," Josh replied eloquently, leaning forward to capture Tyler's lips again, moaning a little into the kiss. "I want you too, baby, so bad. But only if you're one hundred percent sure." He pulled back again, looking Tyler in the eyes once more. "You're sure this is what you want? I don't want to pressure you into anything, if you're just-"

Instead of letting Josh go on, Tyler surged forward and connected their lips himself, arms wrapping tightly around Josh's neck to hold him close. It took a moment, but Josh responded to the kiss with equal fervor, grabbing Tyler's hips and rocking up against him, earning a high pitched whimper at the friction. "Josh," he whined against his lips.

"I know, baby," Josh murmured, his voice now low and gravelly, sending a shiver down Tyler's spine. "Put your uke away first, don't want to break it."

Tyler nodded, but didn't move, instead kissing Josh again, who huffed out a laugh and simply grasped Tyler's thighs, hoisting him up as he shuffled over to the edge of the bed and stood, then lowered Tyler's legs so he could stand on his own. Eventually Tyler pried his lips away, pouting a little, but he scurried over to grab his uke and pack it away again. Once he set it aside, he couldn't help but train his gaze on Josh as he shuffled through his own bag for- oh. Right. 

As impatient jitters flurried through Tyler's body, he toed off his shoes and flopped back onto the bed, sprawled out and more than eager for his boyfriend to hurry the fuck up. Josh set the condom and lube on the bedside table, eyes scanning hungrily up and down Tyler's body, making him blush and squirm in anticipation.

"Josh," he croaked. "C'mon, please."

With a soft groan, Josh lowered onto all fours and crawled up the bed to hover over Tyler, dropping his head down slightly to meet his lips in a kiss. It was a little rougher, a little sloppier, with Tyler panting and whining into his mouth as he progressively got more and more frantic. With a shaking hand, Josh started to unbutton Tyler's jeans, then slinked back down the bed as he tugged them off and tossed them aside, immediately surging forward to yank at Tyler's t-shirt. 

Tyler looked wrecked already, peeling his shirt off and letting it fall where it may, then reaching with determined grabby hands to tug Josh's off just the same, immediately tracing the smooth skin his shirt had been hiding with shaky hands, sweaty palms. It was all so familiar in one sense, seeing his boyfriend in a state of undress, and his boyfriend seeing him just the same. But the intentions were different now, the intimacy was heightened, everything was so subtly different that it had Tyler shaking and near crying at the weight of it all. Every touch meant more, felt more, every kiss was heavier and sent rushes of pleasure and love and  _ adoration _ through his veins, and it was almost too much to bear. 

Apparently the near crying had turned into real crying once they were both in boxers alone, with Tyler in Josh's lap, squirming in Josh’s lap and kissing every inch of his boyfriend’s face that he could reach. "Baby," Josh murmured, rubbing one hand up and down his back. "What's wrong? Do you wanna stop?"

"No," Tyler rushed to say, grasping at the back of Josh's neck and keeping him close. "No, I'm okay, everything's good, I just..." Tyler squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and the tears that had gathered in his eyes started to leak down his face. He felt Josh start to kiss them away and sighed. "It’s so much. Everything's... so  _ much _ ."

"I know the feeling," Josh assured him, trailing the kisses on his cheeks all the way to his lips. "It's okay. We can go as slow as you need, alright? We have all the time in the world."

Tyler nodded, letting out a long breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, then tangled his fingers into the hair at the back of Josh's neck as he pulled him into another deep kiss, drawing it out for as long as physically possible, drawing Josh as close to him as physically possible. 

Several long, slow kisses later, Tyler was lowered onto his back on the bed, Josh hovering protectively over him, showering his face and neck with kisses. "I love you so much," Josh whispered into his skin, and Tyler gasped, arching toward his mouth as his kisses traveled further down, peppering across his chest. "You're so beautiful." Josh's lips barely ghosted over one nipple, and Tyler let out a soft, breathy moan, writhing desperately beneath him. "You're the most talented human being I've ever known," he continued, letting the very tip of his tongue flick out over his nipple, and Tyler whimpered, arching his back further. Josh chuckled, grazing his teeth over the bud before continuing feather light kisses down his torso, ghosting gently over the smooth expanse of Tyler's stomach. "I've never cared about someone so much in my life," he admitted, letting his cheek rest on Tyler's stomach for a moment, and Tyler sighed, reaching down to card his fingers through Josh's hair. "Not nearly as much as I care about you."

"Josh," Tyler breathed out. He could feel himself getting choked up again as Josh looked up at him, pressing a soft kiss just beneath his belly button, and whined, squirming his hips around on the bed. "I love you."

"I love you, too, baby," Josh assured him, leaning up to kiss the corner of his mouth briefly, before scaling back down and settling between Tyler's spread legs. Tyler blushed, letting his head fall back against the pillows, and focused on the feel of Josh's fingers tracing the hem of his boxers across his hips. Another tortured whine fell from his mouth, and his hips lifted of their own accord. 

" _ Please _ ," Tyler whispered. 

"I've got you, baby," Josh murmured, pressing a kiss to Tyler's hip as he finally started easing Tyler's boxers down, down to his knees, and then to his ankles, where Tyler impatiently kicked them off before Josh could tease him any further. He did, however, sit back on his heels for a moment, eyes trailing up and down Tyler's body hungrily, making him squirm where he laid- but not uncomfortably. "You're so fucking beautiful." Josh crawled forward again, leaving a few gentle kisses to the inside of Tyler's thigh, then skipping upward to his chest, and up to his lips. 

"Josh," he pleaded, fingers raking down Josh's back and toying with the hem of his boxers in turn. " _ Josh _ ." But before Tyler could take matters into his own hands, Josh sat back again, grinning mischievously at his boyfriend. 

"Let me take care of you," Josh insisted. 

Tyler hesitated a moment, but in the end the fingers brushing up and down his thigh won out, and he nodded.

Josh grinned as he leaned over and kissed Tyler again, cupping his jaw with one hand and reaching over to the bedside table with the other. He felt his heart jump with the realization that this was happening, that he barely knew what  _ would _ be happening, that it was probably going to hurt- but Josh's touch was so gentle, his kiss so slow, that he managed to push his fears to the back of his mind and focus on the moment unfolding. 

"Love you so much," Josh whispered, quickly kissing down Tyler's body and stopping at one hip, peppering kisses there. "Wanna make you feel so good, baby."

Tyler started to whine, Josh's name on his tongue, but a hand wrapped lightly around his cock and when his name spilled out of his mouth, it was a heady moan, hips rocking upward into Josh's gentle grasp. He felt the wet warmth of Josh's tongue circle the tip of his cock and shuddered, barely able to manage glancing down at his boyfriend as he wrapped his lips around his cock and started to suck. 

"Fuck," Tyler rasped, one hand flopping to his side to grip the sheets tightly, the other reaching out to hold onto Josh's hair for dear life, but not pushing. "Josh,  _ oh _ ."

If there wasn't a dick in his mouth Tyler swore Josh would be smirking, but again, he didn't have much time to think on it when Josh was between his legs, sucking him off, when pleasure was shooting through his veins, rocking him close to the edge already. "Josh," he moaned, rolling his head to the side to muffle his sounds. "Slow," he managed in between breathy whines. "Too good."

Josh pulled off his cock with a loud pop, smirking exactly as Tyler predicted he would. "So beautiful," he murmured, then settled back down, spreading Tyler's legs a little wider. "M'gonna open you up now, okay? If it hurts too much, if you wanna stop, let me know."

Tyler, who was still trying valiantly to catch his breath, nodded a little in confirmation. "I trust you."

The grin that spread across Josh's face made his heart leap more than anything. It managed to shroud the looming fear in his head as Josh grabbed the lube from somewhere beside him, uncapping the bottle and slathering his fingers with it. "I'll go slow, okay? Let me know what you need." 

Once Tyler had nodded, there was the tip of a finger tapping gently at his hole, and it took a lot of willpower not to tense up. There were lips on his thighs, his hips, a hand reaching up and grabbing his own, lacing their fingers together. Then the finger pushed inward, and Tyler squeezed Josh's hand tightly, directing all the tension he felt to his grasp. Josh was murmuring and shushing him softly, whispering words of encouragement, praises, soothing him through the burn. 

It was slow going, but Josh didn't seem to mind the time it took to stretch. If anything he seemed to be enjoying it, showering Tyler in every show of affection known to man, trailing wet kisses up and down his cock to distract him as he pumped his finger, then fingers, in and out of him, whispering praises and 'I love you's to him periodically. It filled Tyler up with equal amounts love and pleasure until he could hardly tell the two apart, they'd become so mixed together in his mind and in his body. 

One particular thrust of Josh's fingers hit something inside of him, and he bucked his hips off the bed, gasping for air as if the atmosphere had suddenly lost all traces of oxygen. For a moment Josh looked worried, but Tyler's moaning started up again when he crooked his fingers, and a bright grin spread across Josh's face. "Prostate," Josh informed him, and with every spread of his fingers, every thrust, he crooked them into that delicious spot. Tyler was seeing stars.

"I'm ready," he choked out after several more moments of the delicious torture. "Josh, please, ready, I need you."

Josh was slow to pull his fingers out of Tyler, eyes trained on Tyler's every expression as he wiped his fingers off on the comforter, then as he slid off the bed momentarily to shove his own boxers down, revealing what must have been a painful hard on at this point. Tyler's eyes followed Josh as he grabbed the condom package from somewhere beside him and tore it open. He watched Josh's shaking hands roll the condom on, watched him stroke himself a few times before crawling back between Tyler's legs, inching up his body to kiss him breathless. 

"You sure you're okay?" Josh pressed, leaning his forehead against Tyler's, watching his eyes carefully. "You'll tell me if you wanna stop?"

"I promise," Tyler assured him. His hands slid over Josh's chest, fingers laced together at the back of his neck, pulling him down into a slower kiss. "I trust you. Just... go slow?"

Josh nodded profusely, peppering kisses up and down Tyler's jaw. "Of course, baby boy. I'll take care of you, I promise."

Overcome with emotion, Tyler leaned up and kissed Josh hard. He felt Josh searching beside them on the bed, and a second later Josh was prying himself slowly from the kiss, sitting back and stroking himself to spread lube across the condom. Tyler forced himself to relax back into the bed, focusing on his breathing and the beautiful figure that was Josh hovering above him, rather than the tip of Josh's cock resting against him.

Josh leaned forward again,this time grasping both of Tyler's hands and pinning them to the pillows by his head, holding onto him tightly. He let go of one, reaching down between them to line himself up. "Wrap your legs around me," he whispered, and Tyler complied, starting to shake a little with the anticipation taking over his mind. Then slowly, almost torturously slowly, he felt just the tip of Josh's cock press into him. His first reaction was to tense up, but he shut his eyes and focused on not doing that immediately, instead focusing on the soft kisses Josh was leaving all over his face and neck, the soft, soothing encouragements. "I've got you," Josh murmured, pausing a minute to let him adjust. "Just breathe, baby boy, I've got you. It's okay."

They communicated through quick nods and gentle squeezes once Josh reached up and connected both their hands again, hovering over him like a warm, protective blanket. When Tyler felt he'd adjusted enough he'd squeeze Josh's hands, and he'd push in a fraction more, then pause again. It took them a few minutes for Josh to bottom out, and the second he had, Josh groaned, dropping his forehead to the crook of Tyler's neck.

"Is this okay?" Josh asked, pecking gently at Tyler's neck. 

Tyler nodded furiously, head pressing back against the pillows as he craned his neck toward Josh's lips. "Can you... move?" Josh rocked his hips once, slowly and carefully, and Tyler moaned, squeezing Josh's hands tightly and arching his entire body upward. " _ Josh, Josh _ ."

They set a slower pace to begin with, just the slow, gentle rocking of hips back and forth, still careful, still getting used to the feeling. He knew Josh was putting forth inhuman effort at this point, given the breathy groans and low pitched grunts he was huffing into Tyler's neck every few seconds. 

It wasn't very long before Tyler was pushing his hips up to meet Josh's thrusts, squealing at the sudden change in angle. "Oh,  _ oh- _ Josh, Josh  _ there _ , oh fuck-"

Somewhere above him he heard Josh chuckle, but the thought of it slipped from his mind the second Josh let go of his hands to grasp his hips to keep the angle, and his mind slowly devolved to a pile of mush that could only think of 'Josh' and 'more'. 

"Like that, baby?" Josh asked, a smirk spreading across his lips as his forehead came to rest against Tyler's again. "Just like that?"

"Josh," he squeaked desperately, hands flying upward to scrabble for purchase at Josh's back. "More, I need-  _ more _ , harder."

With a short, whispered  _ 'fuck _ ,' Josh picked up the pace of his thrusts, near slamming his hips against Tyler's- but not quite, still incredibly careful, and the thought would've brought Tyler to tears again if the feeling of Josh's cock rubbing against his prostate hadn't taken the lead. "Touch yourself," Josh growled, leaving kisses and bites all the way up his neck, trailing to his ear. Immediately Tyler reached between them and started to fist his cock wildly, leaning his head as far back against the pillows as he could manage, teeth digging painfully against his bottom lip as he struggled to keep his groan as quiet as possible.

"Josh, oh my  _ god _ ," he cried out, visibly shaking just from being so damn close. "Josh,  _ Josh _ , m'gonna- you're gonna-  _ fuck _ ."

"C'mon," Josh urged, thrusting a little harder now, a little more desperate and frantic than before. " _ Shit _ , c'mon Ty. Come for me. You've been so good, baby, just let go now."

Tyler's eyes flew wide open, mouth parting in a silent scream as he felt himself tipping over the edge. With his free hand he grabbed the back of Josh's head and pulled him into a rough, open mouth kiss, muffling his high pitched and a little too loud shriek as he came, shuddering and spasming all over as Josh fucked him through it.

"Good boy," Josh growled against Tyler's mouth. "That's it.  _ Fuck- _ " Tyler watched in wide eyed, slack jawed awe as Josh's hips stuttered, thrusts uneven but just as hard, before he stilled completely and groaned loudly into the crook of Tyler's neck. He rocked his hips ever so slightly a few times, riding it out for the both of them, before he collapsed onto his elbows over Tyler, panting breathlessly into his shoulder. 

"Fuck," was the first word to come out of Josh's mouth, and it immediately had Tyler giggling madly. Josh joined him in laughing for a moment, lifting himself up a little to look Tyler in the eyes. "You okay?"

Tyler nodded once. "Really good."

"I'm glad." A grin spread across Josh's face, that wide, million-dimpled grin he'd grown to love. 

He pulled out slowly, rubbing Tyler's side apologetically, then crawled out of bed as he pried off the condom, tying it up and throwing it in the trash. "I'll be right back," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Tyler's forehead, then disappeared into the bathroom.

Tyler sighed, relaxing back into the bed, and let his eyes close as he let the moment sink in. 

In his mind, he'd always thought of sex as some magical experience for the books, with fireworks and rose petals. He never knew one spontaneous night spent in a little hotel room in Columbus could be such a meaningful and grand romantic gesture, never knew that simply being connected in such a way could be enough of a fantastical experience on its own. 

A moment later, Josh returned with a washcloth, flopping onto the bed beside Tyler before reaching over and cleaning off his stomach, kissing at his neck and shoulder all the while, before tossing the washcloth god knows where.

"So, as first times go..."

Tyler giggled. "It was good," he assured Josh. "Really good."

"I'm sorry if you're sore tomorrow."

"Totally worth it."

"Tyler?"

"Mmm?"

"I love you." Tyler turned his head to the side, watching Josh with a bright smile, before rolling over and curling up against him, letting Josh pull the comforter over them and hold him close. "So much."

"I love you, too." He felt Josh press a firm kiss to the top of his head, before leaning his against it. 

"Merry Christmas, Tyler Joseph."


	30. i want to give you tools that can destroy my heart

The next morning found Tyler wrapped up in Josh once more as the first slices of daylight peeked through the hotel window, huddled beneath sheets and comforters, limbs tangled together for warmth. Tyler let himself relish in Josh's soft touch, in the warm, sleepy kisses he left all across his neck and the back of his shoulder. He couldn't help it- if he could have his way, he'd never leave that bed. 

They fucked slowly as the morning passed, still huddled beneath the sheets, rocking together lazily. It was a definite contrast from the night before, but it rendered Tyler just as emotional, whimpering and crying out his affections as Josh showered him with love. He came with a gasped "I love you," on his lips, arms and legs wrapping as tightly around Josh as he could manage, keeping them as close together as physically possible. 

It took them a few minutes afterward to make their way into the bathroom, and another few minutes to get the shower working and actually clean each other off. Most of the ten minutes they ended up spending in the shower were spent giggling between lazy kisses, or complaining about accidentally getting soap into mouths. Once they emerged from the steam filled shower, Josh made sure to wrap Tyler up in a towel, holding him securely for a moment with a soft smile on his kiss swollen lips, before grasping his own towel and drying off- “drying off”- in record time, then rummaging through his bag for clothes.

“You didn’t even dry off,” Tyler huffed, earning a roll of the eyes from Josh. “Josh, you’re still wet.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, does that bother you?” Before Tyler could make another comment, Josh scrambled over, yanking his boxers up as he made his way over to Tyler’s still towel-wrapped form, and enveloped him into a tight, wet hug. “Does that bother you?”

Tyler squealed, immediately thrashing around in Josh’s grasp and pushing at his chest. “You’re awful,” he complained. “Get off of me, that’s so  _ gross _ .”

All he got in reply was a laugh, but after a moment Josh stepped back, tongue poking between his teeth as he grinned. “You’re cute.”

“And you still haven’t dried off.”

At that, Josh simply shot him a mischievous smirk and scampered off to get dressed despite how absolutely still _ sopping wet _ he was. Tyler could see the beads of shower water still on his pale skin as he shrugged a t-shirt on, frowned a little as the fabric soaked up the remaining water. “You’re weird.”

“You love me.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

So maybe it took a little longer than necessary to get dressed and check out. It was incredibly clear to both of them that they weren’t the only one who wanted to stay in their little getaway forever, that the other was lingering just as much. And maybe Josh crowded Tyler against the doorway right before they headed out, just to kiss him absolutely breathless and soak up their escape from reality just a moment more, just cling to their night alone a few seconds longer… then headed out, hand in hand, to the lobby.

Tyler felt the difference poignantly as they walked down the hall to the elevator, not just in the ache at his hips, though he had managed to down some ibuprofen in between the kissing and lingering earlier. He felt it in Josh’s hand grasping his a little tighter, in his eyes watching Tyler a little closer, his gaze a little warmer, a little fonder. 

“You’re amazing,” he heard Josh whisper in the silence of the parking lot as they crossed it to the truck. “I mean it. I’m so lucky to know you.”

All Tyler could manage was a smile, a wide, true smile up at Josh, and a soft squeeze of his hand, before he dropped his gaze shyly and started swinging their hands between them. “Thank you,” he murmured. The air was chilly, and Tyler could see his breath hovering in front of him, heavy and smoke-like. "For all of this, this whole weekend." As soon as they came up behind the truck, Tyler paused, forcing Josh to stop and turn toward him as he spoke. "And to think, I was so worried I wouldn't get to spend my Christmas with you, that I'd have to sit at home and socialize this whole break."

Josh barked out a short laugh, then leaned over and kissed Tyler's forehead chastely. "I'm more than happy to steal you away at a moment's notice," he assured Tyler.

With a final squeeze of hands, the two parted to scramble up into the truck and crank the heat up again. Tyler relaxed back into the passenger seat, turning his head to the side to watch Josh as he backed out and maneuvered through the parking lot and onto the open road. A hand came to rest on Tyler's thigh, and he sighed, slipping his hand into Josh's grasp and locking their fingers together. "I love you," he sighed.

He watched the grin spread across Josh's face, lips spread wide and dimples crinkling into his cheeks. "I love you, too."

The roads of Columbus were fairly quiet that morning- nearly noon, but the sun was shrouded by hazy winter clouds, and Tyler was still waking up, so it was all the same to him. Truthfully, he would've been more than content to just sit in the truck with Josh for the rest of the day, driving with no destination in mind. As soon as the thought crossed his mind, his stomach rumbled, and it earned a soft giggle from Josh.

"My dad used to work a few blocks from this Sergeant Pepper's," he explained. "He used to take me and my siblings up here for lunch all the time."

"That's really cool," Tyler murmured, holding Josh's hand to his chest as he watched him drive. Lo and behold, there was the Sergeant Peppers in question, looming before them. Josh pulled into the adjoining parking lot and parked, then paused a minute before shutting off the ignition entirely. 

"I haven't been here in years," Josh muttered. His eyes lifted, glanced over at Tyler, and his lips curled up into a fond smile, before tilting his head downward and letting his eyes flutter shut. Tyler could tell there was something buzzing through his boyfriend's mind, but he didn't push it, instead reaching over with his free hand to cup the side of Josh's face, brushing his thumb back and forth against his cheek, and sighing when Josh leaned into the touch.

When Josh's eyes opened finally, there were tears glistening in them, gathering at the corners. Tyler almost opened his mouth to speak, but nothing but a distressed little sigh escaped as he let go of Josh's hand just to cradle Josh's face in both hands, caressing his cheeks, his jaw, his neck in an attempt to soothe him. "Josh," was all he managed to whisper. In response Josh just shook his head, croaking out a soft laugh and blinking back his tears.

"S'okay," Josh muttered, turning his head a little to kiss the palm of Tyler's hand. "I'm okay." When he met Tyler's gaze again, he was smiling, and though a tear had leaked and streamed down his face, he looked happy. "I'm just really proud of you," he explained. "Of us."

"You sure you're okay?" Tyler pressed, and though Josh nodded, he kept going. He swept away the tear that had trailed down to Josh's cheek with his thumb, before leaning in and kissing his boyfriend softly, hands carding through Josh's shaggy red hair comfortingly, smoothing down his neck and the backs of his shoulders, attempting to soothe him in every way possible. "Baby," Tyler finally whispered against Josh's lips. He heard Josh sniffle at the pet name, and in response started rubbing soft circles into Josh's back. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Josh nodded a few times, leaning his forehead against Tyler's. He sucked in a deep breath. "I know," he murmured. "God, it's just... so  _ stupid _ ."

Tyler frowned. "If it's bothering you, it's not stupid."

"I know, I just..." 

Instead of letting Josh ramble on, Tyler pressed a firm kiss to his lips, then unbuckled his seatbelt and maneuvered around to crawl into the backseat, arms wide open. "C'mere, you goof," he insisted, and with a small, choked out laugh, Josh followed him into the back and settled into Tyler's embrace. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing," Josh mumbled, burrowing his face into the crook of Tyler's neck. 

" _ Baby _ ..."

A sniffle. "It's just... I, um... I just... I haven't..." A slow, deep breath. "I have, um... anxiety?" Josh blurted out in a soft mutter. "Uh, like the generalized anxiety disorder. And I never tell anyone about it because I don't want them to think of me differently because it, or treat me differently. It's not usually that big of a deal. I take medication for it, I've seen a therapist before and... like, usually I can handle it." Josh paused, nuzzling further against Tyler- Tyler, for one, was _reeling_. He'd had  _ no _ idea, not even an  _ inkling _ , about this. "That's why I got my nose pierced, or dye my hair crazy colors," he confessed quietly, carefully not meeting Tyler’s gaze. "Cause I know I'm weak, I know I'm easy to mess with, cause I get so anxious and I don't... I don't fight it when people push me around. But if I look tough, people won't... y'know, take advantage of that."

For a moment, Tyler was silent. His lips were pressed firmly together as he struggled to hold it together, to keep his cool if only for Josh's sake. He leaned down and hid his face in Josh's hair for a moment, taking a few slow breaths, before pulling back and speaking. "Josh, look at me."

"How the tables have turned," Josh muttered jokingly, but when his head lifted, there was fear there, reflecting in his eyes, in his hunched shoulders. Tyler could feel his heart breaking at the sight, and he was sure it showed on his face, but he pressed onward. 

"I'm so sorry," he spoke slowly, trying to make sense of his thoughts as he spoke them. "I mean,  _ shit _ . I'm sorry people have messed with you so much that you thought you had to pretend to be someone else just to avoid it. I had no idea, I..." Tyler shook his head, leaning his forehead gently against Josh's. "Josh, you don't ever have to pretend around me. Never. If I don't have to worry about having crazy emotional breakdowns around you, then you don't have to worry about getting anxious around me, okay?"

"But I'm not," Josh insisted, gaze boring insistently into Tyler's. "I mean, sometimes..."

Tyler choked a little, swallowing hard. "It's okay."

"No, no- I  _ shouldn't _ . I have no reason to get anxious." Josh shook his head, and Tyler could see the new tears in his eyes now. "I shouldn't be scared to tell my boyfriend that I have anxiety, that's so  _ stupid _ ."

Instead of refuting, Tyler simply wrapped his arms even tighter around Josh, holding him even closer. He let Josh shift around in his grasp, let him rest his head on Tyler's chest and cry. The sound broke his heart, fractured it into tiny pieces, but he pushed past it as hard as he could, putting his complete focus on soothing his boyfriend, on rubbing his back and shushing him, on simply being there.

It took a few minutes, but Josh's cries died down to the occasional sniffle. Tyler had his fingers tangled in Josh's hair, carding through it soothingly as he listened to Josh's breathing slow. He started to hum a little under his breath, and when the lyrics came to his mind, he let them fly out of his mouth against his will.

" _ Sometimes we will die and sometimes, we will fly away, _ __  
_ either way you're by my side, until my dying day, _ __  
_ and if I'm not there and I'm far away, I said, _ _  
_ __ don't be afraid. "

A small hiccup sounded from Josh, who snuggled even closer to Tyler, sighing into his chest.

" _ I said, don't be afraid. _ _  
_ _ We're going home. _ "

A moment later, Josh peeked up at him, sniffling and offering a tiny smile. "M'sorry," he mumbled. "I haven't freaked out like that in a while."

"It's okay," Tyler assured him, leaning down and kissing his nose. "Seriously, don't apologize. You can't control that. And there's nothing wrong with getting upset, or panicking."

At that, Josh made a face. "Still hate it, though," he grunted, then promptly hid his face in Tyler's neck once more, kissing the skin there chastely. "I never wanna deal with people again. Just you."

Tyler giggled. "Wanna get McDonald's instead?"

" _ No _ ," Josh whined. "I promised you a date."

"McDonald's is perfectly acceptable for a date. Honest." A pause. "And that way, you only have to deal with the cashier, from a distance."

It took a minute, but eventually Josh sat up and faced Tyler, frowning a little. "Are you sure? I feel bad."

"Don't," Tyler insisted. He reached over and cupped Josh's jaw in his hand once more as he spoke, sighing a little in admiration. "Don't push yourself. Getting up in front of hundreds of people to play music with me was a lot for one weekend, and that's okay. We have all the time in the world to go on  _ so _ many dates."

At that, Josh managed a tiny smile, tongue poking out between his teeth a little as it grew. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

A pause. Then a deep breath. "... Alright. McDonald's it is."

"Good, because I'm  _ starving _ ."

~

The first thing they did when returning home was... not actually  _ go _ home, despite how Josh had assured Tyler's father that he'd have his son home right on time the next day- they hadn't technically decided on a time, so both boys deemed it well within their liberty to take as long as physically possible to part ways until they could hang out next.

The first stop they made, after McDonald's, was the park. It was late afternoon, and Tyler had filled himself up with Coke and chicken nuggets until he was perfectly content, leaning over to feed Josh french fries and nuggets as he drove. He pulled up into a parking spot in front of the familiar slopes of grass and shut off the truck, immediately relaxing back and looking to Tyler fondly.

"I know I say it a lot," Josh muttered, picking up a french fry and gesturing with it before stuffing it into his mouth, "and I've especially said it a lot this week, but I love you."

Tyler broke into a grin. "You have said that a lot, doofus." A pause, and Tyler leaned over the console between them to peck Josh's cheek quickly. "But I love you, too. Even if you're just one big emotional sap."

At that Josh threw his head back and laughed, shrugging his shoulders a little. "Touche, monkey boy."

Tyler snorted. "Cmon."

"Hey, I told you that was gonna make a comeback."

Instead of fighting it, Tyler picked up his Coke and sipped on what was left of it, which may have been pretty watered down at this point, but he wasn't about to waste soda. "I haven't been here in forever," Tyler mused aloud. "I mean, I know we've hung out here before, but I haven't actually been in most of the park in so long."

"Wanna explore?" Josh suggested.

"It's, like, negative bagillion degrees outside."

Josh tipped his head back and laughed. "I'll keep you warm, don't worry."

With that promise, the two scrambled out of the truck, eagerly rushing together to keep warm- it definitely wasn't negative bagillion degrees, but it  _ was _ a whopping twenty five, which called for them to huddle as close together as possible as they shuffled down into the now very brown grass, and across to the playground.

Tyler huffed out a laugh as they approached it, letting go of Josh simply to rush forward and hop onto one of the swings. "I feel like a little kid," he mumbled, kicking his legs a little. Josh watched him swing for a moment, hands shoved into his pockets to keep warm, eyes alight with adoration that had Tyler blushing. "Come swing with me, dork."

"Aren't the swings freezing?"

"It's not that bad," Tyler insisted, pouting a little as he kicked his legs a little more and swung forward, a little closer to Josh. "Come have fun with me."

Josh attempted to roll his eyes and act aloof, but his lips spread into a wide smile nonetheless, and his eyes crinkled in that familiar way that signaled to Tyler that he was trying very hard not to laugh, and he trudged through the gravel to join Tyler at the swings. "Thought you'd prefer the monkey bars, monkey boy."

Tyler threw his head back and groaned, but it morphed into a laugh. He watched Josh hop onto the swing next to him and push off lazily, more hovering in the air on his swing than actually actively kicking his legs as Tyler had decided on. "That was bad," Tyler admonished, but the grin hadn't left his face. 

They remained that way for a while, swinging and making jokes, poking fun at one another and relishing in the easy conversation, the laughter and the banter, that came naturally to them. A pang shot through Tyler's chest as he remembered that sometimes, Josh even felt anxious around him, but he didn't think on it. He couldn't dwell on the thoughts and fears his boyfriend couldn't control, or he'd go insane. Instead he focused on the bright smile gracing Josh's face, lighting up his whole body as he rocked back and forth on his swing, watching Tyler kick his legs into the air until he swung higher and higher. 

Suddenly, Tyler's focus completely deviated from his incredibly precious boyfriend next to him, and onto the open air. It appeared that, while neither of them were paying attention, little flurries of white had started to float down from the pale grey skies above them, fluttering softly as they littered the gravel, the brown grass, the swingset, and themselves, with tiny white specks, barely visible at that present moment, but Tyler knew that after several minutes of the snowfall it'd become whiter and whiter all around them. 

"I feel like I'm in a Hallmark movie," Tyler blurted out suddenly, immediately blushing and giggling once he'd made the remark. He heard Josh chuckle and agree beside him. "I mean, this is how it happens, isn't it? The main characters are just kind of hanging out, nothing exciting, and then something magical and winter-y happens."

"Like snow," Josh confirmed, a little giggle on his lips. "Magical and winter-y."

"It's absolutely magical, it hasn't snowed  _ once _ this  _ whole _ month!"

Josh hopped off his swing then, darting a little further forward and sticking his tongue out. Tyler couldn't help the loud laugh that burst out of him, and he stuck his legs down, scraping his feet through the gravel to slow his swinging so he could hop off and join him, rushing up behind Josh and wrapping his arms tightly around him. 

"You're right," Josh murmured, turning his head a little to meet Tyler's wide eyes. "It's just like a movie."

Tyler bit his lip, suddenly looking down, eyes fixated on Josh's shoulder. "I think this is the part where they kiss."

" _ Oh _ , is that right?"

At that Tyler burst into giggles, nodding matter-of-factly at Josh. "I think so."

With a small smirk on his lips, Josh turned in Tyler's grasp, letting his hands drift down to grasp Tyler's waist and hold him close. "I mean, your lips do look kind of _cold_..."

A short laugh burst out of Tyler, and he reached up to grip the hair at the back of Josh's head gently, pushing him ever so slightly closer. "Will you kiss me already, or do I have to do everything myself around here?"

Before Tyler could take matters into his own hands, Josh leaned down and closed the scant amount of space between them, connecting their lips in a long, slow kiss. Tyler responded eagerly, leaning up on the tips of his toes and grasping onto Josh's shoulders to push him closer. The fear of being seen still loomed in the back of his mind, but he shoved it away, focusing on being close to Josh, relishing in his warmth, in showering his boyfriend in affection and being showered in affection in return.

Every so often, he really, truly realized how much the boy he was kissing meant to him. He realized how tightly he clung to this boy, how much raw, unabashed happiness he brought into Tyler's life, and in so many different ways. No matter what came their way, Tyler knew that Josh would mean the world to him. Josh would always be the rock that kept him grounded, that pulled him out of toxic thoughts, that steadied him when the world around him shook him to the core. 

He wanted to be that for Josh, more than anything. He wanted to provide a safe haven from Josh's mind, his deepest, scariest thoughts. It was the same feeling he'd gotten performing Johnny Boy the other night, the same feeling that had driven him to the very front of the stage, reaching out to the audience as best as he knew how, singing as loudly as he could manage. But it was different. It was different, really knowing the person he was trying to protect, to help. It became so incredibly personal, so incredibly  _ dire _ , in a split second. It almost felt as if Tyler was responsible for taking care of Josh- and maybe that wasn't the healthiest train of thought to follow, but he didn't care. Or, rather, he cared a  _ lot _ . 

"I love you," Tyler spoke suddenly into the kiss, breaking it for a fraction of a second, letting Josh's lips ghost kisses across his cheek. "I love you so much. Whatever your brain tells you when it gets scary, no matter what it says, I love you."

Instead of kissing him again, Josh dropped his head into the crook of Tyler's neck, taking several deep breaths. "You promise?" In an instant, Josh's voice had become so small, so soft and breakable, that Tyler felt it pierce through his chest and hit him hard in the heart the very second the words left Josh's mouth. 

"I promise," Tyler repeated firmly, pressing a heavy kiss to the top of Josh's head. "Josh, you mean the whole world to me."

Josh lifted his head a little, offering a small smile to Tyler as he leaned forward and pecked his lips again. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve you," he mumbled.

"You didn't have to  _ do _ anything," he sighed, hugging Josh as close as possible. "You’re Josh, and that’s all that matters to me.”


	31. the ground taunts my wings, plummet as i sing

Tyler shut his eyes tightly as his fingers danced across the piano keys, plunking out the chords he'd picked for the new song he'd been working on. He'd only recorded the piano melody and refrain for Josh to listen to, but the lyrics he kept hidden- for now. He wanted it to be a surprise. He wanted it to be special.

As soon as he'd gotten home the other day, he'd thrown himself into his music once more. He'd been riddled with inspiration the entire weekend, every new spark of happiness, every instance, sparking an idea, a lyric, a melody in his mind that itched to be written, to be sang, to be created. It was easy to believe, in that mindset, that the second he'd gotten home he'd practically locked himself up in the basement with his keyboard, a pen, and paper, and had set to write and sing and create with probably the rest of his time that winter break. 

He'd just invited Josh to come over, just as he started to run through the new song on the keyboard, and immediately he started to buzz with excitement. He wasn't sure if Josh would hear Oh Ms Believer today, but it would be his as soon as Tyler fine tuned it. He wanted it to be perfect. Josh deserved it.

They were set, as it happened, to record other songs that afternoon. He'd scraped together a few pieces he was pretty happy with, and decided he'd run them by Josh when he arrived, and they could record together. He'd just started to run through one of them when he heard footsteps coming down to the basement, which he assumed was one of his parents or siblings telling him Josh was there, but when the basement door creaked open, it wasn't one of them that came through.

" _ Hello, I've been traveling in the desert of my mind, and I _ _  
_ _ I haven't found a drop, of life. _ "

It was Josh, carrying the unattached pieces of his electric drums and setting them beside the keyboard where Tyler sat, eyes glued onto him as he played and sang. Josh had never heard this song, Tyler knew, and he gave his boyfriend a tiny smile as he continued to plunk out notes and chords.

" _ I haven't found a drop, of You. _ _  
_ _ I haven't found a drop, I haven't found a drop. _ "

As soon as he managed to whisper out, "of water," Josh was leaning down to kiss his cheek. "I like this one," Josh informed him softly, a bright smile spread across his lips. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Tyler grinned, somehow managing to play out the chords a few times before fading them, and turned to Josh. "It's missing things, but it's a start."

"Do you have more?"

"Maybe."

Josh laughed, immediately plopping down onto the floor cross-legged, and stared up at Tyler expectantly. "Well, let's hear it then."

It took Tyler a few moments to compose himself, bracing for the rap, but he continued to play for Josh and focused his full attention on the keyboard in front of him. He got lost in the melody for a moment, embellishing for a few notes before the words of the rap started to fly out of his mouth. They grew in volume as he went until he was very nearly shouting, like a pleading cry, into the open air, head tilting a slight bit backward as if screaming to the sky, crying out to the God he hoped so dearly was above, and also feared. 

There were tears in his eyes once the song ended, and arms around him, holding him close. "Tyler," he heard Josh murmur, sounding far away behind his soft cries. He was crying now, he realized belatedly. "That was so beautiful. Shit, baby, that was beautiful." 

Tyler buried his face into Josh's neck, inhaling deeply. "It's so much," he mumbled brokenly.

"I know, baby, I know."

He tilted his head a little then, making eye contact with his boyfriend. "Josh?"

"Yeah?"

Eyes falling shut for a moment, Tyler took in another deep breath. "How did you come to terms with... with your..." A sniffle. Tyler opened his eyes, fear reflecting poignantly in the tears pooling within them. "With your sexuality." At that, Josh pursed his lips, and Tyler scrambled to fix it. "I'm sorry, god, I didn't- I'm just, I'm scared and-"

"No, no, it's okay," Josh rushed to assure him. His hands came up to rub Tyler's sides as he shifted off the piano chair to kneel next to him, looking up at him with a weary smile. "It's okay. I know how terrifying it is to... y'know, grow up religious and be taught that who you are and how you feel is sinful and disgusting." Josh inhaled deeply. "Believe me, I know. I'd never judge you for being scared, okay? You can tell me anything in the world, I would never judge you."

"I don't  _ want _ to be scared," Tyler insisted, gripping Josh's forearms as if clinging to them for dear life. And maybe he was. "I don't want to be. I'm... I don't feel it when I'm with you. Or when I think about you. It's only when I'm alone, or with my family, and it just... I question everything about myself. Not just... that.  _ Everything _ . My bad thoughts, all of them, my insecurities, my demons... I feel guilty about it."

Without a word, Josh grabbed Tyler's hips and slid him off the piano chair, pulling him into Josh's lap and hugging him tightly. "That's completely natural," Josh murmured, starting to rub Tyler's back soothingly as he spoke. "I get that way too sometimes. Doubting myself. Hating myself. I always feel like a huge burden because of my anxiety, so I rarely tell anyone about it. Like, not even most of my friends know. I don't want them to treat me differently because of it. I don't want to be annoying about it. So don't ever beat yourself up for feeling guilty, okay?" Josh leaned his forehead against Tyler's head, sighing a little. "It's okay. It just means you care a lot, you feel a lot."

Tyler shook his head, gripping onto Josh's arms tighter now. "I don't want to be scared of going to hell just because I love you," Tyler whimpered, immediately burying his face in Josh's neck. "Saying it here makes it scarier."

"I know," Josh whispered. "I know, it's so awful. Listen, I'm not about to tell you what to believe, but... if you really take a good look at the Bible, there's a lot of shit people do and have no problem with to day that supposedly would get them thrown into hell back then, but not anymore. If we're going to hell," Josh chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of Tyler's head, "then there's a lot of people joining us, got it?"

At that, Tyler managed a little giggle. "Got it," he replied softly.

"I know it's hard to let go of stuff you've been told your whole life, but I promise it's doable." A creak of the floorboards upstairs jolted Tyler out of his emotional slump, and he slid out of Josh's laugh carefully, making a tortured face at Josh as he immediately situated himself to sit cross legged across from him and grab his hands tightly. "It's okay," Josh assured him, squeezing Tyler's hands. "I know. Honestly, I don't know what's worse, not knowing how your parents would react if you came out, or knowing full well what their reaction would be."

"They'd never accept me," Tyler muttered, staring down at their connected hands.

"You never know."

"They've bad talked gay people at the dinner table, at church..."

Josh shrugged. "It's always different when it's about your kid, and not some stranger that's gay, or any kind of different. My dad used to be that way, super homophobic, but when I came out to my mom, and he found out... it's like he did a total 180. He was so accepting." Josh paused a minute in recollection, bowing his head a little and squeezing Tyler's hands again. "I know it isn't always like that. I know there are some people who... who, once they're taught something, it sticks. And I wish I could change that." When he looked up again, Josh's eyes were teary. "It's all up to you, Ty. If you think the hope outweighs the risk, then go for it. But don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, and... honestly, if you really think they won't react well, focus on accepting yourself first."

Tyler frowned then, shaking his head. "I've already accepted it."

"No you haven't." Tyler cocked his head to the side in confusion. "You've accepted our relationship. I mean, accept yourself. Who you are, whoever that is. However you feel inside, accept that, and then think about the prospect of others knowing." 

For a moment Tyler was frozen, eyes falling shut as he inhaled sharply. He knew Josh was right, that he hadn't done that. Really thought about his attraction to others, thought about who he was, where he fit into the grand scheme of sexuality. "Labels are terrifying," he muttered, looking down into his lap. "I barely know who I am as a person, how am I supposed to figure out what identity I fit?"

Josh chuckled a little, shaking his head. "That's okay, you don't have to know right away. Take your time. And just know that you don't have to use any label if you don’t want to. I wish someone had told me that way back when," he muttered. He then tugged Tyler forward by their connected hands, and with a roll of his eyes Tyler situated himself back into Josh's lap. "So long as you’re happy, fuck what everyone else thinks."

"You know so much about everything," Tyler murmured as he leaned his head in the crook of Josh's neck.

"Well, yeah," Josh agreed, shrugging the shoulder Tyler hadn't leaned on. "From experience. I've been exactly where you are, remember? I lived through it all."

"I don't want to," Tyler groaned. With a loud, dramatic sigh, he flopped back across Josh's chest, lowering his head softly to the carpet and flinging his arm out to the side. "I don't want to be anything but Tyler Joseph, is that so much to ask? Why does there have to be all this extra confusing stuff?"

Josh threw his head back a little and laughed. "One day at a time, Tyler Joseph," he assured the boy sprawled out in his lap in distress. "Take it one day at a time."

"One day at a time is harder than it sounds."

"Hard, but manageable."

~

"Saw you in Columbus," Brendon pipes up as Josh worms his way across the living room and into the kitchen. "Your music is really sick, man. I love your sound."

Tyler had never really been a social butterfly; not with church youth groups, and certainly not on the high school scene. He elected to keep to himself, to shut others out and remain invulnerable to the masses- unless, apparently, they were a bright haired, nose pierced, and mostly careless (only on the outside) punk. Somehow that kid had managed to break down his heavy duty walls he'd built to block out any social interaction, somehow he'd wormed his way into Tyler's heart, into his every thought, into his life. 

And somehow, Tyler couldn't really bring himself to mind, even though he’d had no intentions of going to Debby’s New Year’s party just a few days ago- it wasn’t until Josh had given him the signature puppy dog eyes and promised to keep him company that he relented.

Tyler shied away a little at Brendon’s remark, but ended up grinning. "Thanks, man."

"And the whole innocent vibe, even when you're singing that dark stuff?" he added in a chuckle. "Love it."

The words made Tyler a little uneasy, but he fought to take it in stride. He was, after all, a stranger to this side of the high school social landscape. But he was sure Brendon meant well. He was friends with Josh after all.

Just as Debby clambered onto the couch and clinked a spoon against her glass, coughing loudly to gain everyone's attention, Tyler felt a hand on his ass, felt it squeeze gently, and immediately jolted away from the touch. He glanced around- Josh was just returning from the kitchen with two glasses of punch, a dopey grin on his face. The room itself was full of kids, but not necessarily crowded. Who...

The only culprit was the Brendon Urie at his side, and without hesitating, he deemed it a mistake. Surely he wouldn't meaningfully grab Tyler. Of course not.

"Tyler, can I talk to you for a sec?" Brendon suddenly asked from behind him. His voice was lower now, just husky enough for Tyler to tense up, and for his eyes to fly over to Josh, still working his way back across the room. 

But he couldn't be rude. "Sure," he mumbled, keeping his eyes on the floor as Brendon led him by the shoulder down a hallway. It was dark. What could Brendon possibly want?

He was instantly jostled from his thoughts as Brendon grasped both of his shoulders and turned Tyler to face him, and his eyes flew wide open in mild terror as Brendon stared him down. "I was gonna ask you if you wanted to work on music together sometime," he breathed out. His breath smelled heavily of alcohol, and it made Tyler cringe and back away, but he only cornered himself against the wall. Perfect. "You're so pretty."

Tyler swallowed hard, turning his head down the hall as he tried to squirm out of Brendon's grasp as politely and quickly as possible. "I should go-"

" _ Tyler _ ," Brendon groaned, and that's when he froze. There were lips at his ear, huffing loud, hot breaths against his skin, then they were on his neck, and he was trying so hard not to cry too loudly as there were lips on his.

He tried, he tried shoving at Brendon's chest, but he only pushed closer, he tried moving aside but Brendon's hands gripped his hips and held him against the wall. There was a leg between his now, grinding against his crotch forcefully, and it  _ hurt _ .

He was sobbing against Brendon's mouth now, salty tears mixing with spit, and Brendon must have noticed because he pulled back to look at Tyler in mild confusion, and that's when he shoved  _ hard _ at Brendon’s chest made a break for it. 

Tyler ran. He had no idea where he was going, besides the opposite direction of where they'd come. At the end of the hall was a bathroom, and he immediately sped into it, near slamming the door shut behind him and locking it. 

As soon as he was safe and locked away, Tyler dropped to the space in front of the toilet, shoved the seat up, and vomited. There were still tears spilling violently down his cheeks, there was a rough stinging in his crotch, and there was the foul taste of alcohol on his tongue. At this point he wasn’t sure if he wanted to throw up until every trace of the night had disappeared, shower for a day straight, burn his clothes, or what. 

_ You deserved it. _

Tyler choked on the last trails of spit as they spilled out of his mouth, heaving a sob as he reached for the toilet paper to wipe off his mouth.

_ You were asking for it.  _

Tyler leaned back and folded up into himself, still crying too hard into his arms to even create noises, the burning in his throat not near enough of a distraction from the burning on his-

_ You weren’t complaining when he was complimenting you.  _

_ You deserved it. _

_ I bet Josh knows. _

_ I bet Josh  _ hates _ you now. _

“ _Stop_ ,” Tyler cried hoarsely. Fingers dug into his hair, as if trying to rip it out, create a new stinging distraction.

“Baby?” Immediately Tyler choked again, leaning forward over the toilet bowl to sob whatever was left in his stomach into it. “Tyler, are you alright?”

Tyler sniffed, crawling back after a moment to unlock the door with shaking fingers. “M’fine,” he garbled out, before rocketing back over the toilet just in time for another rush of spit to funnel out of his mouth.

The door creaked open. “Oh, Tyler,” he heard Josh murmur softly, before closing the door behind him and crouching next to him. “Baby, I’m sorry- do you want me to get you anything? Water, Sprite?”

It took an inhuman amount of effort to keep from crying as hard as he wanted to. “Wanna go home,” he whimpered. He allowed Josh to collect him into his arms, to wipe at his mouth again and toss the piece of toilet paper into the bowl before flushing, to pet his hair and shush him until he calmed down as much as he could possibly calm down. “M’sorry I ruined everything.”

“Tyler, it’s not your fault,” Josh assured him, cupping Tyler’s cheek in one hand, eyes boring into his.

_ It’s your fault. You deserved it. _

“I wanna go home,” he croaked out, and with a gentle nod, Josh stood up with Tyler in his arms princess style, and started walking them out of the house.

Tyler let his eyes fall shut, his head nestling into the crook of Josh’s neck as he was carried away. 

“Is he okay?”

“Threw up in the bathroom, I’m gonna take him home so he can rest.”

“Aw, of course. Feel better Tyler!”

With his eyes closed, he couldn’t see Brendon Urie’s face at all as they crossed through the living room again, and that was perfectly fine with him. But if he cried into Josh’s neck as they left the house, he’d blame it on the stomach pains and the burning sensation in his throat.


	32. my skin will start to break up and fall apart

Tyler put forth an incredible effort to keep from bursting into tears again as Josh pulled over by his house. His efforts doubled as he slinked out of the passenger seat when he saw Josh running around the truck to meet him, slipping an arm around his torso to hold him up and help him to the door. He wasn't sure how obvious it was that he was barely holding it together, but from the way Josh was handling him like a porcelain doll in a toddler's hands, he figured he looked about as shitty as he felt.

"Thanks, he mumbled once they reached the door. "I'm sorry for making you-"

"Don't," Josh cut him off. "Your well being is completely more important than New Years, okay?" With that, Josh leaned over and kissed Tyler's forehead, before withdrawing his arm, leaving Tyler cold. "Get some rest, okay?"

"Okay," Tyler mumbled, and with a small wave goodbye and a weary smile, Tyler shuffled into the house, watching behind him as Josh meandered back to the truck, then shutting the front door and watching from the window as Josh waved and drove away. 

"Tyler?" he heard his mother call softly, and turned to face her where she stood in the doorway of the kitchen, eyebrows knitted together in concern. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," he croaked out, immediately cursing himself for telling the least convincing lie he'd ever told his mother. 

"Tyler Robert," she chided, "You're not fooling me- you look like a mess." He choked out a laugh at that, sniffing and lowering his gaze to the floor as his mother walked toward him. "Tyler, tell me what's wrong."

Tyler just shook his head. "It's nothing, I got sick at the party," he mumbled. 

"Oh, honey," his mother cooed, immediately wrapping an arm around him and walking him to the staircase. "You go lay down, alright? I'll bring you some water. Do you want saltine crackers, or do you think that'd just make it worse?"

"Just water's fine," Tyler muttered as he slinked up the steps. Frankly, he'd much rather just curl up under the covers and cry for the rest of the night, but if he knew his mother at all, she'd be having none of it. 

Tyler plunked up the stairs resignedly, head drooping against his chest and hand clinging to the railing as he climbed up. Everything felt like lead, his breaths, his head, his limbs, as if gravity decided to weigh ten times heavier on him than usual tonight. He could hear his mom shuffling around in the kitchen as he clambered into his room, not even bothering to turn the lights on, instead just throwing himself face first onto the bed, nestling into the pillows and kicking off his shoes so he could slip under the covers and hide, just hide. 

"I brought you crackers just in case," his mother informed him quietly as she crept into the room, setting both the glass and the little bowl of crackers on his bedside table. Instead of leaving Tyler to his misery, however, his mom sat on the side of his bed, looking at him with barely concealed concern. "Are you sure everything's alright?"

Tyler tried nodding, but it turned more into him burying his face back into his pillow to hide, tears spilling onto the sheets as he cowered away.

"Honey, are you sure?"

"Mom, it’s nothing," he whimpered out.

"Tyler, you aren't fooling anyone," she assured him, then reached over and started rubbing his arm up and down through his shirt, frowning at him in concern. "You can tell me if something's bothering you, you know that, right?"

Tyler choked on a cry as he tried escaping, and she merely shushed him just like Josh had, still rubbing his arm gently. "S'nothing," he mumbled brokenly, eyes squeezing shut as more tears leaked out. "M'fine."

"Tyler," she insisted softly. "Did something happen tonight?"

That was the final straw, what finally broke his resistence. He started to cry, burying his head in his free arm as sobs forced their way out of him, ripping at his already burning throat as they wracked out of him, soaking the arm of his shirt with tears. Wordlessly, his mom lifted him up and pulled him against her side, rubbing his back with one hand as he sobbed into her shoulder. 

He wasn't used to this. He and his mother didn't have tender, caring moments like this. They were very few and very far in between if the happened at all, once every few months, or years. He'd never been particularly close with either of his parents, and though he knew deep down they loved and cared for him, he couldn't say they were the most affectionate parents out there. It had never phased him growing up, but now he was grateful for what few moments he had with either of them.

"It's okay," his mom whispered, hugging Tyler close. "Let it all out, I'm right here."

It took him a few moments to regain control over his breath, but he managed to reduce his crying to a soft weep every now and then, sniffling and sitting back on his heels after a few minutes, staring at his lap. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" his mom asked.

His eyes squeezed shut. 

"It's okay, Tyler." His mother grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them. "It's okay."

Tyler shook his head. "Brendon Urie was at the party tonight." He felt his throat start to close up as he spit the words out, but it was better to let them hang in the open air then let them fester inside. "He... he was drunk, I think."

He paused. His eyes were squeezing almost painfully tightly shut, his mom was rubbing the backs of his hands softly, and it took every ounce of self control he had left to keep from breaking off into new sobs.

"He... asked if he could talk to me, and he pulled me aside. I thought, cause... he does music, I thought... he wanted to talk about music."

His mom nodded.

"But he didn't."

No response. A gentle squeeze to his hands.

"He..." Tyler sucked in a harsh breath, feeling the nauseous words filling up his mouth just as he'd felt them earlier that night. "He..."

His mom nodded.

"He kissed me," Tyler blurted out. He felt sick again. "He kissed me. He wouldn't stop. He kept touching me. I-I didn't want... I didn't w-want him t-to, he didn't... I think h-he was g-gonna... I-I..."

Without a word, Tyler felt his mother pull him into her arms once more, rubbing his back and soothing him softly as he sobbed. He was going to be sick all over again. He was going to throw up.

_ It's all your fault. You did this. You asked for it. You deserved it. It's your fault, Tyler. It's your fault. You asked for it. You deserved it, Tyler. You deserved it. _

"This was not your fault," he vaguely registered his mom stammering out. She sounded choked up, and it only doubled his sobbing. "Tyler Robert Joseph, let me make this very, very clear. This is not your fault. This boy..." She shook her head, and started rubbing his back in circles again. "This is  _ his _ fault. If he was drinking- and that doesn't excuse it at all. But if this stupid drunk boy wouldn't mind his business at a party, that is not your fault, okay? I swear, I have some choice words for that boy and his mother, I'll-"

"Don't," Tyler gasped out, choking on his own sobs and breath as he drew back sharply. "I-I don't w-want people to kn... to know... I d-don't..."

"It's okay," his mother shushed him. "It's okay. You don't have to talk to anybody about this if you don't want to, alright? But let me make it very clear that this boy's actions will not go unpunished. He needs to be controlled, his parents should not be allowing such behavior. Alright?" Tyler nodded wearily, and allowed his mother to draw him into another one-sided embrace, still crying softly, but at this point far too worn out to fight it. 

"You should get some rest, alright?" his mother suggested after a while, and he nodded softly, already starting to doze against her shoulder. He allowed her to lower him back to the bed, to pull the covers over him and tuck him in like a child- he didn't have the strength for anything. "Goodnight, Tyler," she whispered, laying a soft kiss to his temple before drawing back and gripping the door. She cast one last glance to him, and smiled sadly. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

As soon as the door shut, and Tyler was enveloped in darkness, a new wave of tears washed over him. 

_ You're gonna have to tell Josh. _

Tyler cried himself to sleep that night.

~

The next morning, Tyler awoke with a ringing headache, one that split down his skull and made him cower back into the sheets, pulling them up over his head to block out every trace of sunlight. He wasn't sure how early it was at that point, but he did know that he wanted to go right back to bed and possibly never wake up.

Then the night before flooded back to the front of his mind, and the looming conversation he'd have to have with Josh, and he sunk even further into the bed, stifling a cry as he buried his head into his pillow. It wasn't fair. He didn't want to have any conversations about this ever, he wanted to wipe it from his memory, from existence, he wanted to wipe Brendon Urie off the face of the earth and get that dirty presence and all the dirty memories out of his head and out of the universe. 

Instead, Tyler pried himself out of bed and slinked across the hall to the bathroom, immediately turning on the shower and letting the water heat as he sat on the closed toilet and stared at the wall. He felt numb at this point, numb and tired. It hadn't even been a day, and he was already tired of dealing with the affects of what had happened the night before. 

What had happened. A boy had fucking assaulted him, that's what happened.

_ No need to sugarcoat it for your own fucking head. _

As soon as the mirror started to fog up from the steam, Tyler stripped down and dragged himself into the shower. The water burned, nearly too hot for his skin to handle, but he relished in the stink as it trickled down his body. Maybe if he let the hot water beat down on him long enough it could burn away the memory of Brendon's hands, or his lips, his body trapping him against the wall, rendering him hopeless and useless...

As soon as the thoughts entered his head, Tyler grabbed a bar of soap and began furiously running it over his body. Everywhere, every inch of him, he lathered with the generic smelling soap, but it was so much better than the scent of alcohol he couldn't forget about. After a minute of lathering the soap alone didn't feel like enough, and with one glance at a round, blue loofa he was grasping it and covering it with soap, immediately raking the gritty loofa over his skin, rubbing hard enough to leave marks. But he didn't care.

He washed and rinsed every single inch of his body once, twice, then three times, then so many times he became too tired to even consider counting the amount of soap and water he'd wasted on the fruitless cause. He ended up dropping the loofa to the shower floor, grabbing a bottle of shampoo and squirting out too much into the palm of his hand, then took to lathering his hair and scrubbing his scalp too roughly, instead.

It hurt, but it was a pleasant distraction from how dirty and used he still felt in the pit of his stomach. 

As soon as Tyler had rinsed off every remnant of soap and shampoo from his body, he stepped out of the shower and shut off the water, wrapping himself up in a coarse white towel. The towel felt too pure for his tainted skin, as it soaked up the last burning beads of shower water from his skin, but he made his way over to the sink and fumbled for his toothbrush and the sibling tube of toothpaste, immediately setting to the work of brushing his mouth furiously. It wasn't just the aftertaste of bile that he wanted to rid himself of, but the stench of alcohol. The alcohol.

If he'd ever sworn against underage drinking, or any kind of drinking, before, then this surely would be the thing that made him never break that promise, ever.

It was several minutes before he finally rinsed his mouth out with water, and he still felt dirty. He could still smell it, feel it, and before he retched again, Tyler gathered up his clothes from the night before, secured the towel around his waist, and scurried across the hall into the bedroom, immediately closing the door behind him.

The first thing Tyler did was grab the laziest clothes he owned- boxers, sweatpants, and an old Triad hoodie- and threw them on haphazardly, then flopped back onto his bed and reached for his phone. The lockscreen informed him that it was past noon, and a Sunday, and he vaguely wondered just how he'd managed to sleep in that long.

A faint knock sounded at the bedroom door, and Tyler set his phone back down. "Come in."

The door creaked open, and there was his mother. She was dressed nicely- they must have just gotten back from church, Tyler assumed- but there was a sad smile on her face, and Tyler assumed that he looked just as awful as he felt. "How're you doing, champ?"

Tyler sighed, slumping further into his bed as she walked across the room and sat on the edge. "Alright," he mumbled, fiddling with the strings of his hoodie and avoiding her gaze entirely. "Just tired."

"I'll bet," she murmured. She reached over and squeezed his arm gently, drawing his attention. "I'm making quesadillas for lunch, but... come down whenever you're ready, alright?" She paused, biting her lip to suppress a weary smile. "I told your father what happened."

"Mom, I-"

"So you don't have to tell anyone else if you don't want to," she continued, giving him a look. "It's okay, Tyler. I know... you told me last night you wanted nothing to do with the whole affair, so I figured you wouldn't mind."

Tyler froze for a moment, eyes glued to his fingers as they wrapped around the strings of his hoodie. "Thanks," he whispered, barely managing to glance up at her again. 

"Don't mention it," she assured him, patting his arm gently before standing up. "I can't promise your father won't run over to the Urie house and beat the daylights out of that boy, but-"

" _ Mom _ !"

"And I'd go with him!" She cut him off, smiling over at Tyler as she waltzed toward the doorway. "You rest as long as you need to, alright?"

"Alright. Thanks, mom."

As the door clicked shut, Tyler reached over the side of his bed and grabbed his journal, rummaging for a pencil from his bedside table drawer for a moment before grasping a mechanical one by the eraser, and flipped the journal open to a fresh page, immediately setting the graphite to the paper. At first only illegible squiggles came about, just taking up space at the very top of the page, but words began to surface as he went, and he jotted them down as quickly as possible.

_ I disguise and I will lie, _ __  
_ and I will take my precious time _ __  
_ as the days melt away, as I stand in line _ __  
_ and I die as I wait, as I wait on my crime _ __  
_ And I'll try to delay what you make of my life, _ __  
_ but I don't want your way, I want mine _ __  
_ I'm dying and I'm trying, but believe me, I'm fine _ _  
_ __ but I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine.

He could hear the beat in his head, a quick, almost erratic tempo that kept the rap speeding forward, and he bopped his head a little as he went. An idea sprung to his head, and he flopped over again to fish his ukulele out from under his bed, shucking off the soft casing and plucking each string once, just to see if it was in good enough tune. As soon as he'd verified, he started to play around with chords, even referencing his book of ukulele chords a few times to find the ones he heard in his head, immediately plucking them out along with the jagged beats in his mind.

He spent what felt like hours strumming at the ukulele with all of his strength, making every chord and every word count, until they seemed to rip out of his throat forcibly, desperate to be heard.

" _ I don't wanna fall, fall away. _ __  
_ I don't wanna fall, fall away, _ __  
_ I will keep the light on in this place _ _  
_ __ cause I don't wanna fall, fall away. "

Tyler was crying into the sheets, cradling his ukulele against his chest, by the time the song was completed three hours later.

~

Tyler didn’t get out of bed on Monday, and on Tuesday he barely managed to come downstairs for dinner, barely managed to face his family, the sympathetic looks, the sadness in his mom’s eyes.

He didn't see Josh again until Wednesday.

He could blame it on sickness all he wanted, but the fact was that he was afraid. He was afraid of how Josh would react to what happened, given it was one of his friends who... 

He wasn't ready. God, he wasn't  _ ready _ at  _ all _ . But with an encouraging hug from his mom and a, "you can do it, you know Josh really cares about you," just before Tyler shuffled out of the house and toward the gray truck, it was officially too late to back out.

Tyler opened up the passenger door and hopped into the truck wearily, closing the door behind him. His teeth dug painfully into his bottom lip as he looked over to Josh, and the minute their gazes met, he stifled a sob.

Josh looked about as godawful as Tyler felt. There were dark circles under his eyes, and judging from the half empty cup of Starbucks in one of the cupholders, he could pretty much guess the culprit. 

"Josh," he whispered, one hand reaching over to grasp Josh's arm. "Josh... god, I'm sorry I've been so distant, I didn't mean to... I was just..."

Josh nodded. "No, no, don't feel bad. If you needed time to rest, I'm glad you did. I was just worried, s'all."

Tyler wanted to cry. He wanted to break down right there and sob. But he'd done that all fucking week, and hell, he was tired. He was exhausted by  _ everything _ .

"Can we just cuddle for the rest of forever?" Tyler whined, reclining back against the seat and pouting over at Josh.

At that, Josh giggled, nodding a few times as he put the truck into drive. "Sure thing, baby," he replied, and they were off in the familiar direction of Josh's house. "We can nap and cuddle and be disgustingly adorable all day."

"I like the sound of that."

However, once they'd made it to Josh's house, up to Josh's room- the safe, familiar room he'd grown to know and love, everything about it so safe and wonderful- Josh leaned in to kiss him and Tyler flinched.

Immediately Josh drew back, a horrified look on his face. "Tyler," he whispered, but he was already crumpling, eyes burning with tears again, god, he couldn't even control it  _ days _ later. "Tyler, what's going on?"

"I-" He very nearly fell over that time, and Josh just barely caught him by the waist, then guided him over to the bed, sitting them both down. He looked so worried, pale and wide eyed and so, so  _ sad _ , and Tyler couldn't stop crying long enough to speak. "I'm sorry," he moaned pitifully, and the lament sent him into a whole new whirl of sobs that wracked through his entire body, shook him violently as Josh pulled him into his lap and held him tightly, grounding him into the present, into his warmth.

"No, baby, don't be sorry," he heard Josh whisper. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I don't know what happened, but if it bothers you this much- god, I'm sorry, Tyler."

"S'not your fault," Tyler whimpered, burying his face in Josh's shoulder. 

"Tyler, what’s wrong?"

Another sob broke free from Tyler's chest, but he managed to sit mostly upright, leaning both forearms on Josh's shoulders as he struggled to breathe evenly enough to speak. "At the party," he began, his words shaking violently. 

"It's okay, Ty, it's okay," Josh soothed him, holding him tightly, eyes boring into him, but not harshly. His eyes were warm and soft and safe, and this time when tears sprung into his eyes, they rolled down his cheeks with no resistence. "I'm here, baby. It's okay."

Tyler nodded, taking in a long, deep breath. "It was at the party," he started slowly, eyes dropping to his lap as he struggled forward. "You were, um... in the kitchen. I was talking to Brendon. He said stuff about... about music. Then he..." Tyler choked up, barely registering the warm hand smoothing up and down his back, in the hitched breath he heard from Josh that made the tears rolling freely down his cheeks double. "He asked if I... I could talk to him. So I said yeah. And he..."

"Oh my god." It was soft, barely there, but he heard Josh say it, and he knew that Josh knew what happened, and it took all of his willpower to keep talking, this time through heavy sobs.

"He... k-kissed me... and h-he t-touched me, I-I didn't w-want him t-to, Josh, I d-didn't... he... w-was drunk, and h-he..."

"Tyler." And they were laying on the bed, completely enveloped in each other. Tyler was sobbing into Josh's chest, rambling completely thoughtlessly now, desperate to make Josh understand. Because what if he didn't?

"Josh, I d-didn't want, I didn't  _ w-want _ him t-to... h-he wouldn't... h-he... J-Josh, I didn't  _ w-want- _ "

"I know," Josh whispered, and there were soft lips at his ear, on his cheek, his jaw, the corner of his lips, and they were soft and smelled of coffee and peppermint, and Tyler couldn't stop crying. Josh always made him so safe, so safe and warm and protected, and he nuzzled as far as he possibly could into Josh's warmth, still weeping softly, gasping for breath as the last tears he could possibly crank out of his eyes spilled onto Josh's shirt. His arms wound around Josh tightly, and he held onto him for dear life, and in that moment he was sure that Josh's warmth and safety was the one thing keeping him holding on anymore. When Josh held him, he was safe. He was at peace.

_ Then why do I still feel so  _ dirty _? _

"I love you," Tyler croaked out, stifling another cry into Josh's chest as he felt Josh's grip on him tighten. "I love you so much, Josh."

"I love you, too, baby boy," Josh whispered, and only then did Tyler realize that Josh was crying, too.

Tyler looked up immediately, meeting Josh's glossy eyes with his own red-rimmed ones. A fresh wave of tears washed over him, but Josh simply shushed him, running his fingers through Tyler's hair comfortingly, and his eyes fell shut, final tears leaking. "I'm sorry," Josh murmured gently. "God, Tyler, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone, I should've...  _ been _ there, I..."

"It's not your fault," Tyler whispered hoarsely. 

Josh managed to nod a little, immediately leaning forward and resting his forehead against Tyler's. "I'm gonna kill him," Josh growled. "I swear. That fucking bastard, I'll..."

"Josh, please don't commit murder and go to jail because of me."

Josh barked out a hoarse laugh at that, and shrugged. "Okay, fine. But I'm gonna let Debby know, and- I swear to god, if he ever comes within a five fucking mile radius of you  _ ever _ again, you let me know, alright? I'll bash his no good head in."

Tyler simply nodded, indulging him for the moment, then snuggled up further against him, content to lay in his embrace, soak in the protective affection radiating off of him. "Love you s'much," Tyler sighed out.

He felt Josh sniffle more than he heard it, but he definitely heard the soft, "Love you, too," in response, and in the next few moments, he was out like a light.

It was the first peaceful sleep he'd had since New Years.


	33. but my name is lame, i can't walk, and i ain't the same

The first day back from winter break was hell for Tyler.

He’d gotten so used to the cocoon of safety he’d found in the weeks of stolen moments, even stolen days, with Josh, and he wasn’t entirely ready to give that up just yet, especially in light of recent events. He wasn’t entirely keen on being on the same campus as Brendon, either, but with Josh- and his father, and brother- vowing to pretty much obliterate the guy if he set foot near Tyler, he felt just a fragment safer setting foot on Triad grounds that Monday morning. 

Tyler walked as close to Josh as physically possible, still a little afraid of holding his hand here, but Josh’s arm came to wrap around his shoulders protectively regardless, and he relished in the contact. Josh was the one thing holding him together as he shuffled down the sidewalk, eyes glued on the pavement beneath them.

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” Josh asked for the millionth time, and Tyler nodded. “If you need anything, text me, okay?”

“I know, mom,” Tyler teased, but as he looked up there was a grateful little smile on his face. “Thanks.”

“Anything for you, baby.”

Tyler turned his head and stared ahead at the math building as they approached it, eyes wide and unfocused as the building drew near. It almost seemed pointless, trivial, to go back to life as usual after the events of winter break. He wanted to look at the positive, of the festival with Josh, spending the whole night with Josh, spending every waking moment attached at the hip with Josh practically. He wanted to focus on that more than anything. But then thoughts of a dark eyed drunken boy crept in and he felt the nausea sweep over him again.

"Tyler?" He blinked a few times, eventually looking up at his frowning and very concerned looking boyfriend. "You zoned out."

Tyler glanced down at his shoes, shuffling them against the pavement. "Sorry," he mumbled.

Without a word, Josh wrapped his arms tightly around Tyler, and Tyler was very suddenly pulled against Josh's chest, which he nestled into almost immediately, suddenly unaware of the world around them. In these moments, all he cared about were Josh's arms around him, the smell of Josh overtaking his senses, the steady rise and fall of Josh's chest against his forehead as he leaned there and tried to steady himself.

"I'm sorry," Tyler repeated. "I'm just... tired." 

It wasn't wrong, not really. He hadn't slept well since, unless he was with Josh.

"S'okay," Josh assured him, then stepped back a little and held Tyler at arms length, smiling wanly. "That's understandable. You can come nap at my place after school if y'wanna?"

Tyler's head bobbed up and down in a sort of mindless nod, and Josh laughed, but he pulled Tyler against his side regardless and walked him down the courtyard. "C'mon, I have computers first hour this semester."

"Cool."

"So-" Josh's voice suddenly dropped to a whisper against Tyler's ear as they hurried into the building- "if you wanna sneak into the bathroom and make out sometime-"

"Josh!"

"Just text me," he laughed, squeezing Tyler's shoulders lightly before dropping his arm to his side. "Just offering. I'm being nice."

"Uh huh, right. Totally not a self-serving offer there."

Josh simply wiggled his eyebrows, as if the suggestion were insane in the least convincing way humanly possible. But that was why Tyler loved him so much.

He was an idiot, yeah- Tyler thought as Josh bounded down the hallway, glancing back once to wink at him as Tyler slinked into his math classroom- but he was Tyler's idiot, and that made all the difference. 

~

It was all routine from there- struggle through a day of syllabuses, minimal coursework, teachers droning on about things he really couldn't care less about- but soon enough it was the end of the day and Tyler was near bolting across the courtyard to the library, a text from Josh he'd received in the last minutes of class echoing in his head. 

cute punk: meet me outside the library ;)

tyler: why the winky face

tyler: should i be worried

cute punk: no ;) ;) ;)

tyler: that's not exactly reassuring

Nevertheless, Tyler hurried as fast as he could to the library entrance as soon as he'd made it out into the open air. It was January, and it was still incredibly chilly- the grass beneath his feet was only lightly dusted with more frost than snow, and he really should've brought a hat, because his ears were turning pink, he was so cold. He almost thought they were going to fall off.

However, he didn't have much time to think on freezing to near death, when suddenly a force behind him was wrapping him up in a pair of strong arms, and pulling him back against a warm body, whispering "gotcha," into his ear a little too huskily for a public school, and Tyler was too busy giggling and relishing in Josh's warmth to be bothered about any of it.

"You're a loser," Tyler complained, but the accusation was entirely heatless.

"You love it."

"That's debatable."

Josh had the decency to look at least mildly offended, before breaking out into a lopsided grin and skipping a few steps away. "C'mon, I wanna make hot chocolate."

"That's specific."

"It's cold," Josh lamented, as if that explained everything about his sudden craving, "and I want hot chocolate."

Tyler simply shrugged, and through a burst of giggled elected to follow Josh instead of question him further. It worked out well, because they ended up passing Michael on their way out- who was, as Tyler distinctly noted, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows at them as they passed.

"You're weird," Tyler called back to him.

_ "And you're a really talented musician who is ahead of his time and incredibly underappreciated!" _

Immediately Tyler grasped onto Josh's arm and hid his face in the sleeve of Josh's jacket, while Josh laughed and confirmed everything Michael had exclaimed loudly to everyone at their school within earshot. "I mean, he isn't lying."

"Don't encourage him."

"I always encourage the truth. I'm an honest man, Tyler Joseph." At that Tyler gave him a look, to which Josh simply threw his arms out to his sides. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"The whole reason we even started  _ talking _ was because you lied to me about being bad at math."

"No, it was because I failed a test. I did fail that test."

Tyler's jaw dropped, but Josh grasped his arm and hauled him forward in the direction of the truck, parked smack in the middle of the parking lot. "How the hell did you fail matrices?"

Josh shrugged noncommittally. 

"Tell me you didn't do it on purpose."

No reaction.

"Josh, you did not!"

"So what if I did!" Josh exclaimed, rushing forward to the truck and ducking around the side of it, but Tyler barely caught a glimpse of the blush spreading across his boyfriend's cheeks, and he couldn't help but laugh. A faint warmth filled his chest at the sight, accompanied by the familiar fluttery feeling he'd come to associate with being around Josh at all. "It was for a good cause."

Tyler rolled his eyes, hopping into the passenger seat and shutting the door just to give Josh a look. "Getting into my pants was a good cause?"

"No," Josh corrected, reaching over to grasp Tyler's hand tightly. "Getting to hang out with you, and kiss you, and love you, and date you- now that's what I'd call a damn good cause."

Instead of replying, Tyler ducked his head, a blush of his own spreading across his cheeks like wildfire. "Turn the heat on," he complained softly, glancing out the window- but squeezing Josh's hand in his. "It's cold."

"Mmhmm. Sure it is."

"... No, seriously. You promised me a nap, and I'm holding you to that."

Josh tipped his head back and laughed, bright and happy, and the warmth in Tyler's chest seemed to increase tenfold. "Two hot chocolates and a nap, coming right up."

Maybe things would be okay, Tyler mused. Maybe, with the help of his ever doting and ever understanding boyfriend- and the surprising protectiveness and support of his parents, no less- maybe he'd be okay. 

Time would tell.

 

~

 

"Hey, baby."

Tyler blinked wearily a few times, still registering his surroundings. He could feel Josh's warmth where his arms were wrapped around him, where his hands had gripped onto his shirt, where their legs were intertwined. He could feel Josh's chest rise and fall with each breath against the palms of his hands as he flattened them, smoothing them upward to wrap around Josh's neck as he propped himself up on his side, and when Tyler blinked his eyes fully open, he saw warm brown eyes blinking at him, accompanied by a bright smile. 

"You awake yet?"

Tyler rolled his eyes, instead yanking Josh closer and snuggling into him, letting his eyes drift shut again. "Five more minutes," he teased.

He could feel Josh chuckling somewhere above him and giggled a little himself, instinctively tucking himself closer to Josh's warmth. 

"Don't worry, I woke you up for a good reason," Josh assured him in a soft murmur, lifting a hand to card gently through Tyler's hair. "I made pizza rolls while you were asleep."

Tyler snickered, tilting his head up a little to smile at his boyfriend. "The truest show of affection- making pizza rolls for your loved ones to wake up to."

"Hey, I'm nothing if not a romantic."

At that, Tyler giggled again, nose scrunching up a little, and his giggling only doubled as Josh leaned down to peck the tip of his nose ever so gently, making him lean up just a little more. Josh hovered for a moment, letting his head tilt just slightly to a perfect angle to kiss Tyler, but stayed there a moment. "Is this okay?"

Tyler wanted to cry a little at that, and it must've showed because he felt Josh backing away, until he piped up in a high, still slightly unsure voice. "Yeah."

Still hesitating, still giving Tyler an out, Josh leaned down as slowly as he could manage and brushed his lips softly against Tyler's. Immediately Tyler's eyes drifted shut, a quiet sigh escaping his lips at the gentle contact. Josh must've taken that as encouragement, because then he felt the gentle pressure of Josh's lips pressing against his, and it was instinct that caused Tyler to tighten his arms around Josh, to wind his fingers through the back of his hair, not pushing, more caressing. 

It was when Josh tested the waters and deepened the kiss that Tyler stiffened. He fought to relax, to remind himself that this is Josh, he wouldn't hurt you, it's Josh, Josh is safe, this is Josh- but he went completely rigid regardless at the hand on his lower back, pressing their bodies close together. Almost immediately Josh broke the kiss, instead leaning their foreheads together and looking at Tyler intensely, scanning his face for the point of concern. "Hey."

Tyler shook his head a little, face twisting up in frustration as he leaned up toward Josh again. "I'm sorry, it's okay, I just-"

"Tyler," Josh interrupted, suddenly shifting his hands around to cup Tyler's face. "It's okay. We don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with."

"But I-"

"Tyler." With a sigh, Tyler nodded, instead leaning in and hiding his face in the crook of Josh's neck. "I know, baby. I'm right here. Whatever you need, I'm right here."

Tyler felt another sob building in his throat, but he shoved it right back down, taking in a deep breath, reveling in the smell of Josh, the warmth of Josh, everything Josh and safe and home that surrounded him right then and there. "I love you," he whispered hoarsely, pressing his lips to the side of Josh's neck for a moment. "Love you s'much."

"I love you, too," Josh murmured back, and Tyler knew he was going to be okay. He'd always be okay in Josh's arms. It's just the way things were.

It took him a few moments, but Tyler eventually shimmied himself around to be face to face with Josh again, this time looking into his eyes more seriously, gnawing on his lip for a moment before speaking. "Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"I wanna cut my hair."

Josh just paused, actually considering the sudden outburst with a short nod. "How short?"

"I dunno." Tyler paused, glancing down at Josh's chest for a moment uncertainly. "It's always been long though. I wanna do something different."

"We could buzz the sides, if you want?"

Tyler froze, thinking long and hard on the idea. It'd be less committment than buzzing the whole thing, but the idea continued to burn within his head, knocking around his brain until it remained a tthe forefront long enough to be taken seriously. 

"I want it all off," he blurted out, eyes falling shut to avoid Josh's gaze, wary of his reaction. "I know, it's so stupid, I just want... I want it all off."

"It's not stupid," Josh insisted. "Tyler, look at me." Tyler's eyes remained shut. "Please?"

With a wary sigh, Tyler let his eyes open slowly. Josh was looking at him with a soft smile, rubbing one hand up and down his back slowly, soothingly. "If you wanna buzz it all off, I could help you out? I think I have shears somewhere..." Josh paused, catching his bottom lip between his teeth as he snickered. "I once considered buzzing mine, but I like my mane too much."

Tyler giggled. "Me, too," he admitted. "You have a nice mane."

Josh burst into giggles at that, his eyes crinkling beautifully in the process. "Point is, if you want help- I'm your guy." He paused, leaning in and brushing their noses together in a dorky little eskimo kiss. "How do you think your parents would react?"

At that Tyler paused, but he shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted, snugling a little closer to Josh. "They've actually been pretty cool with everything so far, I don't know what would phase them at this point."

His head autocompleted to, 'except if they found out I'm gay,' but he didn't tell Josh that. Josh knew. 

"Well, I don't know what kind of spontaneous revelation you just had," Josh teased, and Tyler simply rolled his eyes, rolling onto his back and slightly out of Josh's arms- only slightly. "But if you wanna sleep on it first, that'd probably be smart. That's a big commitment, you know."

Tyler simply whined, shaking his head petulantly and pouting over at Josh, who just lifted a hand defensively. "If I sleep on it I'll find a way to talk myself out of it," Tyler insisted. "I've never done anything out of my comfort zone before, unless someone else urged me to, or told me I could, or anything. I've never wanted to do something crazy on my own, I... I wanna do this."

When Tyler's gaze returned to Josh, his boyfriend was smiling so widely that his million and one dimples had returned to his cheeks, reaching his eyes in adorable little crinkles Tyler could never get over. "I'm proud of you, Ty," he murmured, reaching over to brush his fingers against Tyler's cheek, sighing softly. "God, I can't believe you were this quiet little unassuming kid to me months ago."

Tyler glanced down, reaching up and grasping Josh's hand in his own and interlocking their fingers. "It's all thanks to you," he replied softly. Before Josh could interject, he continued. "It really is. I never would've gotten the confidence to do half the shit I've done since I met you. Hell, I don't even know if I'd be writing music right now if it weren't for you. I'd still be playing basketball and living to please my parents."

When he looked up, Josh was shaking his head. "That was all you, baby. Maybe I encouraged you a little along the way, but the songs, the rebellion- that was all you."

Tyler just grinned at that, leaning forward and pecking Josh's lips softly. "Love you."

"Love you, too, baby." Suddenly Tyler was pulled back against Josh, caught in an awkward laying-down-hug and laughing until his stomach hurt at the awkward angle. He felt Josh join him with barely contained giggles, and when the first hiccup escaped his throat, Tyler slapped Josh's arm lightly, pouting up at him. 

"Your fault."

"Is not."

Tyler just shook his head, prying himself out of Josh's grip halfheartedly and sitting up on the bed, settling to look down at Josh for a moment in awe. He looked so beautiful, shifting to lay on his back and smile up at Tyler, eyes sparkling and teeth peeking out between his lips as he reached out and made grabby hands at Tyler. "Come back."

"No," Tyler insisted, grabbing Josh's hands, but only to yank Josh up next to him. "C'mon, you said you'd help me buzz my hair."

"You're absolutely sure, Ty?" Josh pressed, squeezing his hands lightly.

"M'sure." 

With a lopsided grin, Josh rolled himself out of bed and mostly onto his feet- though he most definitely had to lean on Tyler a little bit as he did so. But he offered his hand to Tyler immediately after, and Tyler accepted the leverage to help him out of bed. 

"This is weird," Tyler muttered as they ambled over to the bathroom, and in response Josh cocked his head to the side curiously. "We're always doing your hair, not mine."

Josh tipped his head back and laughed, then crouched down to shuffle through the cabinets beneath his sink as Tyler hopped onto the counter. "You're not wrong," Josh giggled- and there it was, the razor he'd be using in just a minute to literally shave all his hair off. A chill ran down Tyler's spine at the realization, but not out of regret- more excitement than anything else. "Oh, how the turns have tabeled."

"That was really bad."

"I know, I know."

"Like- I don't even know if you tried."

Josh just shook his head, leaning in and ghosting a kiss across Tyler's lips, before hopping back and going to plug the cord for the razor into one of the nearest outlets. "Always for you, babe," he teased, smirking in Tyler's general direction as he rolled his eyes. "Always for you."

As Josh searched for the right blades for the razor, Tyler started to swing his legs impatiently. Josh must've noticed, because as soon as he hopped back up he was bracing Tyler's knees with both hands, blades set on the counter next to Tyler. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," Tyler insisted, covering Josh's hands with his own and squeezing them firmly. "Impatient, that's all."

Josh snickered and nodded, grabbing the blades and sticking them onto the razor. "Okay, these particular ones'll give you a buzz cut." Josh paused, biting his lip to suppress a smirk. "Like, barely any hair at all."

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes again, Tyler nodded. "Sounds good."

"You can still back out, you know."

"Josh."

"I won't judge you."

"Josh," he insisted, then outstretched his arm, palm open. "Give it here."

Josh's eyebrows lifted. "You wanna do it?"

A pause, and Tyler nodded. "Yeah. Show me how."

Josh nodded, stepping back slightly and allowing Tyler to hop off the counter. "Okay, wait-" Josh shuffled behind him for a moment, and grabbed the trashcan, shifting it a little closer to Tyler. "Try and aim your hair into that- I mean, obviously you can't totally control that, but-" He cut himself off, looking into Tyler's eyes seriously. "You're sure about this."

"Positive."

"Alright." Josh picked up the razor, and flicked a switch on the side. "Okay, it's pretty straightforward. This button-" He pressed it to demonstrate, and a sharp buzzing noise rang through the dense bathroom- "sets it off. Be careful- if you want me to do part to show you, I could."

Tyler nodded quickly, gnawing at his lip anxiously. "Do the side first," he requested, shifting his body to face the mirror as he spoke. "I wanna do the big parts."

Josh chuckled and nodded once, running his fingers through Tyler's hair lightly. "I'm gonna miss the fluffy mane."

"Me too, now do it."

"It's the end of an era, Tyler, let me mourn."

"You're mourning my hair?"

"Don't judge me!"

But Josh conceded after that, finally letting the buzz ring again through the bathroom, this time in order to set the razor to Tyler's head. 

"Just go over it carefully," Josh advised, slowly shearing off a section of the side of Tyler's head, leaving just a trace of hair and exposing pale scalp. As soon as the deed had been done, Tyler ran his fingers over the space, and a tiny smile curled his lips upward. "What dpo you think?"

"I like it," Tyler confirmed, then turned and motioned for the razor. "Give it. I wanna do the rest."

Immediately Josh handed over the razor, stepping back and holding his hands up in retreat as Tyler faced the mirror, tilting his head ever so slightly toward the trash can.

He sheared off one long line from the top first, and a burst of adrenaline rocketed through his veins as the hair simply fell off his head and into the trashcan, and the floor around it. He was pretty careless with the pattern in which he shaved it off, more intent on removing the hair than making the effort in which he did so look even, or pretty. He wanted it off. He wanted a change, and isn't this something people did when they wanted a change? Isn't that why Josh dyed his hair so often?

He thought back to Josh's confessions about his anxiety, and the remaining lines of hair he sheared off were completely thoughtless. 

It took a while, and some guidance from Josh, who could actually see the back of his head and hand to take over the shaving every once in a while to help him out there, but after the last touch ups had been done, Tyler had a buzz cut.

It was the shortest his hair had ever been, probably since he was born. He didn't remember not having a head of fluffy brown-verging-on-black hair, and here he was, with practically no hair at all.

“How do you feel?” Josh finally asked. Their eyes met in the mirror, and he was beaming at Tyler, the proudest he’d ever looked aside from the night of the music festival.

“New,” Tyler whispered. And he smiled, because this new seemed to be a good thing. 


	34. now he just watches the backs of his eyes

Truthfully, Tyler expected his mom to react the worst to his new haircut. However, as soon as he walked through the door, and his mother saw him from the living room, she simply smiled at him.

"How's Josh?" she asked casually, reaching for her mug of tea and taking a delicate sip.

"He's good." Tyler paused, shifting back and forth a few times. "He helped me with my hair."

His mom chuckled. "Yes, I can see that. It looks very nice, Tyler." 

"Thanks, mom."

"Aren't you going to be freezing, though?" she questioned, a sudden frown on her face. "We'll have to get you more hats, I guess. What are the kids wearing these days, those beanies and snap-backs?"

At that Tyler just laughed, but for his mother's sake, he nodded. "Beanies are cool," he confirmed. "I think I have one or two."

"Well, you'll have to wear those when you go out until it warms up," she insisted, giving him a look as he nodded and hobbled over to the stairs. "I don't want you getting sick from the cold!"

"You got it, mom!" he called as he trudged up the stairs, giggling a little to himself as he moseyed into his room and shut the door, before practically running over and flopping onto the bed.

He loved his short hair.

It was so different, and that was good. He felt safe running his hands over his head, feeling the slight prickle of his hair against his hands. The newness, the change, was good. He needed something new. He needed something to change.

He hadn't had buzzed hair at the New Year's party, and that was enough of a change for him to feel properly separated from the event as a whole. At least, for the time being.

A small part in the back of his head realized that he'd have to deal with those events in the future, that he'd have to come to terms with what had been done to him and how it was affecting him, but he didn't have to think about that. No, not when he could run his hands over his head and relish in the difference it made. 

He wasn't a completely new person, but he was making decisions for himself now. He was in control of his hair. He was in control of what happened to him.

Control, it was a nice thing. He hadn't realized how nice it could be until he'd buzzed all of his hair off. 

A buzz in his back pocket jolted Tyler from his reverie, and instantly he fished around to pull out his phone.

cute punk: how you feelin about the new hair 

tyler: i love it. mom likes it too

cute punk: siiiiiick! i'm really glad

tyler: me too i thought she was gonna hate it

The rest of the evening passed in a daze. Family dinner went pretty uneventfully, with mere passing comments about his thoroughly shaved head- save for Madison's fascination with the new cut, and millions of questions about how it felt, or what it was like. Not that he really minded them- he'd talk about his hair. It was nice. And safe.

It was once he'd gone up to bed, once he'd showered- and rubbed shampoo all over his scalp because he still needed to itch the scratch that had been left all over his body on New Years that he couldn't seem to wash off no matter how hard he scrubbed- and settled into bed for the night that he really felt it.

cute punk: i miss you

tyler: you literally saw me like 5 hrs ago

cute punk: come see me tonight?

All of a sudden Tyler felt the bile fill his throat. It wasn't Josh's fault. Josh was safe, he reminded himself. Josh would never hurt him, he reminded himself. Josh was good. Josh was protection. Josh was safe.

He started to cry regardless.

"Ty?" a voice across the room startled him, and he jumped a little, but didn't turn. "Ty, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he mumbled, burying his face into his pillow. "Go t'bed, Zack."

"No. You're crying, dude."

A small cry escaped his throat, barely muffled by the pillow. There were soft footsteps on the floor between the beds, and suddenly there were arms pulling Tyler up into a tight hug, and he sobbed. 

"It's okay, Ty. It's okay."

It wasn't okay, and Tyler told him exactly why. He told Zack everything, from New Years to his hair. 

Tyler and Zack shared the same bed that night, for the first time since they were children, and Zack was afraid of the ghosts in the closet coming out to catch him in his sleep.

tyler: i'm sorry josh i

tyler: can't i'm 

cute punk: no no no please don't be sorry, it's okay. i don't wanna push you.

tyler: i'm sorry

cute punk: you have no reason to be

cute punk: i love you, okay?

tyler: love you too

~

Zack had tried to convince him to take a sick day the next day from school, but Tyler refused, insisting that he was fine, that he was probably just being a big baby about the whole thing, that mom probably wouldn't even let him- even though he'd almost thrown up again that morning just from the memories of unwanted lips on his skin- and Zack dropped the matter. Josh picked Tyler up for school like always, and that was that. Tyler got to reach over and hold Josh's hand for dear life and reassurance, and everything was okay.

He was actually a bit surprised that he made it through the day as well as he ended up. Not a single breakdown, or a swell of nausea, or sweat collecting in his palms. He felt... oddly calm. Maybe it was his hair. 

It was all going according to plan, he was on his way out of biology class at the end of the day to meet Josh, and-

"Tyler!"

Tyler jumped a little, but turned toward the voice. There was Zack, shuffling quickly toward him. "Hey," he greeted softly. 

"Hey, uh... I know you normally hang out with Josh," he admitted, glancing aside momentarily, "but I want to walk to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate, and... you could come along if you want?"

A smile crossed Tyler's face at that, but it was wary, a bit sad. It truly dawned on him in that moment just how much he'd neglected his little brother in the wake of meeting Josh, of getting lost in his comfort and safety. He'd really lost touch with all his siblings, all of which he'd considered himself pretty damn close to beforehand. 

"Sure," Tyler agreed with a faint nod. 

"Josh won't mind?"

Tyler just rolled his eyes, starting to walk to the opposite end of the campus toward their neighborhood, and toward a local Starbucks. "What, that I'm spending time with my brother? Hell no."

tyler: hey, zack wants to hang out today- we're gonna get starbucks. letting u know so u can be really jealous

cute punk: so jealous of ur coffee bonding. have fun babe

Zack peered over at Tyler's phone for a split second, only to lean back and make fake gagging noises. "You guys are gross."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

The walk to Starbucks took several minutes, but it was filled with mindless chatter. Despite how long it had been since they really talked, Tyler found it easy to slip back into their usual sports ranting and teasing banter. They were rambling on about the highlights of the basketball season when they entered the Starbucks, arguing over which team member probably wouldn't graduate high school, or which would end up getting their girlfriend pregnant before senior year.

"And then there's us and Mark," Zack laughed, sauntering up to the counter and rambling off his hot chocolate order, then stepping aside so Tyler could tell his in turn- ordering, however, a hot latte rather than their usual decaffeinated drinks. 

"Tyler's becoming an addict," Zack teased, shoving Tyler's arm lightly as they moved over to wait for their drinks. 

Tyler just rolled his eyes. "No, that's Josh."

"He's gotten you hooked."

"Only a little bit."

"Am I gonna have to cut you off?"

"No, I need it."

Zack said something else, but as soon as the Starbucks doors opened a split second later his entire mind went blank. Suddenly there was no chatter in the coffee shop, no brother next to him, no world beneath his feet, nothing but a dark hallway and unwanted touches and Brendon Urie breathing hotly into his ear. 

Tyler reached over and gripped the counter for dear life, suddenly shaking violently in his hands. He could see Zack asking what was wrong, but his mind was completely somewhere else. He felt like he was going to faint. Maybe he was going to throw up again. A part of him wanted to scream, too, but most of him wanted to cease to exist, and screaming would only make him exist louder.

Suddenly Zack turned his head toward Tyler's line of vision, and his eyes went dark, lips twisting into a scowl. "I'm gonna fucking beat him up."

"Zack," he croaked out, and immediately his brother's attention returned to him. As soon as their orders had been handed to them, Zack grabbed both drinks and ordered Tyler to stay behind him, letting Tyler hide behind Zack as they maneuvered out the opposite entrance and down the street in the direction of their neighborhood. 

As soon as they'd made it a block away, Zack stopped and turned to Tyler, offering up his coffee. Tyler accepted it into his still shaking hands, fighting to keep them still, grasping the cup for dear life. "Shit, are you okay?"

"Wanna go home," he whimpered, and they set off.

He didn't tell Josh. He didn't need to worry his boyfriend any more than he probably already was, anyway.


End file.
